(Re)Vision Test

I know it’s been quite sometime since I came here and I apologize. But then your life would have gone on well without having to come to this site anyway Life has been hectic with bill payments, missed deadlines, cutting vegetables, fighting with neighbors and of course the biggest problem of all - sheer laziness. But then all good things come to an end . Today, I realized that all of this can wait and the world spins anyway. So here I am...

It has been an interesting week till now - I must say. I realized that I need a vision for the future, work wise I mean. I mean what does 2011, 2012 and 2013 look like for my team? Will we do the same that we did in the past or will we actually make this year that clichéd thing - "game changer year"? I realized I need a vision for the future - something like past tense but future perfect. I did the best thing a man could do (no not get drunk like some of you think is the best way). Nope - not read some management book or even "How to Write Vision Statements for Dummies" in that typical yellow cover book. I just went for a simple eye exam - decided I will take it literally.

So I and Better Half (BH) went to the nearest Eye Hospital. Interesting place - these eye hospitals. When we went in at an unearthly time of 9 am on Saturday, there was no one there but suddenly, we saw all these people with eyes bandaged and wearing black glasses in a few minutes. I thought I was the youngest one there. One thing stuck me though - why don't they have ATMs in hospitals? With the kind of money they charge, they need ATMs there with no withdrawal limits. Of course, hospitals also have their fair share of politics too. We saw ophthalmologists not seeing "eye to eye" with each other and optometrists making a "spectacle" of themselves. But then I digress..

The optometrist went through her routine and showed some characters on the screen and asked me to read them. I was about to tell her that those were the exact names I call people when I curse them. But then realized, for her, it was just a set of letters. After a lot of removing glasses and changing them and asking was it better or worse now, she proclaimed proudly that my power had actually come down. Talking about lessened vision!! Of course, I must confess ego was boosted given that I was going against typical behavior of power increasing with age. Of course, said ego was deflated in the next second when she said "Saar, at your age, you need to have regular eye tests and meet the doctor". The doctor, a very nice one, also called me Sir which made it worse given that she was middle aged.

So here came back, Mr. Vision, with a bruised ego, lessened power and no idea of how to get a vision. Next time, I will read those management books...

Bhagwaan's Love Letter (Part 2)

The story so far: Bhagwan, a 5th class student, has an IQ level in 2 digits. In a fit of emotion, he has written a love letter to his English teacher, Mrs Ramani. Mrs. Ramani has complained to the school authorities and a hearing is due with the Prinicipal the next day. Bhagwaan has prayed to both Amitabh Bachhan and Ganesha to help him in the crisis. He has a fitful night and is not able to sleep much..Now read on..


Bhagwan kept mumbling thru the night and could not sleep much at all. He kept having visions of a giant letter which kept swallowing him. In fact, in one dream, he actually saw Amitabh Bachhan standing in front of him, with a slight bow and saying "Ainh. Jiska ka koi nahin hota, uska khuda hai yaaro" (Editor's note: Amitabh actually repeated this in another film a few years later). That's when Bhagwaan decided to switch loyalties to Ganesha.



He woke up the next and walked to school, thinking of possible excuses.

1. I actually did not write the letter - someone copied my handwriting
2. It was supposed to be an April fool joke played in October
3. It was meant for someone else in my class but landed up in Mrs. Ramani's desk



He realized that none of them would work - the last one would actually make it worse given that it was a boy's only school. He trudged his way slowly to the Principal's office. Mr.Chandrahaas and Mrs. Ramani were already there with the Principal Mr.Ganguly. Bhagwaan could almost see Mr.Chandrahaas salivating - however Mrs. Ramani looked a bit worried and anxious.



Mr.Ganguly started off the proceeding and as was his wont without any preamble.

"We have gathered to discuss an accusation that Bhagwaan has sent a love letter to Mrs. Ramani - this is against the school rules. Bhagwaan - what do you have to say for yourself?"

Bhagwaan just kept his head down and thought of excuses but could not think of any - he decided to just pray to Ganesha.

Mr. Ganguly then spoke to Mrs. Ramani "Mrs. Ramani - you mentioned this boy had written you a love letter and in fact wanted to marry you. Do you have proof?"

