10 Commandments to be followed on Indian highways

People who have experienced driving on an Indian highway have numerous stories to tell about their harrowing experience. While it has its own charm of roadside dhabas and scenic beauty yet the entire journey is usually fraught with danger. I recall a few of my American friends who were sworn atheists suddenly turning religious during these trips.

I remember a few months back when I travelled to Chennai from Bangalore. Our driver had decided to demonstrate why he was the next Schumacher (or for the younger generation -the next Vettel) by driving at a very high speed. We almost hit a truck and if luck was not on our side that way, this blog would have stopped a few months back. 

At that exact moment, I had thought to myself - there should be a simple set of rules for driving on Indian highways. So here are my 10 Commandments for driving on Indian Highways (albeit a bit delayed)

10. Thou shall use your horn indiscriminately – that is why they are provided. However, horns need to be blasted based on intention. Short horns indicate that you want the person to move (please note: this doesn’t apply to cows). Long Blasts indicate that you are desperate and know one of you will die today. Also, this shall not apply to speed breakers. For some reason, speed breakers are immune to the horn although some people still give it a try.

9. Thou shall not brake – never ever. Braking is treated as a sign of weakness. When in doubt, look at rule on usage of horns

8. Thou shall take evasive actions only at the last minute. For example, if there is a vehicle coming right in front of you, you shall overtake a vehicle and THEN swerve when the incoming vehicle is just about to hit you.  This way, the passengers get a heart attack and still die (thus achieving your purpose) but they can’t blame YOU.

7. Thou shall not use seat belts especially the driver. They serve no purpose. The only belt that is important is the one for your pants so that they don’t fall down.

6. Thou shall not give way to ANYONE unless that vehicle is bigger than your vehicle. This includes anyone especially pedestrians. 

5. Thou shall not follow the lane system. The lane system is purely for cosmetic purposes like the red signal in Hyderabad – meant only as a suggestion.

4. Thou shall forget that there are indicators in your vehicle. Even if you do remember, ensure you turn the left indicator before you make a right turn. If you don’t, there are chances of confusing the driver behind you and causing a major accident

3. Thou shall overtake always – this is compulsory. This is especially required if another vehicle has overtaken you in which case, it is important for you have to have some pride and overtake THAT bugger. Of course, this can involve risks (as in incoming traffic but then what is the use of the horn?) (See rule on horns)

2. Thou shall always keep to the centre of the road – irrespective of the time, speed, size of vehicle and direction of travel. If needed, you can go to the right side of the road (we must follow the Americans) but NEVER move to the left. That is blasphemy and is condemned

1. In case of an accident, the bigger vehicle is ALWAYS to blame irrespective of whose fault it is…When you have an accident (and you are still alive), look at the other vehicle. If it’s bigger than yours, hold the other driver down until a crowd comes and bashes him up. If your vehicle is bigger, then RUN.

I am sure there are few more out there but I had space for only 10 before the interest of my very few readers ran out….

Top 10 characters you meet on trains

Summer usually makes me nostalgic of times when we actually HAD a summer vacation. It usually meant going to our parent's village and have a much laid back lifestyle at least for a few weeks. One of the best things of the vacation was the actual journey itself - courtesy the Indian Railways second class compartment. To me, this is the best way to know the real India. Here are some familiar characters during the journey

1. The Roving Romeo

This person is typically in the 19 - 25 age range. His first job before boarding the train is to look at the reservation chart and see if he can spot any 'F 19' person on the passenger list. You should see his joy when he sees quite a few girls in the range 19 to 25. You should also see his disappointment when he sees an old woman because Indian Railways decided to change the seats at the last minute. However, he is not defeated. He will twist and turn and try to eye women at least 20 feet away. Even if that does not work, he will saunter into the next three coaches and come back with news to his friends about exact locations.

2. The Inquisitive Indian

Probably the most common of personalities, he is the one who will start a conversation with his neighbour with the ice breaker question 'Aap Mumbai jaa rahen hai?' (Are you going to Mumbai?). This is at the beginning of the journey and by the end of it, knows everything about you and your family, including the name of your dog.

