How Bhagwaan got married - Part 2

The story so far...


Bhagwaan has reached a "marriageable" age and hence his relatives are trying to get him married. He meets the office shrew Priyanka at his aunt's house and is horrified to hear from his mother that his marriage with Priyanka is almost "fixed". As usual, Bhagwaan has no unique ideas of his own and leaves it to Ganesha to resolve the crisis...Given the year (1995), terms and conditions are fixed at a reasonable Rs 21/- with Ganesha. Now read on...


The next day Bhagwaan reached the office and got quite a few looks from his colleagues - some were full of pity and some seemed to be laughing at him. He realized that Priyanka must have told the office about the developments. Think of the devil! and there she was..!


Priyanka: Hello Bhagwaan!


Bhagwaan: Ahem!! Er...Hello Hello Hello...


Priyanka: What on earth are you wearing? Blue doesn't suit you at all!


Bhagwaan: What?!!!! Quite a few people have told me that blue suits me very well.


Priyanka: Your blind friends, I suppose? (and she gave him an arched look) Also, I think you need a hair cut. That hair cut looks so stupid on you - I know someone who can fix it.


Bhagwaan: That is my Tom Cruise hair cut yaar!!(Editor's note: This line was picked up by a Hindi movie about 9 years later. Unfortunately, Bhagwaan did not copyright it at that time)


Priyanka gave him a kids-will-be-kids look and walked off towards the boss’s office. As a parting shot she said "And you should stop drinking - it damages your liver as you well know...”

Bhagwaan could see his life flashing in front of his eyes and also his future one...it did not look very pleasant. He knew that his goose was cooked - Priyanka would do exactly as she said and this was even before marriage. God only knows what she would do after marriage...He inspected his imagination - it boggled!!


It was a very pensive Bhagwaan who stuttered through the next few days. The story around the office was that he was running into walls and jumping from his seat at the slightest tap on the shoulder. But then Ganesha had never failed him...However, he repeated his terms and conditions to Ganesha in case HE had forgotten.

The week passed by slowly. Finally Friday came and for Bhagwaan, it was like a Monday - he was dreading each day now. However, he stood in a queue in front of the STD booth as usual at 10.30 pm (rates were cheaper) to call his mother. Finally, he got his chance after a wait of half an hour

Bhagwaan: Hello Ma. How is life? (and in an undertone to himself "Hopefully its good, mine is messed up anyway")

Ma: I am fine, beta. I went to the Siddhi Vinayaka temple in Marredpally and had a dream as soon as I came out...

Bhagwaan realized his mother could take for an hour about her dreams, convinced that they were real but cost him a lot of money...He had no choice but to listen half heartedly..He did not listen to her and kept grunting in between. Suddenly he perked up...

Ma: ...and so beta, that is why you should not marry Priyanka...


Bhagwaan: What? You are asking me NOT to marry Priyanka. But I thought YOU wanted me to marry her.


Ma: You have not been listening at all to my conversation. You have been like from childhood. I was telling you about the dream I had after visiting the Siddhi Vinayaka temple - you know that Ganesha temple near our house - it is similar to the famous one in Bombay.


Bhagwaan: Yes Yes...go on!!


Ma: I dreamt that after your marriage I would be alone in the house since Priyanka would drive me away from you. You have always been my favourite, even though you were dropped on the floor when you were a child. You know, beta, how I trust my dreams. I know it will be a blow to you but I am sure there are other girls around...


Bhagwaan: Of course, Ma!! Anything for you...It will break my heart but I will use QuickFix...


Ma: So nice, beta. And for that, I will allow you to have that ridiculous hair cut - Tom Drive or something...


Bhagwaan: Tom Cruise Ma!! Thanks! Now let me go home and cry..!!


And that’s exactly what Bhagwaan did - he went home and cried in joy!!! Ganesha has again pulled him out of a tough situation. The next Sunday was a Saturday and lets just say Bhagwaan's purse was lighter by Rs 21/-!

PS: In hindsight, maybe the title of this post should have been "How Bhagwaan got married - ALMOST!!"

Concluded

How Bhagwaan got married - Part 1

The year 1995 - a very significant year because that was the year Windows 95 was released in the market. Knowing very well that Windows would occupy more and more of your disk space, there is announcement of the DVD format to store large amounts of data. The year was even more significant because our dear friend Bhagwaan was put up in the matrimonial market place.

