Top 10 people I have on my FB list

I have been a fan of FB for quite some time and over a period of time, I have made many friends thanks to it. Most of them are people I know in person and a few I have met virtually. Although FB allows you to categorize your friends into family etc, I have my own 10 ways of categorizing the friends on FB..Here goes...

1.   The Farmville Fanatic:

You know this guy well, don’t you? I can see your head nodding as you read it. Either you ARE one or you know one! He is the one who asks you find his lost cow. In real life, this guy has never seen a farm in real life.

2.   The Tagger Teaser :

 Easy to recognize – he tags you everywhere even in pictures where you are not even present. Sometimes it’s not even a pic but some wishy-washy philosophy

3.   The Mystery Man:

This guy loves to tantalize you by his status. For example, his status can just say “Feeling low” without explaining why. Of course, this will get your attention immediately. But this is where I find that FB is very sexist. If a girl posts the above message, she will immediately get 105 likes and messages like “Awww…”, “So bad..feel for you”, “I am there for you.” Etc etc. If a guy does that, he will be glad if he gets 2 likes (one from himself) and one message saying “Grow up, dude!”

4.  The Living the Vida Loca:

This is the person who is most envied and is the cause of most emotional strife in your life. He is the guy who has updated his check in in fancy hotels all over the world except his home country. He never seems to be at work. Even if he is at work, he is in Hawaii or Caracas not Ahmedabad or Bhubaneswar.

5.  The Linker:

This guy never posts anything original – he only posts links to some random sites with messages like “Check this out…” Best ignored since the sites are usually dubious.

6.   The Prolific Photographer :

Closely related to the Living La Vida Loca guy – this guy posts pictures of exotic places with tag lines like “Loved the bungee jump from Victoria Falls #feelingontop”. However, this group consists of people who post pictures of everything - their cousin’s birthday, their dog’s birthday, his nephew’s first day in school or sometimes 9 pictures of his wife with almost the same expression on her face.  Most status messages say “XXXX has uploaded 102 pictures of his vacation in Venezuela”

            7. The Philosophical Plato:

Closely related to the Linker, this guy seems to be in depression all his life. Hence, the quotes from random philosophers which are about kindness etc. However, this guy never shows any kindness of his own – just the quotes.

            8. The Happy Birthday Logger:

Only found online on his birthday and then disappears from FB for the rest of the year. You realize he just wants to feel happy on his birthday and be proud that 100+ people wished him Happy Birthday with almost the same message.

            9. The Phantom Chatter

The one who says Hi and then total silence even after you respond. You, of course, say Hi to him/her immediately especially if he/she is of the opposite gender. You notice he has read your message after a few weeks and then disappears again to resurface with another Hi in a few months. 

          10. The Stalker Sam:

You know him! The guy who says Hi AS SOON AS you log in. This guy can be a problem especially if a spouse happens to be standing right behind you when you log in.

If you have come to this blog thru my FB link, do let me know if YOU fall into any of the above categories or any other set of people you have noticed in your FB list...

Top 10 characters you meet in restaurants

For some reason, I have this bad habit of observing people especially in public places - be it a train station, an airport or a restaurant. Since I had already written about the people on trains, flights, I focused my attention on my favorite topic - food.So here are my Top 10 people you meet in a restaurant normally and my two cents advice on how to handle them...

1.       The Show Off

This one you would definitely know.  You name any dish and he will compare it to something he had in a different city or country for that matter. For example, you like the tandoori chicken and comment on it and he will immediately say “Oh this is nothing. Back home in Dilli, you get the most amazing chicken in Def Col”. He won’t stop there and rave about every food joint in Delhi that he likes and describe each occasion for you. God forbid if you order continental food. He will then talk about who how good the Fusilli sicilliana was in Italy with the Fusilli was tossed with fresh tomato, garlic, fried eggplants, capers, chilli flakes, olive oil, basil, caramelised onions, pecorino and parmesan (oh yeah! HE remembers!!),

My advice: Just pick up pointers from him and use it with other obnoxious friends to show off a bit yourself. You know the old adage – if you can’t beat them, join them!

 2.       The Closed Mind Colleague

This guy is one of the most difficult people to go out for lunch. He is the one who is so set in his ways and food preferences that you can never experiment with food. He knows the entire menu in his preferred restaurant but won’t try anything else anywhere. Try any other cuisine – a different part of the country, different country etc. etc. and he will nix it.

My advice: Best avoided unless you feel like having his preferred type of food on a particular day or he is the last person on earth (whichever comes first)

3.       The Technology Narcissist

This is the easiest person to recognize in the restaurant. This is the guy who comes in with all of you and as soon as he sits down, his cell phone comes out and is put on the table. He will keep checking his phone every few seconds and half listen to your conversation. If someone calls him, he will talk loudly (the restaurant has to hear, isn’t it?) and say "What am I doing now? Nothing important at all”.