3. The 'My Train - My home' Traveller

This person is the one who has travelled the same route hundreds of times and is comfortable that the train is actually the extension of his home. You can recognize him by the "lungi" he wears as soon as gets on the train. He is also the person who can tell you that the train is late by 2 hours and depress you even more. A close friend of this character is the 'Let’s play Cards' Comrades - usually recognized by playing cards all through the night and loudly analysing each game.

4. The 'Can you exchange seats' Comrade

This is the person who usually tries his charm at exchanging seats with you because you are travelling alone and he has friends in your compartment. His seat would be usually 72 which is near the toilet which we know usually stinks. If you resist, he will mutter some obscenities under his breath about unhelpful passengers.

5. The 'We like Good Food' Family

This is the family which seems to have enormous amounts of food while you are eating the mess that Indian Railways calls as meals. Puris, Aloo Subzi, Achhar, fruits etc. In olden days, you hoped that they would offer it to you but these days, you are scared because they might add drugs to make you sleep. They eat all the time and scatter all the food on the floor. They are also the ones who occupy most of the space for storing the luggage.

6. The Happy Honeymooners:
These are the couples typically found travelling to tourist spots and are lost in their own world. Typically, you recognize them by the fact that they are completely lost in themselves and oblivious to the world. The guy has this confident look and the girl always giggles for any reason. You can hear giggles even after asinine statements like 'This train is a vestibule'.

7. The Lower Berther:

This is the annoying guy who has the lower berth while you have the middle one. He takes his own sweet time to finish his food while you wait for lifting the middle berth. He ends up waking late making you sit like a hunch back in the morning.

Conversely, when you have the lower berth, he always seems to sleep early and wake up late!!

8. The Crude Artist:

This guy is usually an artist lost to the world - he draws his "masterpieces" in the toilet with crude lines and even more cruder drawings - usually ends up teaching people about the "birds and the bees".

9. The Off Key Singer:

This person is not really a passenger but one of those people who carry an old harmonium and sing a song very very off-key - the song could be years old but still the singer persists - 'Didi tera devar deewanaaaaaaaa'. Disliked universally because they ask for money.

10. The Dirty Floor Sweeper:
Again not a passenger but promptly comes early in the morning cleaning your compartment with a grubby cloth and keeps touching you. You just pay him money so he can move on..


I am sure there are more that you have seen so do feel free to add characters you have seen….

Top 10 reasons why you should open a FB account

10. You find out what  relatives are doing in life although you don’t really care about them and haven't talked to them in decades.

9. It’s nice to hear other people insult your friends publicly. It’s even more nicer to take an active part in it -  YOU start insult  your friends also .

8. Because you can keep checking and updating Facebook multiple times a day and complain how about your busy life!

7. You can show of your camera skills to everyone so that people become aware you understand things like focal point/aperture/shutter speed etc etc

6. So you can remember people's birthdays and wish them so that your contact with them for that year is taken care! Whew!

5. Because you don’t have a life!

4. It’s so great to beat your friends at some stupid quizzes and games to get that "feel good" factor.

3. It feels nice to ask friends to help out a lost cow in Farmville although you don’t really care about the ones in real life

2. You feel proud to  have 324 friends out of which you vaguely remember 272 of them.

And the number one reason is

1. You can use it to send links to your blog and try to help improve its statistics - like I do! :-)

Comments welcome - below or on my Facebook account - I also don't have a life you see!!

Men will be men

Chapter 1

It was a quiet day at the Manashanthi's office canteen. It was a US holiday (Labor Day) and the maximum happiness was seen in the labour in India. All the employees were sitting around a table and having their lunch...After the usual jokes about the bosses, the talk veered around their colleagues…

Single Idli-Single Vada (as usual taking the lead): I saw Bhagwaan today and he looked as if it was the end of the world. He did not even laugh at my jokes da...Enna acchi? Something must be wrong...Maccha, he is bad for morale..

Ms Fresh Carrot Juice (with sympathy): Poor guy! He must be under stress all because of that stupid wife of his - Bhagyawaan. How she ill-treats him. If only he had married me, I would have kept him very happy! Cho chweet he is, na?

Paneer-Butter-Masala (with a hint of jealousy):"Oye Kudi - let him go. Bugger deserves it...