Bhagwaan was not a handsome man (by any stretch of imagination!!) but had a great IQ and an even better sense of humor. He did not exactly set the market place on fire but news of his mellow nature reached quite a few women who had daughters of a marriageable age.
He suddenly found vague relatives come up to him and ask probing questions about his job, his salary, and his "habits" during social functions. Although the women felt that they were subtle ("usko kuch pata hi nahin chala!!"), he could easily see through them.

One day, he was "invited" casually for lunch at his aunt's house. He was quite surprised since he rarely got such invites. But having got bored on his own cooking, he decided to go anyway - Maggi noodles does not give much of nutrition whatever the ads say!! He arrived at about 1 and was surprised to see a strange lady opening the door and even more surprised to see her give a broad smile. She looked vaguely familiar - like someone at the office but she looked too old to be working..

"Arre!! Come in, Bhagwaan! So nice to see you" said the S.L. He walked in and saw his aunt with a few other strangers. Everyone seemed to smiling and nudging each other. That's when he saw HER!! He remembered her very well - for all the wrong reasons! Her name was Priya-something and she used to work in his office. She used to constantly fight with everyone but was reputed to be in the boss's good books primarily because she used to go and tell him all the office gossip. She herself was reputed to be bossy and would crack her whip as required. For people familiar with PG Wodehouse, she started where Florence Craye left off..

Bhagwaan was wondering how she was here - maybe she knew one of his cousins. Suddenly his aunt came up and said “Bhagwaan - do you know Priyanka? She is my cousin Renuka's daughter?” and pointed to the S.L. Then it dawned on him - now he knew why the S.L. looked familiar.

His aunt kept going on "You know Priyanka is such a nice girl - she also works in IT in SEEPZ. I am told her boss likes her a lot as well as all her office people because she has such a sweet nature". He glared at Priyanka but was surprised to see a strange look on her face. A look which said "Is this person worth it? Can I mould this person?". He quickly gobbled his lunch and went home.

Later in the evening, he called up home as spoke to his mother. He had to stand in a long line in front of the STD booth to get a chance to call his mother (yeah - the days when there were no mobiles!!!).

His mother said "So how was lunch today? Did you meet Priyanka? How did you like her?"

Bhagwaan spluttered "Priyanka? How do you know her? Why will I like her at all?"

His mother replied "Because we are planning to get you married to her. You have such a dreamy nature and she would take you in hand. You need someone strong in your life and I think she will fit in well. "

Bhagwaan was flabbergasted "What? I do want to marry but I can’t marry Priyanka. She will make my life hell. She is a bossy person and you know very well that I don't like bossy women".

His mother replied "Bhagwaan - don't be a pest. I have heard about Priyanka and I think both of you will make a good couple. No arguments - I have already decided. So there!!!" and she banged the phone down.

Bhagwaan knew his mom well - once she had decided, she would stick to her decision. His father was a mild mannered man and hence did not really oppose her. How will he get out of this mess?

That is when he thought of Ganesha and decided to enlist his help...hopefully he would get out of this mess. Will Ganesha help or will Bhagwaan now become Mr. Priyanka?

To be continued

Bosses are a pain in a particular part of the anatomy - Part 2

The story so far

Dakkan, who is my nomination for the "Worst Boss" award, has just cancelled my vacation so he could go to Singapore for a conference. This has really made Bhagyawaan angry. I have, as usual, left it to Ganesha to handle the situation. Now read on....

Monday morning was gloomy to say the least - I had 4 days left to cancel my tickets but had immense faith in Ganesha since He had never let me down till now but it was not a very happy Bhagwaan who woke up on that dull morning. I had to take an early morning flight to Bangalore on official work - this was when Bangalore and Hyderabad did not have the new spanking airports so when I came out Bangalore airport, it felt that I had gone thru a long train journey in a General Compartment. Dakkan had called in earlier to say that he was not feeling well and hence would not be in for the next few days! He actual words were "sick as a dog". Yeah! Right! I forgot to remind him about my Bangalore trip then said - what the hell!

Anyway, I reached Bangalore, did some hard work to earn my daily bread and went back to the hotel at around 10 pm in the night. I realized that I had to buy something for Baddu and was at a loss for options. It was pretty late in the night so I had no interest to go out and search.