Mrs. Ramani handed over a slip of letter to the Principal. Mr. Ganguly opened it up and this is what he saw






He was amazed and blurted "But Mrs. Ramani - now where do I see the words love and marry in this letter"
Mrs. Ramani (in an agitated state) said "Sir - it had the words love and marry but it is torn now"
Mr. Ganguly: "But Mrs. Ramani - how did this happen?"
Mrs. Ramani (wringing her hands): "I don't know - I had kept it very carefully in a cupboard but somehow a mouse seems to have come and eaten up the key words"
Mr.Ganguly: "Then there is no proof - we cannot punish the boy"
Mrs. Ramani: "Ask him Sir - its his handwriting. Ask him to deny it!!!!". She was almost shouting now in her agitation.
Mr. Ganguly: "Bhagwaan - tell the truth. Is that your handwriting?"
Bhagwaan (in a burst of inspiration): "Yes Sir - its mine but I actually had written 'Mrs. Ramani I admire you very much and I want to tell you'".

Mrs. Ramani snorted while Mr.Chandarahaas had a look of a boy who had his chocolate taken away from him.
Mr.Ganguly looked at the slip and said "Hmm..the words seem to fit. Mrs. Ramani - I cant punish the boy now - admiration is not a sin".
Mrs. Ramani (spluttering): "But but Sir.."
Mr.Ganguly: "Sorry Mrs. Ramani - you should not have allowed a mouse to eat the letter"
Mrs. Ramani: "I know Sir. I am wondering how a mouse managed to get inside a steel cupboard and tear away only the important words. It looks a divine intervention"

Divine Intervention - That's when it hit Bhagwaan. Of course, Ganesha had come to his rescue and sent his favourite mouse to help him out to eat the letter!!!

They all walked away from the room with different emotions - two disappointed and one very very happy and now a Ganesha fan.


So that's how Bhagwaan was saved and he never wrote a love letter again until he got engaged to Bhagyawaan but he always remained a fan of Ganesha.

Bhagwaan's love letter (Part 1)

"This is a sacrilege!! Why did you do this shameful act?." thundered the voice above Bhagwaan's head.

Bhagwaan did not know what to say - he did not know why he did the "shameful act" and moreover did not understand sacrilege meant. I mean who understands such big words when you are in the 5th class. And on top of that, the question was being asked by Chandrahaas Sir - his PT teacher - a big strong man whom all the boys feared for his cane and the thwacking all of them got from it. Except of course, the 10th class students who used to give him cigarettes - to Chandrahaas Sir not to Bhagwaan in case you misunderstood.

Ooops!! As usual, I jumped to the middle of the story without giving you the correct introduction. so let me get that fixed first. Bhagwaan as you all know was one of the dreamy people with a fair IQ but always lived in his own world thus making everyone think he was a nincompoop. So much so that his brother (who had just started reading PG Wodehouse) used to call him as Bertie Wooster (after that famous Wodehousian character). To be fair, Bhagwaan was a bit of dreamer as I mentioned so maybe the comparison was apt. Now in class 5th, he had a love-hate relationship with his school. He hated the school and loved it when it was closed.

However, the past few weeks, there was a transformation - he had a new found resolve to come to school everyday. The reason was very very simple - Ramani Madam. Ramani Madam was the new English teacher - one of those teachers of the new era who felt that children should be encouraged to speak. She was like an oasis in a desert - and Bhagwaan immediately developed a crush on her. Now Ramani Madam was no beauty - her salt and pepper hair had more salt than pepper. However as the old saying goes, at age 10, even a she donkey looks beautiful especially since Ramani madam had such a sweet disposition.

Bhagwaan, in a fit of insanity, had written a love letter to her expressing his admiration. Having recently read Perry Mason and so felt he knew more about the law, he wiped his finger prints from the paper and did not sign it. He thought he was clever and no one would know the deception but totally forgot that it was in his own hand writing and who knows your handwriting better than your teacher. Maybe his brother was right - he was Bertie Wooster! Ramani Madam immediately told her colleagues (although later she told a couple of them that she was also flattered!).

Whew!! Now you know the background - the shameful act was the "writing of the love letter".

Bhagwaan looked at the floor without daring to look at Chandrahaas sir. Which is why he did not see the cane swish and hit him on the butt! Thwack!! That really hurt - now it would be difficult to sit on the bench.