My advice:

IF you are a klutz (or even if you are not), feel free to drop some hot coffee on his pants!

4.       The Bindaas Parents

Your worst nightmare!   Don’t take me wrong – I like kids especially babies with cute smiles. But when I see parents who allow their toddlers to run amok, I really get pissed. I know you love your kids and might be amused by their obnoxious behavior but we are NOT! Leave them at home or train them to be better behaved. I would not like my romantic dinner interrupted by infantile shrieking nor get their bodies getting entangled in my legs when I get a hot dish from the buffet.

My advice: Leave immediately if you see such a crowd. You can always order in from the local Chinese restaurant and eat in peace at home.

  

5.       The Wiki’pain’dia

This guy knows everything about anything on the menu. He will tell you exactly what boeuf bourguignon means, the Zomato rating of the restaurant and the wine which can go with each dish. He can also reel of names of all the cheeses found in France.  Although he can be useful sometimes but he never knows when to stop.

My advice: Take him along especially if it’s a new cuisine that you are experimenting but pair him with the Show Off. Between them, they can bore each other for a long time.

6.       The Late Comers

Here is the situation - you find this great happening place in town. You have heard so much about the food and the Page 3 crowd there. You finally get a reservation and reach on time. And THEN, the rest of the party strolls in cheerfully half an hour later, without an apology. By which time, your table has been given away to someone else and you need to wait for another day.

  

My advice: Give the time at least 1 hour before the actual time. As a Plan B, take two inflatable dummies and put them on the chairs just to book the table. People might not even notice!!

7.       The Obnoxious Jerk

 You must have met this one: He will ask for changes in every dish that he orders. “Can you put margarine instead of butter? Can it be done with white sauce instead of red?” This is the kind of guy who will even ask for changes in the McDonald’s menu. God forbid – if the dish is a little bit cold or hot, he will send it back. He will complain loudly that the plates are not clean; the forks are dirty etc. etc. You will squirm in your seat and start to look everywhere hoping that people don’t know you came in together.  

My advice: See if the waiter can give you a different table. If he cannot, better avoid that restaurant from now on – the glares you get while going out would have given you the hint.

8.       The Scrooge

This is guy who is the penny pincher in the group. He is the one who insists that he will pay only for the food HE ATE and not divide equally. “Well – I did not eat non veg plus I had only two drinks and hence I will pay only for that”. He quickly calculates that his share comes to Rs 1482.50 and trusts you to figure out how the rest of the bill will be split. A close cousin is the person who rounds off to the lowest hundred rupees. For example, instead of 1482, he will pay only 1400 and expect you to make up the rest.

My advice: Don’t share his food and ask him to sit on a different table. It saves you a lot of headaches and calculations – things best avoided when you have had 4 drinks.

  

9.       The "I am bad at Math" person

Most often this guy also comes disguised as The Scrooge.  Have you ever been in a situation when everyone pays the “share” and yet you realized you have a Rs 2000 deficit that you have to pay from your own pocket? That is because 6 of them conveniently ignored the taxes and tips while calculating.  They are the ones who tell loudly that the service was bad (even if it wasn't) and why they will never come back to that restaurant.

My advice: Carry a calculator with you everywhere.  Do the math and ask everyone to pay accordingly. If it’s a recurring habit, then just join them and have someone else pay the bill.

 10.   The Hogger

So you order these great dishes, right? The waiter comes in to serve and the dish is passed around and when it reaches you, you only see a little bit of gravy and no chicken pieces. Ever happened to you? Then you have a Hogger in your midst. This is the guy who grabs the dish from the waiter, ensures he gets the best chicken pieces and then reluctantly passes it around. If possible, he will keep the dish near him so he can serve himself when needed.

My advice: Tip the waiter IN ADVANCE. This ensures you get the food first. Plan B – sit beside the hogger. If nothing else, you will be in a better position than being the last one in the food chain literally.

 Feel free to add more to characters that YOU have seen in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you....

Top 10 Characters you meet on flights

Sometime back, I was in God's Own Country - Kerala for an off site strategy session and had the pleasure of staying in two different resorts. What struck me was the recurring theme in both resorts. While I had gone there thinking of sampling the local cuisine - appams etc. but actually found that the menu offered Paneer Butter Masala and Bhindi Do Pyaaza! Why will a place with such great cuisine make it so banal!! But then I digress - this blog was not about cuisine but something which happened at the airport.

Trivandrum airport (at least the domestic one) reminded me of the old Hyderabad and Bangalore ones - the ones with the yellow board and black letters. The smoking room (as I understand) had space for 3 people only and they were blowing at each other's faces. The kind of airport they used to show in old movies - the hero coming down from the plane wearing a shiny black suit and dark glasses (since he was "phoren returned"). The heroine standing 10 feet away from him waving out - also wearing dark glasses with her hair in a buff at the top - bouffant I think they call it.