Suddenly, I was watching cartoons and realized that there was shop in the hotel itself selling some stuffed toys. I went down to see if it was still open. Luckily, they were open although Walt Disney would have probably disowned the Mickey Mouse look alike that they were selling. I need a cup of coffee and stepped into the restaurant when I got the surprise and shock of my life!! I saw Dakkan with peering deeply into the eyes of a young lady who was definitely NOT his wife!! For a moment, I thought I had a seen a ghost but realized that it was not a dream. I guess I must have yelped because both suddenly both of them looked were startled and turned towards me. You should have seen the look on Dakkan's face - it was the first time that I saw a look of acute embarrassment and guilt on it. This is how the rest of the conversation went


DAKKAN: Oh Bhagwaan - I did not know you were in Bangalore


I : Ah


DAKKAN: I was just trying to remove this fly from this lady's eye


I: Ah


DAKKAN: It was troubling her - she is just a good friend of mine


I: Ah


DAKKAN: There is nothing going on between us...


ME: Ah!


You must have my notice my wide range of vocabulary in this conversation - pretty nifty, eh? It really made him nervous indeed. Sick as a dog - my left foot!! Now I was really fuming at his lies. This was when he made his last bloomer

DAKKAN: She is like my sister...

This was when the lady in question shot up - she gave him a dirty look that must have frozen him and walked out in a huff. I guess he must have suffered enough and walked out with dignity.

I took the early morning flight on Tuesday and reached office in the afternoon. I went into Dakkan's office - he was on the phone with his wife telling her that he was "stuck" in Bangalore because of some "urgent critical business issues". I could hear a lot of squawking on the phone so I guess it was not a happy party on the other end. I could see Dakkan sweating now and believe me - it was a happy sight!.

After maybe 5 minutes, he hung up and looked at me sheepishly - he had guilt written all over him. He gulped and said


"Ah Bhagwaan - I must congratulate you. You seem to have done a good job on the project - have been hearing a lot of praise from quite a few people".


I gave him my patented "I-know-BS-when-I-hear-it" look.


He tried again "I believe I owe you an explanation. Let me just say that what you saw yesterday will not be repeated again - I hope you wont talk about it to anyone. I have learnt my lesson"


I was about to retort when I realized that for the first time, I saw a semblance of truth in his statement. I guess he had REALLY learnt his lesson well. It was time to be a bigger man - I decided to let it go and was about to walk out...As I was near the door, he spoke again


"Bhagwaan - remember that vacation that you had asked for - well you can take it. I also plan to spend time with family but will be in town so you can take the time off".


I was pleasantly surprised to see his reaction and I could only mutter a thanks. I immediately went to call Bhagyawaan and give her the news. As expected, she was more than happy and said


"Remember that Mickey Mouse that you got for Baddu - he likes it so much. He has actually taken and kept it in the puja room just beside the Ganesha idol".


Then it stuck me about the connection- Mickey Mouse ->mouse->rat->Ganesha..Guess He did hear me - If I had not gone to get that Mickey Mouse, I would not have got my vacation. I need to settle the dues with Him today.

Concluded

Bosses are a pain in a particular part of the anatomy - Part 1

Bosses!! The word itself can make people wake up late in the night and curse. I have been fortunate enough to have good bosses in my career but there have been exceptions. I remember this boss a few years back - you know the kind of guy who makes you so angry that you don't like coming to the office. What did you say? You know such a guy? What? You ARE such a guy? Oh well - I guess you can't help it.

Now where was I? Ah yes - talking about my boss a few years back. This is when I was much younger with just one kid (Badu) and Bhagyawaan. Those were the days when I and Bhagyawaan used to have real conversations like - The movie was really good or Lets make pizzas at home today or Lets not wake up till 11 am.

Nowadays of course, our conversations go like this - Badu has lost his books in school or the tap is leaking or the bank called - they have increased their EMI. In summary, boring and full of ennui. But again, I digress. I must get out of this bad habit..

Coming back to his boss - we used to call him Dakkan. Dakkan was one of the guys who thought that the world revolved around him so most of the conversation had his personal pronoun "I". The side effect of thinking that the w. revolved around h. was that he felt he was the center of it.
His idea of fun was to work late in the night and then come back early in the morning - not him - it was you. He would play golf on a Sunday. What did you say? You are not THAT bad? I knew it.

Well, this happened on a Friday evening - I was just about to go home when Dakkan called me in to his office. I gave him a glare which had no effect. It was like throwing water on a buffalo, come to think of it, he looked like one but again I digress.

"Bhagwaan - remember that vacation of yours? Well, its cancelled. You would need to be here since I am going to a conference in Singapore around the same time. One of us needs to be in office to take charge, if required" - he said these words without a by-your-leave.

