Bosses!! The word itself can make people wake up late in the night and curse. I have been fortunate enough to have good bosses in my career but there have been exceptions. I remember this boss a few years back - you know the kind of guy who makes you so angry that you don't like coming to the office. What did you say? You know such a guy? What? You ARE such a guy? Oh well - I guess you can't help it.
Now where was I? Ah yes - talking about my boss a few years back. This is when I was much younger with just one kid (Badu) and Bhagyawaan. Those were the days when I and Bhagyawaan used to have real conversations like - The movie was really good or Lets make pizzas at home today or Lets not wake up till 11 am.
Nowadays of course, our conversations go like this - Badu has lost his books in school or the tap is leaking or the bank called - they have increased their EMI. In summary, boring and full of ennui. But again, I digress. I must get out of this bad habit..
Coming back to his boss - we used to call him Dakkan. Dakkan was one of the guys who thought that the world revolved around him so most of the conversation had his personal pronoun "I". The side effect of thinking that the w. revolved around h. was that he felt he was the center of it.
His idea of fun was to work late in the night and then come back early in the morning - not him - it was you. He would play golf on a Sunday. What did you say? You are not THAT bad? I knew it.
Well, this happened on a Friday evening - I was just about to go home when Dakkan called me in to his office. I gave him a glare which had no effect. It was like throwing water on a buffalo, come to think of it, he looked like one but again I digress.
"Bhagwaan - remember that vacation of yours? Well, its cancelled. You would need to be here since I am going to a conference in Singapore around the same time. One of us needs to be in office to take charge, if required" - he said these words without a by-your-leave.
I spluttered in rage "What? I had planned it quite some time back - it will be too late to cancel now".
He said "I am sorry" (although he did not look like he was sorry at all, in fact I think I saw a smirk on his face. "This conference invite came up suddenly and of course, someone who could represent the company had to go..."
I guess I had no choice and give the bad news to Bhagyawaan although I shuddered to think of the consequences. Bhagyawaan was looking forward to it from a long time and I knew I would be the target. I WAS the target - she gave me a glare and some choice words which I cannot repeat on this blog. Also, a few kitchen utensils were thrown around - some of them colliding with me.
1 week to go - how was I get out of this mess? If you know me well by now, you would have guessed that I would turn to one person who always helped me - Ganesha. You are right, that's what I did...we discussed our usual terms and conditions and I gave HIM 7 days to get me out of this mess...
To be continued
Monday, March 30, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
FAQs on Indian Elections
Being a person with infinite wisdom, most people flock to me and ask questions on this Great Indian Tamasha aka General Election. Given that the questions keep repeating, I thought it would be pertinent to reach out to a broader audience. Here are some frequently asked questions with my answers.
Q. What are Indian elections?
A. A decision-making process by which a population chooses the worst individuals to hold formal office so that their life becomes worse and the politician’s life better.
Q. Is there a better definition?
A. Elections are the reverse of insurance – in insurance; we spread the losses of the unfortunate few among the fortunate many. In elections, we spread the GAIN of unfortunate many among the fortunate few.
Q. How many parties contest the election?
A. Depends on how much YOU can count up to but simplistically, it’s a Congress, BJP and CP multiplied by the 26 letters of the English alphabet.
Q. How does one become a candidate? Is there a qualifying exam?
A. Allow us first to laugh. No – there is no formal qualification except that you should have certain surnames (last names) which make you eligible. Names will be provided on request if you file an application in quadruplicate attested by a gazetted officer and a bank challan of Rs 252.75 (don’t ask how we came to this odd figure – we just took it out of a hat)
Q. What if I don’t have the surname in the list?
A. Marry someone who already has that surname.
Q. What if I can’t marry someone with that surname?
A. Vote - don’t stand for election.
Q. I don’t belong to any specific party – can I still stand for elections?
A. Yes – you can stand as an Independent. However, the election deposit you lose (which is a certainty) will not be eligible for tax deduction.
Q. How much can I spend on an election? Is there a limit?
A. How many zeroes can you count? Just keep a 9 at the beginning – that is YOUR limit.
Q. I see large crowds for ALL political rallies - does that mean that every politician is popular?
A. That is a very common misconception - most people in rallies come for the free rice and liquor supplied. This has nothing to do with votes.Sometimes, they don't even understand the language spoken by the politician.