"You dirty boy!! How dare you write such letters to a teacher?" said Chandrahaas Sir - his voice resembled a Bull - in fact the kids nickname for him was Bull's Posterior (I disagree - I have seen more beautiful bull's posteriors)

Bhagwaan (to himself) "and what about your affair with Sharma teacher? Don't think we don't know about that!!"

Chandrahaas Sir "What boy? What did you say?"

Bhagwaan (quivering) "Nothing Sir!! Sorry Sir!!"

Chandrahaas Sir "Lets see tomorrow, son. When we go in front of the Principal - you will not only meet my cane more but also get expelled"

Bhagwaan walked out the room - he did not know whom to tell. Then he suddenly remembered - his grandmother had told him a few days back (during Ganesh Chauthi) that Ganesha was the one who removed obstacles. Bhagwaan had of course scoffed at the idea - everyone knew that it was Amitabh Bachhan who removed obstacles. He had just seen Amar Akbar Anthony and how Amitabh had defeated that big body builder. He first prayed to Amitabh and then as an after thought to Ganesha - there was no harm..

Needless to say - he had a sleepless night...somewhere a song was playing "Karvate Badalte Rahen, saari raat hum....' a very apt song..

Will Bhagwaan survive the ordeal? Will he meet Chandrahaas Sir's cane again? Will Amitabh help? Will Ganesha help? All questions answered in the next post..

Some rejected IPL venues

Last year, I had written about the impact of IPL on the Prabhus when it was held in South Africa. Now that IPL is back in India (and half way thru here), you might not be aware that Mr.Modi had actaully consulted other countries before settling for India again..Here are a few of them

Zimbabwe

This would be have been a great place to host the IPL and literally taken new frontiers. However got rejected when Modi realized that the franchise fee amount could not be written on a simple cheque given the million percent rate of inflation. Even the Karbon Kamal (catch to you simple non-IPLians) would need two cheques to write in figures.

Afghanistan
So what if there are terrorists there? Cricket is just a game and Mr. Modi would have ensured world peace by playing the IPL there. However, was rejected finally when His Highness realized that he could not have skimpily dressed cheerleaders - after all, what's IPL without cheerleaders?

China

Maybe the best place to take cricket to - you can almost see Mr. Modi salivating by the amount of TV rights for the world's most populous country (for now, until India beats them). However was rejected when the authorities declared that all balls will be 'Made in China' which means they will need to be changed every over. Mr. Modi actually liked that since it meant more TV ads but wiser counsel prevailed.

USA

The final frontier - rejected however since it meant changing a few rules. Given the differences in driving (right hand vs left hand, light switches - up vs down etc), it would have meant pointing a finger down while giving a batsman out and calling the mid wicket as cover and square leg as point. Too confusing for the umpires.

Pakistan

It was a good choice since cricket sells in Pakistan as much as in India. There are of course a minor irritants likes security but then every time has a bench strength. However, was finally rejected when Modi tried to actually find out who the Board of Cricket in Pakistan was..the board had banned the cricketers while the cricketers had banned the Board. Last heard - the coach was trying to find both..

Now YOU know the real story..

'Holi'day

Hope all of you had a great Holi with a lot of Rang Barse and lots of bhang. I have been told that bhang has different effects on different people. If you are talking to someone, you keep on repeating the lines whilst if you are laughing, you keep on laughing with no apparent reason. Talking of bhang, here is how my conversation with the Better Half went on Holi day

BH: So - the light of my life - did you ever have bhang in your life?

LH (Lesser Half aka Vishnu): Oh yes - marrying you was a bhang by itself!

BH: (with a squeal of delight): Oh!! you mean you were intoxicated by me?

LH: No - I cried then and have not stopped crying till now.

Excuse me while I go back to peeling the potatoes for my dinner. I don't think I will get away easily this time.