 As I looked around, I saw people in suits and nice Kanjeevaram sarees and realized that’s how people normally dressed when they flew in a plane maybe 10 years back. In an earlier article, I had written about typical characters you meet on trains. (The post incidentally was appreciated by all my 7 readers – 4 of whom I had to bribe). I realized that air travel has also changed now - we see a few such "characters". Here are my Top 10 that I that have observed

1.  The "Been There So Many Times" Traveller

This is the person who gives everyone a supercilious look while he gets into the aircraft. You can recognize him by his first act - he presses the button to call the attendant as soon as he sits down and asks for water. The harried girl is trying to get the rest of the passengers to sit down and promises to be get it in a few minutes. She does manage it with a smile. Immediately he asks for a newspaper. She digs out "The Hindu" to be promptly asked for "The Economic Times". In short, this guy is the pain in a part of the anatomy that I can’t mention... Best answer to him is the air hostess from Air India.That Aunty won’t even give him the time of the day! He is also the first one to switch on his mobile as soon as the plane lands!

2.  The First Timer

This one is easily recognized - he is the one who desperately tries to look suave but actually appears gauche...He keenly observes the previous type of traveller to pick up some ideas. A close cousin is the one who calls on his cell phone to relatives talking about his flight even as we are on the runaway.

3.  The Family of Four

This is the family to watch out for - the dad who has been on it before and shows off to his wife and kids. The wife - all decked up - and trying to shush the kids all the time. The kids wearing bright clothes and basically have a great time. They can easily be recognized by the kids who keep pulling the air hostess's dress asking for chips and sandwiches from "Aunty".

4.  The Space Squatter

This is person who is keen on introducing his elbows to your ribs. He sits comfortably in his chair making sure that he gets full value for his seat irrespective of who sits beside him. Both his arms will be on the handles so basically you need to keep one of your hands hanging in the air.God forbid if you are a woman who is squashed in between two of this species!!

5.  The "Everything tastes well in the air" newbie

This is someone we all recognize - since we were one at some point of time. This is the person who basically takes away the things kept in front of him - water bottles, sugar, sauce and even salt and pepper. In fact, one of the more radical ones in this clan is the person who basically wraps up the entire food in the cloth napkin provided and stuffs into his bag.

6.  The "Conference Caucus"

This is the group of office executives who are travelling together for a conference. Easily recognized - they keep moving up and down the aisle, talking loudly about their latest "wins" and how they fooled their customers. This is the group which will soon start playing "Antakshari" on the plane.

7. The "Hindustan Leaver"

Our very own NRI. He is the one who is coming back after a few years and has this fake accent and a very righteous attitude to corruption. Still believes prices were as low as when he left. Usually, ends all sentences with “you know” (To be fair, I was in this category some time back).

  

8. The "Harried Housewife"

Mostly found on international flights, this is the hassled lady with two rambunctious and noisy kids who keep running here and there...She is the one who mostly probably is the one who needs a doctor on board. Her husband is smart enough to have decided to travel later - alone!

9. The "Flight Flirter"

This person is the one who thinks everything is included in his ticket including the air hostess. Usually found preferring the aisle seat and slouching towards the aisle (for obvious reasons)

10. The "Lost in their World" latecomers

This group is the most universally disliked set of people. They are the ones who ignore repeated calls to board the flight and hence delay everyone. They are even more disliked when they have the window seat and hence everyone in the row has to come out so that they can get in…

I am sure there are other types of people whom you have noticed...Do add more as you have seen on your travails.. I mean travels!! 

10 Commandments to be followed on Indian highways

People who have experienced driving on an Indian highway have numerous stories to tell about their harrowing experience. While it has its own charm of roadside dhabas and scenic beauty yet the entire journey is usually fraught with danger. I recall a few of my American friends who were sworn atheists suddenly turning religious during these trips.

I remember a few months back when I travelled to Chennai from Bangalore. Our driver had decided to demonstrate why he was the next Schumacher (or for the younger generation -the next Vettel) by driving at a very high speed. We almost hit a truck and if luck was not on our side that way, this blog would have stopped a few months back. 

At that exact moment, I had thought to myself - there should be a simple set of rules for driving on Indian highways. So here are my 10 Commandments for driving on Indian Highways (albeit a bit delayed)

10. Thou shall use your horn indiscriminately – that is why they are provided. However, horns need to be blasted based on intention. Short horns indicate that you want the person to move (please note: this doesn’t apply to cows). Long Blasts indicate that you are desperate and know one of you will die today. Also, this shall not apply to speed breakers. For some reason, speed breakers are immune to the horn although some people still give it a try.