I spluttered in rage "What? I had planned it quite some time back - it will be too late to cancel now".

He said "I am sorry" (although he did not look like he was sorry at all, in fact I think I saw a smirk on his face. "This conference invite came up suddenly and of course, someone who could represent the company had to go..."

I guess I had no choice and give the bad news to Bhagyawaan although I shuddered to think of the consequences. Bhagyawaan was looking forward to it from a long time and I knew I would be the target. I WAS the target - she gave me a glare and some choice words which I cannot repeat on this blog. Also, a few kitchen utensils were thrown around - some of them colliding with me.

1 week to go - how was I get out of this mess? If you know me well by now, you would have guessed that I would turn to one person who always helped me - Ganesha. You are right, that's what I did...we discussed our usual terms and conditions and I gave HIM 7 days to get me out of this mess...

To be continued

Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Final Part)!!

The story so far: Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter). SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out. Getting no response, I upped my stakes with him and also asked a friend - there was no help there. Worse, he has spread the word & now the entire world seems to know about it! Now read on..

5 days to go and no end in sight. The last time I felt like this was when I got married - apparently history repeats itself every 12 years. I then had a brain wave. Yeah yeah - I can see those winks now from all of you reading this blog and know me well - Bhagwaan and a brain wave - ha ha!! - sounds like an oxymoron almost like being happily married. Anyway - I did have one not a tsunami kind of wave but like the a tepid one like the tea I get when Bhagyawaan is angry.

And that's when SHE walked in - Bhagyawaan I mean. Think of the dev.. oops..forget what I was about to say. My brain wave was simple - subtly ask Bhagyawaan what SHE wants. Simple and cunning, eh? So here is how the conversation went

ME: Heh Heh Bhagyawaan - wazzup?
SHE: You are watching too many American movies - what is this "whats up" stuff?
ME: Would you like to go out today?
SHE (with one eyebrow raised): What? Are you OK? Have a fever? You never ask if we can go out..
ME: I'm fine - thought we can drive around Necklace Road today (for the uninitiated Necklace Road is a favourite hangout in Hyderabad for people and mosquitoes with the latter usually winning)
SHE (eyes all lit up): Absolutely!! I would like to go to Necklace (significant pause) Road (in a sotto voce).
ME:

My goose was cooked!! She was expecting it...Ganesha Ganesha - where art thou?!!!!

Suddenly, this mouse brushed my leg and ran away.I was so startled that I almost and upset all the things on my table including a desktop calendar. As I was keeping the stuff back, my eyes fell on the calendar - there were two circles - one for Feb 14th and the other one for Feb 12th.

I knew the one for 14th (my anniversary) but what was 12th? Then it hit me - it was SaasuMa's birthday!! How could I have been such a big fool!! That is when I had my second wave - I ordered a big cake and flowers to be delivered to her on her birthday. I also shopped for a shawl which I knew SaasuMa always wanted. You should have seen the look on her face when she got those gifts - she was in heaven!! More importantly, Bhagyawaan was ecstatic - she could not hide her glee!!

That's when I took a big risk and casually told her "You know what - I know you wanted that necklace but I don't think I can afford it right now".

She replied "You big oaf!! Do you think I wanted a necklace? Is that why you were going around like a hunted rat(sic!) all these days? I would rather see my mother happy than have a necklace. I was actually worried that you would forget Ma's birthday like last year!!".

I felt like what Edison must have felt when his bulb actually burned!! I was so relieved - I took her in my arms and agreed with what the guru says "The best way to a woman's heart is thru her mother". Amen to that!!

And Bhagwaan lived for another day!!

Concluded
PS: I did give Ganesha His Rs 201/- . I mean a deal is a deal and I am sure he sent that mouse to my house...

Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 2)!!

The story so far Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).

SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out..now read on..

I woke up the next day feeling feverish after a bad dream. 6 days to go and I had no plans to get out of the situation. It was a complex case for my feeble intellect and no signs of any help from Ganesha till now.....

I decided that I should ask for advice from another self-proclaimed authority on marriage - my old school chum Jai aka BBC aka British Broadcasting Corporation. I don't remember why he was called BBC from school. BBC has been married for 13 years now (one year more than me) and hence an authority. Anyway, I met him and posed the question to him

"Hey BBC - tell me something. If a woman "likes" a thing, does it mean she wants it"?

BBC, the goof that he is, immediately misunderstood "He He!! So who is this new woman in your life and what does she "like"? Does Bhagyawaan know?"