Single Idli-Single Vada: I wonder what is bothering him...He should drink that juice my wife got from Madurai. I will get it for him tomorrow da.

Nimbu Pani Soda: SISV saar - since you asked, I will tell you the story. I know you are very curious to hear it.

Single Idli-Single Vada: (suddenly realizing the danger) I need to go. I have to call for a meeting to discuss ways of reducing meetings in the office, 

Nimbu Pani Soda (holding Single Idli-Single Vada by the shirt): I can see from the gleam in your eye that your curiosity is increasing. So let me start from the beginning....

Single Idli-Single Vada (with a resigned sigh): Okay. Guess I have no choice I guess. No one accepted my meeting request as usual so let me listen to this...

Nimbu Pani Soda: So this is how it went...

***************************.

We all know that Bhagwaan is a very hen-pecked husband. Between his boss in the office (Dakkan) and his boss at home (Bhagyawaan), he is usually trying to get out of fires most of the time. This time was no exception and only God's grace saved him.

It was just a silly coincidence. There I go, starting somewhere from the middle and not telling you the entire story. Let me track back. Yes, it was all because of that lift (okay okay - Elevator to the "educated" people who have lived in the US of A for more than 2 months). I remember that day very well. The traffic as usual in Bangalore was a parking lot and Bhagwaan was late to his office. There was a meeting with the visiting US leaders and Dakkan wanted Bhagwaan to make slides so that Dakkan could present it as his own.

Bhagwaan ran into the lift, which was luckily empty and pressed 18 (the floor where Dakkan had this nice office). He saw Priya waving at him frantically to hold the lift. Now this Priya was a nosy woman who was a good friend of Bhagyawaan. They were actually class mates in school - the ones who wear those middy skirts and boss over the boys. You know that type - good? Well, she hated Bhagwaan and loved to tell tales to Bhagyawaan. I won’t use the word but it rhymes with witch.  Bhagwaan detested her intensely and quickly pressed the >< buttons to close the lift. The lift as usual took its own sweet time to go up and Bhagwaan decided to catch up on some cricket news on his phone. Ooops! He had left it in his car and had to go down again. Of all the days! He tried to frantically press the buttons but the lift adamantly decided to stop only on the 18th. As the doors opened, magic was created.

There was a very beautiful woman standing in front waiting to go down. Bhagwaan wondered if an Apsara had come down from heaven. She smiled sweetly at Bhagwaan and asked "Is this going down?” Bhagwaan gulped and said "Ugggghh...thhhheppptmmthttttt.” I guess the lady was used to these reactions so was able to translate it to a simple "Yes". She got in and pressed 0. Bhagwaan (as his wont) kept looking at her surreptitiously and drinking her in. The lady must have sensed it because she quickly turned around and Bhagwaan tried to act as if he was on the phone. Now this works well in most cases - unfortunately in this case, it did not - for the simple reason that Bhagwaan left his phone in the car. He grinned sheepishly and the lady smiled knowingly. Bhagwaan was emboldened enough to continue through the journey and for the first time in his life, hoped that the lift will go slowly.

The lift went down to the ground floor, the doors opened; the Apsara walked out (glancing back at him) and in walked her exact opposite - Priya! Priya glared at Bhagwaan for not having held the elevator for her earlier. She saw the glance the Apsara gave Bhagwaan and Bhagwaan salivating and had a very shrewd look.

Bhagwaan immediately realized his folly and was now in a Catch 22 situation. If he went to get his phone, it would look as if he was following the Apsara but if he did not, it would like as if he had deliberately travelled with her in the lift. He decided to stay put and again went back to the 18th with constant snorts coming from the other end of the elevator.

(Editor's note: people might a striking coincidence to an ad made by Imperial Blue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XQ7x7c2hkQ

The ad agency worked in the same building and used this incident to copy the scene - they called it "inspiration". They did change it a bit to say that the guy deliberately did it but we all know it was because he forgot his phone. They even had temerity to choose a model that looked like Bhagwaan)

The day passed, as usual. Bhagwaan made slides for Dakkan who corrected it multiple times for silly reasons. Dakkan presented them finally to the US leaders who praised it effusively. Dakkan absorbed all the praise and forgot to give credit to Bhagwaan (yawn! so what's new?).