9. Thou shall not brake – never ever. Braking is treated as a sign of weakness. When in doubt, look at rule on usage of horns

8. Thou shall take evasive actions only at the last minute. For example, if there is a vehicle coming right in front of you, you shall overtake a vehicle and THEN swerve when the incoming vehicle is just about to hit you.  This way, the passengers get a heart attack and still die (thus achieving your purpose) but they can’t blame YOU.

7. Thou shall not use seat belts especially the driver. They serve no purpose. The only belt that is important is the one for your pants so that they don’t fall down.

6. Thou shall not give way to ANYONE unless that vehicle is bigger than your vehicle. This includes anyone especially pedestrians. 

5. Thou shall not follow the lane system. The lane system is purely for cosmetic purposes like the red signal in Hyderabad – meant only as a suggestion.

4. Thou shall forget that there are indicators in your vehicle. Even if you do remember, ensure you turn the left indicator before you make a right turn. If you don’t, there are chances of confusing the driver behind you and causing a major accident

3. Thou shall overtake always – this is compulsory. This is especially required if another vehicle has overtaken you in which case, it is important for you have to have some pride and overtake THAT bugger. Of course, this can involve risks (as in incoming traffic but then what is the use of the horn?) (See rule on horns)

2. Thou shall always keep to the centre of the road – irrespective of the time, speed, size of vehicle and direction of travel. If needed, you can go to the right side of the road (we must follow the Americans) but NEVER move to the left. That is blasphemy and is condemned

1. In case of an accident, the bigger vehicle is ALWAYS to blame irrespective of whose fault it is…When you have an accident (and you are still alive), look at the other vehicle. If it’s bigger than yours, hold the other driver down until a crowd comes and bashes him up. If your vehicle is bigger, then RUN.

I am sure there are few more out there but I had space for only 10 before the interest of my very few readers ran out….

Top 10 characters you meet on trains

Summer usually makes me nostalgic of times when we actually HAD a summer vacation. It usually meant going to our parent's village and have a much laid back lifestyle at least for a few weeks. One of the best things of the vacation was the actual journey itself - courtesy the Indian Railways second class compartment. To me, this is the best way to know the real India. Here are some familiar characters during the journey

1. The Roving Romeo

This person is typically in the 19 - 25 age range. His first job before boarding the train is to look at the reservation chart and see if he can spot any 'F 19' person on the passenger list. You should see his joy when he sees quite a few girls in the range 19 to 25. You should also see his disappointment when he sees an old woman because Indian Railways decided to change the seats at the last minute. However, he is not defeated. He will twist and turn and try to eye women at least 20 feet away. Even if that does not work, he will saunter into the next three coaches and come back with news to his friends about exact locations.

2. The Inquisitive Indian

Probably the most common of personalities, he is the one who will start a conversation with his neighbour with the ice breaker question 'Aap Mumbai jaa rahen hai?' (Are you going to Mumbai?). This is at the beginning of the journey and by the end of it, knows everything about you and your family, including the name of your dog.

3. The 'My Train - My home' Traveller

This person is the one who has travelled the same route hundreds of times and is comfortable that the train is actually the extension of his home. You can recognize him by the "lungi" he wears as soon as gets on the train. He is also the person who can tell you that the train is late by 2 hours and depress you even more. A close friend of this character is the 'Let’s play Cards' Comrades - usually recognized by playing cards all through the night and loudly analysing each game.

4. The 'Can you exchange seats' Comrade

This is the person who usually tries his charm at exchanging seats with you because you are travelling alone and he has friends in your compartment. His seat would be usually 72 which is near the toilet which we know usually stinks. If you resist, he will mutter some obscenities under his breath about unhelpful passengers.

5. The 'We like Good Food' Family

This is the family which seems to have enormous amounts of food while you are eating the mess that Indian Railways calls as meals. Puris, Aloo Subzi, Achhar, fruits etc. In olden days, you hoped that they would offer it to you but these days, you are scared because they might add drugs to make you sleep. They eat all the time and scatter all the food on the floor. They are also the ones who occupy most of the space for storing the luggage.

6. The Happy Honeymooners:
These are the couples typically found travelling to tourist spots and are lost in their own world. Typically, you recognize them by the fact that they are completely lost in themselves and oblivious to the world. The guy has this confident look and the girl always giggles for any reason. You can hear giggles even after asinine statements like 'This train is a vestibule'.

7. The Lower Berther:

This is the annoying guy who has the lower berth while you have the middle one. He takes his own sweet time to finish his food while you wait for lifting the middle berth. He ends up waking late making you sit like a hunch back in the morning.

Conversely, when you have the lower berth, he always seems to sleep early and wake up late!!