Top 10 Bollywood Icons - Part 2

In my earlier post, I had talked about the better half had given me a diktat to write about Bollywood icons and from there germinated the ideas of the Top 10 lesser known Bollywood icons. If you do not remember the 5 written earlier, they were

10. The Doves
9. The Sister
8. The Lamp
7. The Servant
6. The Degree

Now to continue the list

5. The Swoon - this is not when the heroine swoons into the hero's arms. This is actually when the heroine swoons because she is in the "family way" as they delicately put it. The minute we see the swoon, even the kids know that she is expecting a child. Of course, a small voice in the audience pipes up "But Mama, she is not married so how is she having a baby?". There are quite a few titters in the audience and two every embarrassed parents shushing him.

4. The priest - the symbol of lechery. Usually, this is one of most lecherous persons in the film outdoing even the villain. Of course, after having made a pass at the heroine, who naturally turns him down, he then tries to spoil her reputation in the village with that ever famous dialogue "Ye aurat tho kulta hai". Of course, if he is from a minority religion, he is the exact opposite and the one who takes care of the orphan child.

3. The policeman - the epitome of corruptness. He is the reason why most people get scared to even go to the police station. Fat, lewd and obnoxious, he is of course the villain's henchman. Unless of course he is Ifthikar - in which case, he is thin, ramrod and very very honest. Rare in reel and real life.

2. The Locket - the Symbol of Unity which can glue the entire film together. Typically, it is worn by the hero when he is a small kid and is a symbol which his twin brother recognizes only at the very end and then the usual "Bhaiyya!!!" scene erupts. Sometimes it doubles up as a bullet proof vest too by stopping the bullet and save the hero.

and the Number 1 Icon award goes to

1. The Song - the symbol of romance. What is Bollywood without the songs? Of course, the songs proved that Bollywood could sense the mobile telephony wave way before time. How else can two people sing a song in two different cities, hear each other and sing in perfect synchronization!! The song sometimes can take the place of Number 9 - the locket. It can help reunite families together by singing the song in childhood and repeating it at the end.

That ladies and gentlemen are my version of the top 10 Bollywood Icons.
A few notable nominations were - the mom, the evil Bhabhi, the bullets (which hit the villains but never the hero) etc etc.

More nominations are welcome...

Top 10 Bollywood Icons

At the outset. let me confess - this blog spot idea is not my own. It was the Missus's idea so I must give all credit to her. Like I give for everything that goes well in my life - for everything else, there is Me.

Anyway, after visiting my last two posts, the Better Half gave me a piece of her mind (incidentally she has so much of it to give these days as compared to the earlier days of marriage but will reserve it for a different post). Here is how the talk went

BH: "Vishnu - what is all this about Bengalureans and Hyderabadis? Who cares about how to recognize them? First of all, no one visits your blog and to top it all, you talk of two cities about whom your visitors might not even care"

Me: "But I do have 3 visitors from Hyderabad as I clearly mentioned in the last post!!"

BH: "Shut up. One of them is you, one of them is me and the third is your son whom you force to go to your blog to increase your hits. You can easily make out because no one leaves comments and the ones who do, are usually anonymous. I think this time, you should talk about something which is more universal and appeals to all Indians"

ME: "You mean Katrina Kaif?" (my liking for a certain Ms. Kaif is well known and forms a certain amusement for the family especially the kids. Ms Kaif of course does not know about it)

BH: "No, you twerp. Other than you and that guy who takes his shirt off, no one cares for her and I am sure she does not even know you exist. But you do bring a good point. You should talk about Bollywood - its more universal and might actually get you some more visitors"

Once the BH gives her diktat, you sort of follow it, like the lamb who followed Mary. Unless you want to go on a involuntary diet.

Which is why this post is about Bollywood icons. No - not the Bachhans, Khans etc but symbols of Bollywood that you will all recognize from movies you have seen in the past. In fact, not just Bollywood, it encompasses Tollywood, Mollywood and Sandalwood (my current location). These are the unsung heroes who actually deserve the awards but no one seems to do it. So here is my tribute to the top 10 Bollywood icons

10. The Doves - the most symbolic icon of a movie to reflect love. You see two of them nudging each other to give you an idea of what the hero and heroine MUST be doing. A close cousin is the bush and the flowers. You always see them coming together and the rest is left to imagination. In fact, for a long time, I always believed that's what the birds and bees do - shake a few bushes here and there and voila!