I retorted "No No - its about Bhagyawaan - she "likes" a necklace. Does it mean that I should buy it for her? You know how much she frowns on unnecessary expenses and doesn't really care about material things"

BBC said "Of course, you don't have to buy it for her. Bhagyawaan is not like other women - she understands that you cannot afford it".

I was ecstatic - looks like my problem was solved. A person who was married for 13 long years had stamped his authority!

"You have taken a load of my mind - I was really worried especially with SaasuMa's jibes".

I heard a sudden explosion almost as if a cylinder had exploded and saw BBC on the floor laughing - I heard of ROTFL in chat language but this was the first time, I actually saw it.
BBC said "My dear child - I was being sarcastic. Of course, you have buy it for her. I remember making this mistake a few years back under the same illusion and believe me, the war that went .on made an India-Pak war feel like a small spat. I have never made that same mistake again. Just imagine...".

I took his advice. I inspected my imagination. It boggled! I was back to square one now.

I sent another message to Ganesha - at slightly higher stakes - Rs 201/-. I mean inflation affects everyone, although the news papers predict deflation in India.

I went back home with heavy heart. As I was strolling aimlessly, I met another school mate - a confirmed bachelor and an avowed Socialist. He had this big smile on his face and was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He put a hand on my shoulder and said "Comrade! I feel your pain. I understand you don't have the money to buy a necklace for your wife. This is why I don't like capitalism - if we had followed the Socialism theory, we would have fought to get the wife rice not necklaces".

I was stupefied - how did the news get around so quickly? Was it SaasuMa who had told the world? No, it could not be - she did not know any of my friends. Then I realized that BBC must have spread the news - now I remember why we used to call him BBC. Damn!! His only job was to spread bad news around....

Women - what a sex! As the guru said, "Women - you cant live without them, you cant kill them".

Was this the end for Bhagwaan?
To be continued....

Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 1)!!

"Bhagwaan. have you decided" asked SaasuMa, without a by-your-leave.

"Decided what? what-what-what" I stuttered - she always has this effect on me.

"Decided on what to buy for Bhagyawaan" she said.

I was really flummoxed now. "Why should I buy something" I said.
She gritted her teeth - believe me it sounded like that concrete mixer that they use when they construct buildings.

But then I am getting ahead of myself - I keep forgetting you don’t know all these characters. Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).

Now that you know all the characters, lets get on with the conversation..

“Because its your wedding anniversary next week. I did not expect you to forget your own wedding anniversary” said SaasuMa, giving her “I know that you are an imbecile” look.

I had actually forgotten - what with the slump in the industry and the subsequent “keep my job” syndrome in the office, I had completely missed it but of course, I could not admit it to her.

“Of course, I remember that Feb 14th is our anniversary. I have already told the florist to send 12 roses” said yours truly.

She sniffed and then snorted - the only woman who could do together in 5 seconds. I should talk to these Limca Records fellows about it but then I digress..

“Have a cold?”

“No..I was thinking about my mistake 12 years back when I married my daughter to you and not Sonu”

“Who is Sonu” I said and then I recalled that SaasuMa was a big fan of the singer Sonu Nigam - apparently she wanted her daughter to marry someone “just like Sonu Nigam”. She kept calling him “Oh so chweet”. I was obviously not up to the mark - although I believe I looked better than Sonu Nigam NOW.

“Anyways!” she replied. “Roses are just symbolic but I know Bhagyawaan has her mind set on that necklace that she saw the other day we went shopping”.

“What necklace?”

“The one with those green and red stones”.

“Oh! THAT one but I am sure she did not want to BUY it. She realized how expensive it was - about 60 grams or so, wasn’t it?”

“60!! More like 88 grams”

Other than giving her a look of “oh death - where is thy sting”, I could not say anything and silently walked out.

Now I was..whats the word I was looking for..starts with a con..contracted? No. consulted..No No…condoled?… confounded!! that’s the word..how was I going to buy a necklace of 88 grams when I was not sure how I could pay the EMI on the house loan I had taken plus my credit card bills. With the current rates of 1500 for a gram, I was looking at a damage of about 132000/-, definitely a big dent on my already precarious finances. My bank manager was already avoiding me when I visited the bank.

Then I remembered - this was when I should call Ganesha - my friend, philosopher and guide. Now Ganesha was not someone all people could see but then every time I called Him, he helped me out. I silently sent out a prayer to him - get me out of this mess on our usual terms and conditions - Rs 101/- in the Hundi box.
(To be continued...)