8. The Crude Artist:

This guy is usually an artist lost to the world - he draws his "masterpieces" in the toilet with crude lines and even more cruder drawings - usually ends up teaching people about the "birds and the bees".

9. The Off Key Singer:

This person is not really a passenger but one of those people who carry an old harmonium and sing a song very very off-key - the song could be years old but still the singer persists - 'Didi tera devar deewanaaaaaaaa'. Disliked universally because they ask for money.

10. The Dirty Floor Sweeper:
Again not a passenger but promptly comes early in the morning cleaning your compartment with a grubby cloth and keeps touching you. You just pay him money so he can move on..


I am sure there are more that you have seen so do feel free to add characters you have seen….

Top 10 reasons why you should open a FB account

10. You find out what  relatives are doing in life although you don’t really care about them and haven't talked to them in decades.

9. It’s nice to hear other people insult your friends publicly. It’s even more nicer to take an active part in it -  YOU start insult  your friends also .

8. Because you can keep checking and updating Facebook multiple times a day and complain how about your busy life!

7. You can show of your camera skills to everyone so that people become aware you understand things like focal point/aperture/shutter speed etc etc

6. So you can remember people's birthdays and wish them so that your contact with them for that year is taken care! Whew!

5. Because you don’t have a life!

4. It’s so great to beat your friends at some stupid quizzes and games to get that "feel good" factor.

3. It feels nice to ask friends to help out a lost cow in Farmville although you don’t really care about the ones in real life

2. You feel proud to  have 324 friends out of which you vaguely remember 272 of them.

And the number one reason is

1. You can use it to send links to your blog and try to help improve its statistics - like I do! :-)

Comments welcome - below or on my Facebook account - I also don't have a life you see!!

Men will be men

Chapter 1

It was a quiet day at the Manashanthi's office canteen. It was a US holiday (Labor Day) and the maximum happiness was seen in the labour in India. All the employees were sitting around a table and having their lunch...After the usual jokes about the bosses, the talk veered around their colleagues…

Single Idli-Single Vada (as usual taking the lead): I saw Bhagwaan today and he looked as if it was the end of the world. He did not even laugh at my jokes da...Enna acchi? Something must be wrong...Maccha, he is bad for morale..

Ms Fresh Carrot Juice (with sympathy): Poor guy! He must be under stress all because of that stupid wife of his - Bhagyawaan. How she ill-treats him. If only he had married me, I would have kept him very happy! Cho chweet he is, na?

Paneer-Butter-Masala (with a hint of jealousy):"Oye Kudi - let him go. Bugger deserves it...

Single Idli-Single Vada: I wonder what is bothering him...He should drink that juice my wife got from Madurai. I will get it for him tomorrow da.

Nimbu Pani Soda: SISV saar - since you asked, I will tell you the story. I know you are very curious to hear it.

Single Idli-Single Vada: (suddenly realizing the danger) I need to go. I have to call for a meeting to discuss ways of reducing meetings in the office, 

Nimbu Pani Soda (holding Single Idli-Single Vada by the shirt): I can see from the gleam in your eye that your curiosity is increasing. So let me start from the beginning....

Single Idli-Single Vada (with a resigned sigh): Okay. Guess I have no choice I guess. No one accepted my meeting request as usual so let me listen to this...

Nimbu Pani Soda: So this is how it went...

***************************.

We all know that Bhagwaan is a very hen-pecked husband. Between his boss in the office (Dakkan) and his boss at home (Bhagyawaan), he is usually trying to get out of fires most of the time. This time was no exception and only God's grace saved him.

It was just a silly coincidence. There I go, starting somewhere from the middle and not telling you the entire story. Let me track back. Yes, it was all because of that lift (okay okay - Elevator to the "educated" people who have lived in the US of A for more than 2 months). I remember that day very well. The traffic as usual in Bangalore was a parking lot and Bhagwaan was late to his office. There was a meeting with the visiting US leaders and Dakkan wanted Bhagwaan to make slides so that Dakkan could present it as his own.

Bhagwaan ran into the lift, which was luckily empty and pressed 18 (the floor where Dakkan had this nice office). He saw Priya waving at him frantically to hold the lift. Now this Priya was a nosy woman who was a good friend of Bhagyawaan. They were actually class mates in school - the ones who wear those middy skirts and boss over the boys. You know that type - good? Well, she hated Bhagwaan and loved to tell tales to Bhagyawaan. I won’t use the word but it rhymes with witch.  Bhagwaan detested her intensely and quickly pressed the >< buttons to close the lift. The lift as usual took its own sweet time to go up and Bhagwaan decided to catch up on some cricket news on his phone. Ooops! He had left it in his car and had to go down again. Of all the days! He tried to frantically press the buttons but the lift adamantly decided to stop only on the 18th. As the doors opened, magic was created.

