COMA

Don't be misled by the title of this post - no, I am not in a Coma although some people think so after seeing me these days (said people include my boss, my wife and the three stray dogs who bark near my window at night). Nor is this a review of the Robin Cook novel. COMA actually stands for Committee but here I go again - getting ahead of myself. I can never tell a story straight. Deep breath now...ok...here goes...

Not many people are aware that the government in all its wisdom decided to have a group of people from various departments sit once in a month to coordinate their activities. Of course, this decision came after appointing ANOTHER group of people to decide. This group took about 2 years and 7 sub committees to simply state that there needs a monthly meeting between the various state departments of Electricity, Water, Roads & Buildings (R&B) etc. You might think this was a no-brainer - you are right!! Even I knew that and I AM a no-brainer!

Anyway, this committee was called as COMA (Committee for Organizing and Monitoring Actions). As I said, they meet monthly to figure out how they should coordinate all their activities to minimize disruption in our lives. An intrepid insider gave us a verbatim account of how these meetings go..

R&B: Friends, this is to announce that we plan to relay the MG Road in the first week of May.
Water: That's great - we will dig it up in the second week of May then..
Electricity: That's so unfair - the last time, they re-laid the SP road, you dug it up. You did not even give us a chance.
Water: That's not true. Plus we ensure that we dig up the drains too - that way, there is more impact because of the smell.
R&B: Children, Children! Don’t fight. Don’t worry, Electricity - we have been sanctioned 10 crores to relay the road opposite the school. You can dig that in August - when the rains start...
Electricity: 10 crores for that small road? You don’t need 10 crores for such a small road!!
R&B: Who said all 10 crores will go towards the road?

General laughter all around.

Now a new voice piped up - an unusual Man with a Conscience (MaCo) had recently joined the group

MaCo: Since Water is digging up MG Road, can’t Electricity also do their work at the same time? This way, we don’t have to dig up so many times and we can actually save the government money.

More laughter now - everyone was highly amused by this suggestion.

R&B: If we do that, half of our projects will stop and WE will make half the money. Moving on..any more updates?

Electricity: To cut down on electricity costs, streetlights will be switched off between 11 am and 1 pm going forward.
MaCo: But we don’t NEED lights at that time...why are we even switching lights at that time? Is that why I see lights in broad daylight but they are never switched on at night when I actually need them?!!!

More laughter in the room at MaCo's naiveté

R&B: Now that we had our share of laughter, any more business?
Water: We pump water from 6 am to 8 am every day - we need a power cut from 7 am to 8 am so we can cut down our supplies to consumer.
Electricity: That’s a great idea - this way you will cut down your power bills as well as your water needs. We can blame each other so the public never knows the actual truth..
Water: Agreed - great idea!! This COMA thing actually works...

MaCo: But what about the people? They have been promised 2 hours of water!!

Everyone: Who invited this guy? If we went by what people wanted, then we won’t have much of a job and COMA will lead to Death!!

Meeting ends...........

Being in PC's shoes?

In this frame taken from television, Home Minister P Chidambaram gestures as a shoe thrown by a journalist passes by during a press conference in New Delhi on April 7, 2009. Which begs the question - if a politician does not do well, shouldn't he actually get the boot?

FAQs on Indian Elections

Being a person with infinite wisdom, most people flock to me and ask questions on this Great Indian Tamasha aka General Election. Given that the questions keep repeating, I thought it would be pertinent to reach out to a broader audience. Here are some frequently asked questions with my answers.

Q. What are Indian elections?

A. A decision-making process by which a population chooses the worst individuals to hold formal office so that their life becomes worse and the politician’s life better.

Q. Is there a better definition?

A. Elections are the reverse of insurance – in insurance; we spread the losses of the unfortunate few among the fortunate many. In elections, we spread the GAIN of unfortunate many among the fortunate few.

Q. How many parties contest the election?

A. Depends on how much YOU can count up to but simplistically, it’s a Congress, BJP and CP multiplied by the 26 letters of the English alphabet.

Q. How does one become a candidate? Is there a qualifying exam?

A. Allow us first to laugh. No – there is no formal qualification except that you should have certain surnames (last names) which make you eligible. Names will be provided on request if you file an application in quadruplicate attested by a gazetted officer and a bank challan of Rs 252.75 (don’t ask how we came to this odd figure – we just took it out of a hat)

Q. What if I don’t have the surname in the list?

A. Marry someone who already has that surname.

Q. What if I can’t marry someone with that surname?

A. Vote - don’t stand for election.

Q. I don’t belong to any specific party – can I still stand for elections?

A. Yes – you can stand as an Independent. However, the election deposit you lose (which is a certainty) will not be eligible for tax deduction.

Q. How much can I spend on an election? Is there a limit?

A. How many zeroes can you count? Just keep a 9 at the beginning – that is YOUR limit.

Q. I see large crowds for ALL political rallies - does that mean that every politician is popular?

A. That is a very common misconception - most people in rallies come for the free rice and liquor supplied. This has nothing to do with votes.Sometimes, they don't even understand the language spoken by the politician.

Q. Wouldn't that make it expensive?

A. Read the previous question on expenses.

Q. I heard India has a strong middle class with great knowledge – how come the politicians don’t have those attributes?

A. Because the middle class don’t vote.

Q. Can I ask permission from the office to vote on Election Day?

A. We give a holiday so you don’t have to ask permission. However, you can go see a movie if you feel that is more important.

Q. I belong to a political party - I have promised a lot of things to the electorate. What do I do with the manifesto after the elections?

A. You have two options - you can sell it off as waste or recycle them for the next elections.

Q. What happens if I cannot vote on that day?

A. Don’t worry, someone else would have done it for you already. We don’t waste such votes.

Do let me know if you have additional questions and I will be glad to answer them.