Q. Wouldn't that make it expensive?
A. Read the previous question on expenses.
Q. I heard
A. Because the middle class don’t vote.
Q. Can I ask permission from the office to vote on Election Day?
A. We give a holiday so you don’t have to ask permission. However, you can go see a movie if you feel that is more important.
Q. I belong to a political party - I have promised a lot of things to the electorate. What do I do with the manifesto after the elections?
A. You have two options - you can sell it off as waste or recycle them for the next elections.
Q. What happens if I cannot vote on that day?
A. Don’t worry, someone else would have done it for you already. We don’t waste such votes.
Do let me know if you have additional questions and I will be glad to answer them.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Final Part)!!
The story so far: Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter). SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out. Getting no response, I upped my stakes with him and also asked a friend - there was no help there. Worse, he has spread the word & now the entire world seems to know about it! Now read on..
5 days to go and no end in sight. The last time I felt like this was when I got married - apparently history repeats itself every 12 years. I then had a brain wave. Yeah yeah - I can see those winks now from all of you reading this blog and know me well - Bhagwaan and a brain wave - ha ha!! - sounds like an oxymoron almost like being happily married. Anyway - I did have one not a tsunami kind of wave but like the a tepid one like the tea I get when Bhagyawaan is angry.
And that's when SHE walked in - Bhagyawaan I mean. Think of the dev.. oops..forget what I was about to say. My brain wave was simple - subtly ask Bhagyawaan what SHE wants. Simple and cunning, eh? So here is how the conversation went
ME: Heh Heh Bhagyawaan - wazzup?
SHE: You are watching too many American movies - what is this "whats up" stuff?
ME: Would you like to go out today?
SHE (with one eyebrow raised): What? Are you OK? Have a fever? You never ask if we can go out..
ME: I'm fine - thought we can drive around Necklace Road today (for the uninitiated Necklace Road is a favourite hangout in Hyderabad for people and mosquitoes with the latter usually winning)
SHE (eyes all lit up): Absolutely!! I would like to go to Necklace (significant pause) Road (in a sotto voce).
ME:
My goose was cooked!! She was expecting it...Ganesha Ganesha - where art thou?!!!!
Suddenly, this mouse brushed my leg and ran away.I was so startled that I almost and upset all the things on my table including a desktop calendar. As I was keeping the stuff back, my eyes fell on the calendar - there were two circles - one for Feb 14th and the other one for Feb 12th.
I knew the one for 14th (my anniversary) but what was 12th? Then it hit me - it was SaasuMa's birthday!! How could I have been such a big fool!! That is when I had my second wave - I ordered a big cake and flowers to be delivered to her on her birthday. I also shopped for a shawl which I knew SaasuMa always wanted. You should have seen the look on her face when she got those gifts - she was in heaven!! More importantly, Bhagyawaan was ecstatic - she could not hide her glee!!
That's when I took a big risk and casually told her "You know what - I know you wanted that necklace but I don't think I can afford it right now".
She replied "You big oaf!! Do you think I wanted a necklace? Is that why you were going around like a hunted rat(sic!) all these days? I would rather see my mother happy than have a necklace. I was actually worried that you would forget Ma's birthday like last year!!".
I felt like what Edison must have felt when his bulb actually burned!! I was so relieved - I took her in my arms and agreed with what the guru says "The best way to a woman's heart is thru her mother". Amen to that!!
And Bhagwaan lived for another day!!
Concluded
PS: I did give Ganesha His Rs 201/- . I mean a deal is a deal and I am sure he sent that mouse to my house...
5 days to go and no end in sight. The last time I felt like this was when I got married - apparently history repeats itself every 12 years. I then had a brain wave. Yeah yeah - I can see those winks now from all of you reading this blog and know me well - Bhagwaan and a brain wave - ha ha!! - sounds like an oxymoron almost like being happily married. Anyway - I did have one not a tsunami kind of wave but like the a tepid one like the tea I get when Bhagyawaan is angry.