There was a very beautiful woman standing in front waiting to go down. Bhagwaan wondered if an Apsara had come down from heaven. She smiled sweetly at Bhagwaan and asked "Is this going down?” Bhagwaan gulped and said "Ugggghh...thhhheppptmmthttttt.” I guess the lady was used to these reactions so was able to translate it to a simple "Yes". She got in and pressed 0. Bhagwaan (as his wont) kept looking at her surreptitiously and drinking her in. The lady must have sensed it because she quickly turned around and Bhagwaan tried to act as if he was on the phone. Now this works well in most cases - unfortunately in this case, it did not - for the simple reason that Bhagwaan left his phone in the car. He grinned sheepishly and the lady smiled knowingly. Bhagwaan was emboldened enough to continue through the journey and for the first time in his life, hoped that the lift will go slowly.

The lift went down to the ground floor, the doors opened; the Apsara walked out (glancing back at him) and in walked her exact opposite - Priya! Priya glared at Bhagwaan for not having held the elevator for her earlier. She saw the glance the Apsara gave Bhagwaan and Bhagwaan salivating and had a very shrewd look.

Bhagwaan immediately realized his folly and was now in a Catch 22 situation. If he went to get his phone, it would look as if he was following the Apsara but if he did not, it would like as if he had deliberately travelled with her in the lift. He decided to stay put and again went back to the 18th with constant snorts coming from the other end of the elevator.

(Editor's note: people might a striking coincidence to an ad made by Imperial Blue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XQ7x7c2hkQ

The ad agency worked in the same building and used this incident to copy the scene - they called it "inspiration". They did change it a bit to say that the guy deliberately did it but we all know it was because he forgot his phone. They even had temerity to choose a model that looked like Bhagwaan)

The day passed, as usual. Bhagwaan made slides for Dakkan who corrected it multiple times for silly reasons. Dakkan presented them finally to the US leaders who praised it effusively. Dakkan absorbed all the praise and forgot to give credit to Bhagwaan (yawn! so what's new?).

At about 6 pm, everyone decided to go to a nearby bar. Now, this was a regular feature and Dakkan used to encourage his team members to go to them for "networking". Bhagwaan had no choice but to go (although he would have preferred to watch The Big Bang Theory at home - that Sheldon - he was so funny!!).

Dakkan was giving him gyaan on how to grow in his career and using clichés like "energize", "lead", "2x2 matrix" :empower" etc. Bhagwaan was acting as if he understood everything by nodding sagely.  Suddenly, there was a nice fragrance in the bar which was unusual and a soft voice nearby said "Hi". 

And Bhagwaan saw a beautiful vision - he had to pinch himself to check if it was a dream. It was not a dream - his Apsara was right beside him....

Chapter 2

Bhagwaan was mesmerized by the fragrance and the voice and turned around. Dakkan realized he had lost his audience and turned around too to know the reason.

Dakkan: "Ah Madhuri - so nice of you to come and join us. Meet Bhagwaan, one of my protégés. Bhagwaan - this is Madhuri who will join our team and work closely with you. Do help her out - ok?"

Bhagwaan could not believe his luck and said "Hupppppgggtttt"

Madhuri (correctly interpreting him): "Hello to you too Bhagwaan"

The rest of the evening was a blur to Bhagwaan. He was so mesmerised by Madhuri that he forgot all about Dakkan and the rest of the colleagues.

Madhuri joined the office and soon ensured that all her work was done by Bhagwaan while all the credit went to her. Priya noticed the connection and slowly the news reached Bhagyawaan. One day Bhagwaan reached home late and walked in to a very icy reception. Priya, Bhagyawaan and his mother in law Saasu Ma were sitting together and it was evident that all of them knew about Madhuri and he was in for a real firing.

Bhagyawaan: So I hear you have been very friendly with Madhuri. Is that true?

Priya: Of course it is true. So much gupshup I see them doing. All the time together. She just likes to attract men. Look at my brother Pramod – he works in such a big company with so many beautiful women and yet he keeps away from girls like this…

(This brother Pramod was a real pain in the butt. He had those clean shaven looks and this very supercilious attitude which made everyone hate him except the women)

Saasu Ma: Hmph! Hmph! (Saasu Ma’s snorts have a wealth of meaning in it)

Bhagwaan silently slinked into his room, knowing he was no match for any of women individually, leave alone together.

He slowly tried to distance himself from Madhuri but she realized his intelligence and latched on to him like a leech. One day, Bhagyawaan announced that she was going to her brother’s house for a week. Bhagwaan was happy since things were not so good at home.

Bhagyawaan left for the airport at 9.15 am. Bhagwaan switched on the TV and watched re runs of his favourite cricketer Laxman making 281 against the Australians. He also got himself two glasses of wine since he did not want to get up again and get a second round.