9. The Sister - the symbol of nauseating sweetness. The hero's sister is always cute, plump and has pigtails. You never see her in a glamorous role although she manages to fall in love with the hero's best friend. She is the one who welcomes the heroine and calls her Bhabhi the first time she meets her. She lends her sari to the Bhabhi and somehow it fits even though they have different shapes. Of course, she is a bit stupid also because she manages to fall into the villain's hands with her mother, hanging above the "Liquid Oxygen" in the final few scenes.

8. The Lamp - the symbol of death. The hero might die a few thousand miles away but the lamp always flickers off at the same moment in synchronization. Has been to known to increase greatly the level of superstition in most homes in India.

7. The Servant - popularly known as Ramu Kaka - the symbol of honest, integrity and always looking old. He is the one who runs away with the child to save him from the evil uncle, brings him up on his own and tells the hero on the deathbed about his past. In fact, in real life, the Ramu Kakas actually steal the child and demand ransom.

6. The Degree - the symbol of Power. Kick starts when the hero says "Ma - mai BA pass ho gaya hoon". In the next scene, he is a manager of a big firm and a big house with a winding staircase. He now wears a black suit and of course woos the owner's daughter. He also has now his own car. In reality, a BA degree holder might actually be driving the car.

The last 5 will be shown in the next post....Keep visiting..

Top 10 ways of recognizing a Hyderabadi

Now that I have written the Top 10 ways of recognizing a Bengalurean, there has been a clamour from 75% of my readers (in simple terms 3 of the 4) about how I have forgotten about Hyderabad. There were some hisses and choice words at me for having forgotten about my city - "Kya mian? Kaiku bhool gaye hum logon ko. Paagalan dikhre tumare ko?". So I had to do justice to the city of the Nawabs and come out with a Top 10 of recognizing a Hyderabadi - before I pen it down, let me make a disclaimer that some of them might have done the rounds before so please forgive me.

10. Your house address could be a complicated string of numbers and characters 1like -1-265/2/C but actually you could be living right beside the Charminar

9. "Kal Parson"can mean any time in the past or future. Like for example "Hum logan kal parson World Cup jite the" or "Kal thak ho jayega"

8. Even if you are Telugu, you speak in Hindi with friends. Even if you do speak Telugu, you mix it with Hindi words like "Nenu aayanu ku Samjha inchina"

7. You cross a one way street looking at both sides and your heart in the mouth.

6. You have at least 1 relative living in the US and 1 on the way

5. A red light at a traffic signal is a just a mere suggestion not a rule.

4. "Idhar hi hai ghar - seedha jao " can actually mean 4 kms and involve at least 3 turns

3. You believe that Hyderabad is the IT Capital even if it is behind Bengaluru in terms of software revenue.

2. You start late for any appointment and then drive like crazy to try to reach on time

1. "Traffic Rules" are an oxymoron!!

And of course, if you are smiling as you read this, you are a true Hyderabadi!

So until the next post - I will enjoy my Irani chai, bun maska and Osmania biscuits. Or maybe that delicious biryani in Paradise.

Top 10 ways of recognizing a Bengalurean

All my three readers know that I have recently moved from Hyderabad to Bangalore. For a true Hyderabadi like me, it has been an enlightening experience to move from the City of Nawabs to the City of Gardens. As I slowly get used to this city, I was wondering whether I will ever become a "Bengalurean". I realized that a litmus test would be needed for me to assess if I have achieved that title. So this post describes the Top 10 ways of recognizing a true citizen of Namma Bengaluru.

10. You use Kannada words as a prefix - Namma Metro, Namma spirit or use Habba for any events.

9. "It is nearby" usually translates to 4 km or a 1 hour drive.

8. You know of 4 different ways of going from Point A to B to beat the traffic

7. You complain about the the increasing traffic but have 2 cars and one bike yourself.

6. You don't stay in your own apartment but stay in a rented house to be close to office. Both the houses have an address having a Block, Cross and Main in it

5. You know that other cities like Hyderabad can try but can never catch up with Bengaluru.

4. You have at least 1 relative in the IT industry.

3. You spend most of your weekends in malls or exploring new restaurants.

2. You KNOW "Smooth Traffic" is an oxymoron.

And number 1 way of knowing is - You nod your head in agreement as you read the previous 9 reasons !!!

Hopefully this touches a chord in my Bengalurean readers (if there are any!!)