And that's when SHE walked in - Bhagyawaan I mean. Think of the dev.. oops..forget what I was about to say. My brain wave was simple - subtly ask Bhagyawaan what SHE wants. Simple and cunning, eh? So here is how the conversation went
ME: Heh Heh Bhagyawaan - wazzup?
SHE: You are watching too many American movies - what is this "whats up" stuff?
ME: Would you like to go out today?
SHE (with one eyebrow raised): What? Are you OK? Have a fever? You never ask if we can go out..
ME: I'm fine - thought we can drive around Necklace Road today (for the uninitiated Necklace Road is a favourite hangout in Hyderabad for people and mosquitoes with the latter usually winning)
SHE (eyes all lit up): Absolutely!! I would like to go to Necklace (significant pause) Road (in a sotto voce).
ME:
My goose was cooked!! She was expecting it...Ganesha Ganesha - where art thou?!!!!
Suddenly, this mouse brushed my leg and ran away.I was so startled that I almost and upset all the things on my table including a desktop calendar. As I was keeping the stuff back, my eyes fell on the calendar - there were two circles - one for Feb 14th and the other one for Feb 12th.
I knew the one for 14th (my anniversary) but what was 12th? Then it hit me - it was SaasuMa's birthday!! How could I have been such a big fool!! That is when I had my second wave - I ordered a big cake and flowers to be delivered to her on her birthday. I also shopped for a shawl which I knew SaasuMa always wanted. You should have seen the look on her face when she got those gifts - she was in heaven!! More importantly, Bhagyawaan was ecstatic - she could not hide her glee!!
That's when I took a big risk and casually told her "You know what - I know you wanted that necklace but I don't think I can afford it right now".
She replied "You big oaf!! Do you think I wanted a necklace? Is that why you were going around like a hunted rat(sic!) all these days? I would rather see my mother happy than have a necklace. I was actually worried that you would forget Ma's birthday like last year!!".
I felt like what Edison must have felt when his bulb actually burned!! I was so relieved - I took her in my arms and agreed with what the guru says "The best way to a woman's heart is thru her mother". Amen to that!!
And Bhagwaan lived for another day!!
Concluded
PS: I did give Ganesha His Rs 201/- . I mean a deal is a deal and I am sure he sent that mouse to my house...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 2)!!
The story so far Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).
SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out..now read on..
I woke up the next day feeling feverish after a bad dream. 6 days to go and I had no plans to get out of the situation. It was a complex case for my feeble intellect and no signs of any help from Ganesha till now.....
I decided that I should ask for advice from another self-proclaimed authority on marriage - my old school chum Jai aka BBC aka British Broadcasting Corporation. I don't remember why he was called BBC from school. BBC has been married for 13 years now (one year more than me) and hence an authority. Anyway, I met him and posed the question to him
"Hey BBC - tell me something. If a woman "likes" a thing, does it mean she wants it"?
BBC, the goof that he is, immediately misunderstood "He He!! So who is this new woman in your life and what does she "like"? Does Bhagyawaan know?"
I retorted "No No - its about Bhagyawaan - she "likes" a necklace. Does it mean that I should buy it for her? You know how much she frowns on unnecessary expenses and doesn't really care about material things"
BBC said "Of course, you don't have to buy it for her. Bhagyawaan is not like other women - she understands that you cannot afford it".
I was ecstatic - looks like my problem was solved. A person who was married for 13 long years had stamped his authority!
"You have taken a load of my mind - I was really worried especially with SaasuMa's jibes".
I heard a sudden explosion almost as if a cylinder had exploded and saw BBC on the floor laughing - I heard of ROTFL in chat language but this was the first time, I actually saw it.
BBC said "My dear child - I was being sarcastic. Of course, you have buy it for her. I remember making this mistake a few years back under the same illusion and believe me, the war that went .on made an India-Pak war feel like a small spat. I have never made that same mistake again. Just imagine...".
I took his advice. I inspected my imagination. It boggled! I was back to square one now.
I sent another message to Ganesha - at slightly higher stakes - Rs 201/-. I mean inflation affects everyone, although the news papers predict deflation in India.