Suddenly, the bell rang. Bhagwaan opened the door and got the shock of his life. Madhuri was standing at the doorstep in a dress that even Mallika Sherawat would have been ashamed to wear.

Bhagwaan: whtthhthelrdong!!

Madhuri: Hi Bhagwaan. Nice to see you and thanks for inviting me in. I came to pick up those documents you promised me.

Bhagwaan had no choice but to let her in since Mrs Dasgupta (the next door neighbour was watching with glee). Madhuri settled herself in and Bhagwaan went to get the documents. He found them and came out to give it to her. Suddenly there was a gust of wind and the documents flew across the room. He and Madhuri were trying to pick them and then suddenly the door opened and Bhagyawaan walked in at that moment. She saw the two glasses of wine, the two people on the floor and made her own assumptions.

Bhagyawaan: My flight got cancelled and I come rushing home to be with you and THIS is what you are doing?!!!

Bhagwaan saw the look on Bhagyawaan’s face and realized that protesting the innocence would not help. He decided to keep quiet. Madhuri ran away realizing she was no match for Bhagyawaan

Bhagwaan immediately realized only a higher authority can save him so he appealed as usual to Ganesha. Terms and conditions were discussed (Rs 101/- in the temple hundi and 1 coconut).

“Now you know why Bhagwaan looks so down and tense” said Nimbu Pani Soda to Single Idli-Single Vada as he ended the narrative.

Will Bhagwaan get out of this crisis? Or will he finally get out of the clutches of Bhagyawaan? The final part of this story will tell us IF there will be anymore Bhagwaan stories at all.

Chapter 3

(Editor’s name: Nimbu Pani Soda has no knowledge of the following events and hence it is left to the Editor to continue the narrative)

Bhagwaan was in a daze in the following days. While at home, Bhagyawaan and Saasu Ma ensured that they kept passing sarcastic remarks all the time. So much so, that Saasu Ma talked about lawyers, divorce and alimony. Bhagyawaan also did not seem to object to these remarks and Bhagwaan realized that his goose was cooked.

He would escape from home and go to the office. This was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Dakkan made his life miserable in the office too. On top of it, Madhuri seemed to have a new glow in the face and it looked to Bhagwaan as if she was gloating over him. She kept giggling for some reason and Bhagwaan was sure it was directed at him. She continued to take credit for all the work that Bhagwaan had done and was quite nonchalant about it. Bhagwaan had of course worked out terms and conditions with Ganesha and still had unshakable faith in him.  

It was about a month after The Day (as Bhagyawaan described the day she had seen Bhagwaan and Madhuri together). Bhagwaan was ironing his dresses for the next week when the doorbell rang. He went to open it and saw his enemy Priya standing outside with a grumpy look. She glared at him and asked if Bhagyawaan was at home. Bhagwaan could only mumble and nod his head. He called out to Bhagyawaan who came out and smiled when she saw the visitor.

Bhagyawaan: Hi Priya! How are you doing? Hope Bhagwaan has not done any more mischief? (and she glared at Bhagwaan)

Priya: No Bhagyawaan! Not at all! In fact, I came to give you the invitation card for my brother Pramod’s marriage.

Bhagyawaan:  That is wonderful news. Pramod is such a handsome and nice guy. I don’t know why you look so grumpy about it! Given his qualifications, I am sure he would have found someone suitable for him. Who is the lucky girl?

Priya: I dislike the girl intensely but have no choice given that Pramod was so stubborn about it. I always thought he will listen to me but THAT girl has totally got him in his spell. We could have got him the best of girls from our community but he still insists on marrying that witch

Bhagyawaan:  This is shocking, Priya! Who is this girl? Is it someone we know?

Priya: You know the girl. It is that girl – Madhuri! (She almost spat out the name)

There was a sudden silence at this announcement.  Both Bhagyawaan and Bhagwaan were shell shocked – both for different reasons.

Bhagyawaan: How did this happen? How did that girl even get to know Pramod?

Priya: It was all because of her visit to your house last time. If you remember, she ran away from here when you caught her. I did see him waiting for the lift. She apparently went down and saw our pandal in the basement. There was an aarthi going on and she waited to take the blessings from the idol. Pramod was there helping out and was entranced by her apparently. He has been wooing her for the past weeks and now it is finalized. If only she had not seen the pandal, they would have never met.

Now Bhagwaan realized why there was a glow on Madhuri’s face in the past few weeks and why she was giggling most of the time.

Bhagyawaan: What pandal?

Priya: Oh Bhagyawaan! You remember we had the Ganesh pandal in our apartments. The worse thing is they have decided to move to the US. She is going to quit her job soon.