At about 6 pm, everyone decided to go to a nearby bar. Now, this was a regular feature and Dakkan used to encourage his team members to go to them for "networking". Bhagwaan had no choice but to go (although he would have preferred to watch The Big Bang Theory at home - that Sheldon - he was so funny!!).

Dakkan was giving him gyaan on how to grow in his career and using clichés like "energize", "lead", "2x2 matrix" :empower" etc. Bhagwaan was acting as if he understood everything by nodding sagely.  Suddenly, there was a nice fragrance in the bar which was unusual and a soft voice nearby said "Hi". 

And Bhagwaan saw a beautiful vision - he had to pinch himself to check if it was a dream. It was not a dream - his Apsara was right beside him....

Chapter 2

Bhagwaan was mesmerized by the fragrance and the voice and turned around. Dakkan realized he had lost his audience and turned around too to know the reason.

Dakkan: "Ah Madhuri - so nice of you to come and join us. Meet Bhagwaan, one of my protégés. Bhagwaan - this is Madhuri who will join our team and work closely with you. Do help her out - ok?"

Bhagwaan could not believe his luck and said "Hupppppgggtttt"

Madhuri (correctly interpreting him): "Hello to you too Bhagwaan"

The rest of the evening was a blur to Bhagwaan. He was so mesmerised by Madhuri that he forgot all about Dakkan and the rest of the colleagues.

Madhuri joined the office and soon ensured that all her work was done by Bhagwaan while all the credit went to her. Priya noticed the connection and slowly the news reached Bhagyawaan. One day Bhagwaan reached home late and walked in to a very icy reception. Priya, Bhagyawaan and his mother in law Saasu Ma were sitting together and it was evident that all of them knew about Madhuri and he was in for a real firing.

Bhagyawaan: So I hear you have been very friendly with Madhuri. Is that true?

Priya: Of course it is true. So much gupshup I see them doing. All the time together. She just likes to attract men. Look at my brother Pramod – he works in such a big company with so many beautiful women and yet he keeps away from girls like this…

(This brother Pramod was a real pain in the butt. He had those clean shaven looks and this very supercilious attitude which made everyone hate him except the women)

Saasu Ma: Hmph! Hmph! (Saasu Ma’s snorts have a wealth of meaning in it)

Bhagwaan silently slinked into his room, knowing he was no match for any of women individually, leave alone together.

He slowly tried to distance himself from Madhuri but she realized his intelligence and latched on to him like a leech. One day, Bhagyawaan announced that she was going to her brother’s house for a week. Bhagwaan was happy since things were not so good at home.

Bhagyawaan left for the airport at 9.15 am. Bhagwaan switched on the TV and watched re runs of his favourite cricketer Laxman making 281 against the Australians. He also got himself two glasses of wine since he did not want to get up again and get a second round.

Suddenly, the bell rang. Bhagwaan opened the door and got the shock of his life. Madhuri was standing at the doorstep in a dress that even Mallika Sherawat would have been ashamed to wear.

Bhagwaan: whtthhthelrdong!!

Madhuri: Hi Bhagwaan. Nice to see you and thanks for inviting me in. I came to pick up those documents you promised me.

Bhagwaan had no choice but to let her in since Mrs Dasgupta (the next door neighbour was watching with glee). Madhuri settled herself in and Bhagwaan went to get the documents. He found them and came out to give it to her. Suddenly there was a gust of wind and the documents flew across the room. He and Madhuri were trying to pick them and then suddenly the door opened and Bhagyawaan walked in at that moment. She saw the two glasses of wine, the two people on the floor and made her own assumptions.

Bhagyawaan: My flight got cancelled and I come rushing home to be with you and THIS is what you are doing?!!!

Bhagwaan saw the look on Bhagyawaan’s face and realized that protesting the innocence would not help. He decided to keep quiet. Madhuri ran away realizing she was no match for Bhagyawaan

Bhagwaan immediately realized only a higher authority can save him so he appealed as usual to Ganesha. Terms and conditions were discussed (Rs 101/- in the temple hundi and 1 coconut).

“Now you know why Bhagwaan looks so down and tense” said Nimbu Pani Soda to Single Idli-Single Vada as he ended the narrative.