I went back home with heavy heart. As I was strolling aimlessly, I met another school mate - a confirmed bachelor and an avowed Socialist. He had this big smile on his face and was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He put a hand on my shoulder and said "Comrade! I feel your pain. I understand you don't have the money to buy a necklace for your wife. This is why I don't like capitalism - if we had followed the Socialism theory, we would have fought to get the wife rice not necklaces".
I was stupefied - how did the news get around so quickly? Was it SaasuMa who had told the world? No, it could not be - she did not know any of my friends. Then I realized that BBC must have spread the news - now I remember why we used to call him BBC. Damn!! His only job was to spread bad news around....
Women - what a sex! As the guru said, "Women - you cant live without them, you cant kill them".
Was this the end for Bhagwaan?
To be continued....
SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out..now read on..
I woke up the next day feeling feverish after a bad dream. 6 days to go and I had no plans to get out of the situation. It was a complex case for my feeble intellect and no signs of any help from Ganesha till now.....
I decided that I should ask for advice from another self-proclaimed authority on marriage - my old school chum Jai aka BBC aka British Broadcasting Corporation. I don't remember why he was called BBC from school. BBC has been married for 13 years now (one year more than me) and hence an authority. Anyway, I met him and posed the question to him
"Hey BBC - tell me something. If a woman "likes" a thing, does it mean she wants it"?
BBC, the goof that he is, immediately misunderstood "He He!! So who is this new woman in your life and what does she "like"? Does Bhagyawaan know?"
I retorted "No No - its about Bhagyawaan - she "likes" a necklace. Does it mean that I should buy it for her? You know how much she frowns on unnecessary expenses and doesn't really care about material things"
BBC said "Of course, you don't have to buy it for her. Bhagyawaan is not like other women - she understands that you cannot afford it".
I was ecstatic - looks like my problem was solved. A person who was married for 13 long years had stamped his authority!
"You have taken a load of my mind - I was really worried especially with SaasuMa's jibes".
I heard a sudden explosion almost as if a cylinder had exploded and saw BBC on the floor laughing - I heard of ROTFL in chat language but this was the first time, I actually saw it.
BBC said "My dear child - I was being sarcastic. Of course, you have buy it for her. I remember making this mistake a few years back under the same illusion and believe me, the war that went .on made an India-Pak war feel like a small spat. I have never made that same mistake again. Just imagine...".
I took his advice. I inspected my imagination. It boggled! I was back to square one now.
I sent another message to Ganesha - at slightly higher stakes - Rs 201/-. I mean inflation affects everyone, although the news papers predict deflation in India.
I went back home with heavy heart. As I was strolling aimlessly, I met another school mate - a confirmed bachelor and an avowed Socialist. He had this big smile on his face and was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He put a hand on my shoulder and said "Comrade! I feel your pain. I understand you don't have the money to buy a necklace for your wife. This is why I don't like capitalism - if we had followed the Socialism theory, we would have fought to get the wife rice not necklaces".
I was stupefied - how did the news get around so quickly? Was it SaasuMa who had told the world? No, it could not be - she did not know any of my friends. Then I realized that BBC must have spread the news - now I remember why we used to call him BBC. Damn!! His only job was to spread bad news around....
Women - what a sex! As the guru said, "Women - you cant live without them, you cant kill them".
Was this the end for Bhagwaan?
To be continued....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 1)!!
"Bhagwaan. have you decided" asked SaasuMa, without a by-your-leave.
"Decided what? what-what-what" I stuttered - she always has this effect on me.
"Decided on what to buy for Bhagyawaan" she said.
I was really flummoxed now. "Why should I buy something" I said.
She gritted her teeth - believe me it sounded like that concrete mixer that they use when they construct buildings.
But then I am getting ahead of myself - I keep forgetting you don’t know all these characters. Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).
Now that you know all the characters, lets get on with the conversation..
“Because its your wedding anniversary next week. I did not expect you to forget your own wedding anniversary” said SaasuMa, giving her “I know that you are an imbecile” look.
I had actually forgotten - what with the slump in the industry and the subsequent “keep my job” syndrome in the office, I had completely missed it but of course, I could not admit it to her.
“Of course, I remember that Feb 14th is our anniversary. I have already told the florist to send 12 roses” said yours truly.