Now Bhagwaan realized what had happened. He had asked help from Ganesha and HE had helped by joining the two people together in HIS presence. This meant

1
                  - Madhuri was out of his life

2                - She would not take credit for his work in the office once she quit

3                - Bhagyawaan could no longer be angry at him since Madhuri was now happily engaged to be married

4                - Priya had to eat crow!

This was one of the happiest days in Bhagwaan’s life. He immediately shouted out a “Whoopee” and ran away from the room! He immediately went to the puja room and ensured that Ganesha’s conditions were fulfilled.

Now, ladies and gentlemen (who are still reading this story), this is how Bhagwaan again escaped by the skin of his teeth thanks to Ganesha’s help.  Will he repeat this again? We are sure he will do it again. As someone said “Men will be men!!!” (Editor’s note: this line was then also copied by Imperial Blue for their ads)

*****************************The End*********************************************

Spo(r)t Fixing!

All of you (I mean the three people who ACTUALLY read my blog) are aware of the spot fixing scandal in the IPL. A lot has been said in the media, name dropping has become rampant and politicians (yes - politicians!!) have asked for strict punishment..A politician asking for punishment against crime is like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black!

However, the BCCI has done some thinking and has actually come out with some innovative ideas - like setting up a fact finding committee (for BCCI - that's innovative!). Our intrepid reporter Bhagwaan managed to get a sneak preview of the report after talking to some of the committee members.Here is an excerpt from the conversation.....

Bhagwaan: I heard you have come out with some great ideas on how to cleanse the sport..Can you give our reader some details?

Member: Of course. We did some in depth studies and came out with some definitive steps. The first one which we will implement immediately for all games, domestic or international , TOWELS will be banned on the ground

B: What? How will that help?
M: The towel started it all and hence its important to get to the root of it..If only Sreesanth had not put the towel, all this would not have happened..

B: But then how will players dry the ball when there is dew?
M: We have thought of that too..we will give them paper towels which will be thrown away after wiping the dew. All the towels will be given by BCCI and will have the sponsor's name printed on it.Of course, we will make money out of it!! Mountain Dew has already agreed to sponsor the towels (chuckles to himself at the pun)

B: That is ridiculous but are there any more actions being planned...
M: Of course!! Going forward, bowlers cannot do stretching for more than 2 seconds. We saw that bowlers used to waste time for the bookies to place bets hence we will cut down the time.
B: Wouldn't that increase injuries to the bowlers?
M: That is not OUR problem..we are here to fix the fixing problem - got it? (chuckles again)

B: Anything else?
M: Of course..we also looked at ensuring that our sponsors are protected..going forward, all sponsor ads will have to be shot separately for each player and then joined together..This way, if any player is involved, we just need to cut him out..Look at Kent RO - poor chaps had to drop the ad altogether...Adobe has agreed to sponsor the joining of the pictures..this way we also make money..we will use their photodukan software..
B:Photoshop?
M: Wahi! Wahi!

B: I am scared to ask - but any more actions?
M: To make some money, we decided that bookies will need to accredited to the BCCI going forward..otherwise they cant bet..

B: That sounds impractical!! But was there a reason for it?
M: Of course!! We thought - if you cant beat them, BET them!!! (again chuckles at his humor)

B: Any more?
M: To make it difficult for betting, we will announce the name of the venue at the last minute. Now no one will know in advance and hence no fixing will happen..

B: That is ludicrous...how will the spectators know then?
M(giving a sheepish grin): We will have a separate committee to figure that out...We also have decided to give the  most stringent punishment to the players who indulge in match fixing..
B: That is great!! Take away all the benefit money?
M: No - stronger than that...
B: Will you ban them for life? 
M: No, no!! Stronger..
B: Put them in jail?
M: No Baba!! These are also simple punishments...we will give them worse - they will have to listen to the commentary by Ravi Shastri AND Laxman Sivaramakrishnan at the SAME time...we all know how grating their commentary can be....once they know this, we believe no cricketer will try to fix matches!!

B(now exasperated): Any more?
M: Yes..even after all this, if any player gets arrested by the police, we have banned the use of using politicians names..we understand Sreesanth mentioned the names of two CMs..this will not be allowed...going forward, the player can use only one name...
B: Of?
M:Our BCCI President of course! He is more powerful than any CM..Even CMs resign during a scandal but our President does not - so it is better to use his name....

Now Bhagwaan had reached the end of his tether and asked the question which all of you have in YOUR mind "Will this help in ANY way to resolve the issue?"

At this point, one member kept his hand on his mouth, one closed his eyes as if in meditation and one kept his cell phone to the ear so that he could not listen..and that image of "not seeing,not hearing and not speaking" describes aptly how the BCCI functions...!!!


*This is a work of fiction but then you know sometimes fiction is close to the truth!!!!