Will Bhagwaan get out of this crisis? Or will he finally get out of the clutches of Bhagyawaan? The final part of this story will tell us IF there will be anymore Bhagwaan stories at all.

Chapter 3

(Editor’s name: Nimbu Pani Soda has no knowledge of the following events and hence it is left to the Editor to continue the narrative)

Bhagwaan was in a daze in the following days. While at home, Bhagyawaan and Saasu Ma ensured that they kept passing sarcastic remarks all the time. So much so, that Saasu Ma talked about lawyers, divorce and alimony. Bhagyawaan also did not seem to object to these remarks and Bhagwaan realized that his goose was cooked.

He would escape from home and go to the office. This was like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Dakkan made his life miserable in the office too. On top of it, Madhuri seemed to have a new glow in the face and it looked to Bhagwaan as if she was gloating over him. She kept giggling for some reason and Bhagwaan was sure it was directed at him. She continued to take credit for all the work that Bhagwaan had done and was quite nonchalant about it. Bhagwaan had of course worked out terms and conditions with Ganesha and still had unshakable faith in him.  

It was about a month after The Day (as Bhagyawaan described the day she had seen Bhagwaan and Madhuri together). Bhagwaan was ironing his dresses for the next week when the doorbell rang. He went to open it and saw his enemy Priya standing outside with a grumpy look. She glared at him and asked if Bhagyawaan was at home. Bhagwaan could only mumble and nod his head. He called out to Bhagyawaan who came out and smiled when she saw the visitor.

Bhagyawaan: Hi Priya! How are you doing? Hope Bhagwaan has not done any more mischief? (and she glared at Bhagwaan)

Priya: No Bhagyawaan! Not at all! In fact, I came to give you the invitation card for my brother Pramod’s marriage.

Bhagyawaan:  That is wonderful news. Pramod is such a handsome and nice guy. I don’t know why you look so grumpy about it! Given his qualifications, I am sure he would have found someone suitable for him. Who is the lucky girl?

Priya: I dislike the girl intensely but have no choice given that Pramod was so stubborn about it. I always thought he will listen to me but THAT girl has totally got him in his spell. We could have got him the best of girls from our community but he still insists on marrying that witch

Bhagyawaan:  This is shocking, Priya! Who is this girl? Is it someone we know?

Priya: You know the girl. It is that girl – Madhuri! (She almost spat out the name)

There was a sudden silence at this announcement.  Both Bhagyawaan and Bhagwaan were shell shocked – both for different reasons.

Bhagyawaan: How did this happen? How did that girl even get to know Pramod?

Priya: It was all because of her visit to your house last time. If you remember, she ran away from here when you caught her. I did see him waiting for the lift. She apparently went down and saw our pandal in the basement. There was an aarthi going on and she waited to take the blessings from the idol. Pramod was there helping out and was entranced by her apparently. He has been wooing her for the past weeks and now it is finalized. If only she had not seen the pandal, they would have never met.

Now Bhagwaan realized why there was a glow on Madhuri’s face in the past few weeks and why she was giggling most of the time.

Bhagyawaan: What pandal?

Priya: Oh Bhagyawaan! You remember we had the Ganesh pandal in our apartments. The worse thing is they have decided to move to the US. She is going to quit her job soon.

Now Bhagwaan realized what had happened. He had asked help from Ganesha and HE had helped by joining the two people together in HIS presence. This meant

1
                  - Madhuri was out of his life

2                - She would not take credit for his work in the office once she quit

3                - Bhagyawaan could no longer be angry at him since Madhuri was now happily engaged to be married

4                - Priya had to eat crow!

This was one of the happiest days in Bhagwaan’s life. He immediately shouted out a “Whoopee” and ran away from the room! He immediately went to the puja room and ensured that Ganesha’s conditions were fulfilled.

Now, ladies and gentlemen (who are still reading this story), this is how Bhagwaan again escaped by the skin of his teeth thanks to Ganesha’s help.  Will he repeat this again? We are sure he will do it again. As someone said “Men will be men!!!” (Editor’s note: this line was then also copied by Imperial Blue for their ads)

*****************************The End*********************************************