She sniffed and then snorted - the only woman who could do together in 5 seconds. I should talk to these Limca Records fellows about it but then I digress..
“Have a cold?”
“No..I was thinking about my mistake 12 years back when I married my daughter to you and not Sonu”
“Who is Sonu” I said and then I recalled that SaasuMa was a big fan of the singer Sonu Nigam - apparently she wanted her daughter to marry someone “just like Sonu Nigam”. She kept calling him “Oh so chweet”. I was obviously not up to the mark - although I believe I looked better than Sonu Nigam NOW.
“Anyways!” she replied. “Roses are just symbolic but I know Bhagyawaan has her mind set on that necklace that she saw the other day we went shopping”.
“What necklace?”
“The one with those green and red stones”.
“Oh! THAT one but I am sure she did not want to BUY it. She realized how expensive it was - about 60 grams or so, wasn’t it?”
“60!! More like 88 grams”
Other than giving her a look of “oh death - where is thy sting”, I could not say anything and silently walked out.
Now I was..whats the word I was looking for..starts with a con..contracted? No. consulted..No No…condoled?… confounded!! that’s the word..how was I going to buy a necklace of 88 grams when I was not sure how I could pay the EMI on the house loan I had taken plus my credit card bills. With the current rates of 1500 for a gram, I was looking at a damage of about 132000/-, definitely a big dent on my already precarious finances. My bank manager was already avoiding me when I visited the bank.
Then I remembered - this was when I should call Ganesha - my friend, philosopher and guide. Now Ganesha was not someone all people could see but then every time I called Him, he helped me out. I silently sent out a prayer to him - get me out of this mess on our usual terms and conditions - Rs 101/- in the Hundi box.
(To be continued...)
"Decided what? what-what-what" I stuttered - she always has this effect on me.
"Decided on what to buy for Bhagyawaan" she said.
I was really flummoxed now. "Why should I buy something" I said.
She gritted her teeth - believe me it sounded like that concrete mixer that they use when they construct buildings.
But then I am getting ahead of myself - I keep forgetting you don’t know all these characters. Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).
Now that you know all the characters, lets get on with the conversation..
“Because its your wedding anniversary next week. I did not expect you to forget your own wedding anniversary” said SaasuMa, giving her “I know that you are an imbecile” look.
I had actually forgotten - what with the slump in the industry and the subsequent “keep my job” syndrome in the office, I had completely missed it but of course, I could not admit it to her.
“Of course, I remember that Feb 14th is our anniversary. I have already told the florist to send 12 roses” said yours truly.
She sniffed and then snorted - the only woman who could do together in 5 seconds. I should talk to these Limca Records fellows about it but then I digress..
“Have a cold?”
“No..I was thinking about my mistake 12 years back when I married my daughter to you and not Sonu”
“Who is Sonu” I said and then I recalled that SaasuMa was a big fan of the singer Sonu Nigam - apparently she wanted her daughter to marry someone “just like Sonu Nigam”. She kept calling him “Oh so chweet”. I was obviously not up to the mark - although I believe I looked better than Sonu Nigam NOW.
“Anyways!” she replied. “Roses are just symbolic but I know Bhagyawaan has her mind set on that necklace that she saw the other day we went shopping”.
“What necklace?”
“The one with those green and red stones”.
“Oh! THAT one but I am sure she did not want to BUY it. She realized how expensive it was - about 60 grams or so, wasn’t it?”
“60!! More like 88 grams”
Other than giving her a look of “oh death - where is thy sting”, I could not say anything and silently walked out.
Now I was..whats the word I was looking for..starts with a con..contracted? No. consulted..No No…condoled?… confounded!! that’s the word..how was I going to buy a necklace of 88 grams when I was not sure how I could pay the EMI on the house loan I had taken plus my credit card bills. With the current rates of 1500 for a gram, I was looking at a damage of about 132000/-, definitely a big dent on my already precarious finances. My bank manager was already avoiding me when I visited the bank.
Then I remembered - this was when I should call Ganesha - my friend, philosopher and guide. Now Ganesha was not someone all people could see but then every time I called Him, he helped me out. I silently sent out a prayer to him - get me out of this mess on our usual terms and conditions - Rs 101/- in the Hundi box.
(To be continued...)
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