Top 10 characters you meet in restaurants

For some reason, I have this bad habit of observing people especially in public places - be it a train station, an airport or a restaurant. Since I had already written about the people on trains, flights, I focused my attention on my favorite topic - food.So here are my Top 10 people you meet in a restaurant normally and my two cents advice on how to handle them...

1.       The Show Off

This one you would definitely know.  You name any dish and he will compare it to something he had in a different city or country for that matter. For example, you like the tandoori chicken and comment on it and he will immediately say “Oh this is nothing. Back home in Dilli, you get the most amazing chicken in Def Col”. He won’t stop there and rave about every food joint in Delhi that he likes and describe each occasion for you. God forbid if you order continental food. He will then talk about who how good the Fusilli sicilliana was in Italy with the Fusilli was tossed with fresh tomato, garlic, fried eggplants, capers, chilli flakes, olive oil, basil, caramelised onions, pecorino and parmesan (oh yeah! HE remembers!!),

My advice: Just pick up pointers from him and use it with other obnoxious friends to show off a bit yourself. You know the old adage – if you can’t beat them, join them!

 2.       The Closed Mind Colleague

This guy is one of the most difficult people to go out for lunch. He is the one who is so set in his ways and food preferences that you can never experiment with food. He knows the entire menu in his preferred restaurant but won’t try anything else anywhere. Try any other cuisine – a different part of the country, different country etc. etc. and he will nix it.

My advice: Best avoided unless you feel like having his preferred type of food on a particular day or he is the last person on earth (whichever comes first)

3.       The Technology Narcissist

This is the easiest person to recognize in the restaurant. This is the guy who comes in with all of you and as soon as he sits down, his cell phone comes out and is put on the table. He will keep checking his phone every few seconds and half listen to your conversation. If someone calls him, he will talk loudly (the restaurant has to hear, isn’t it?) and say "What am I doing now? Nothing important at all”.

My advice:

IF you are a klutz (or even if you are not), feel free to drop some hot coffee on his pants!

4.       The Bindaas Parents

Your worst nightmare!   Don’t take me wrong – I like kids especially babies with cute smiles. But when I see parents who allow their toddlers to run amok, I really get pissed. I know you love your kids and might be amused by their obnoxious behavior but we are NOT! Leave them at home or train them to be better behaved. I would not like my romantic dinner interrupted by infantile shrieking nor get their bodies getting entangled in my legs when I get a hot dish from the buffet.

My advice: Leave immediately if you see such a crowd. You can always order in from the local Chinese restaurant and eat in peace at home.

  

5.       The Wiki’pain’dia

This guy knows everything about anything on the menu. He will tell you exactly what boeuf bourguignon means, the Zomato rating of the restaurant and the wine which can go with each dish. He can also reel of names of all the cheeses found in France.  Although he can be useful sometimes but he never knows when to stop.

My advice: Take him along especially if it’s a new cuisine that you are experimenting but pair him with the Show Off. Between them, they can bore each other for a long time.

6.       The Late Comers

Here is the situation - you find this great happening place in town. You have heard so much about the food and the Page 3 crowd there. You finally get a reservation and reach on time. And THEN, the rest of the party strolls in cheerfully half an hour later, without an apology. By which time, your table has been given away to someone else and you need to wait for another day.

  

My advice: Give the time at least 1 hour before the actual time. As a Plan B, take two inflatable dummies and put them on the chairs just to book the table. People might not even notice!!

7.       The Obnoxious Jerk

 You must have met this one: He will ask for changes in every dish that he orders. “Can you put margarine instead of butter? Can it be done with white sauce instead of red?” This is the kind of guy who will even ask for changes in the McDonald’s menu. God forbid – if the dish is a little bit cold or hot, he will send it back. He will complain loudly that the plates are not clean; the forks are dirty etc. etc. You will squirm in your seat and start to look everywhere hoping that people don’t know you came in together.  

My advice: See if the waiter can give you a different table. If he cannot, better avoid that restaurant from now on – the glares you get while going out would have given you the hint.

8.       The Scrooge

This is guy who is the penny pincher in the group. He is the one who insists that he will pay only for the food HE ATE and not divide equally. “Well – I did not eat non veg plus I had only two drinks and hence I will pay only for that”. He quickly calculates that his share comes to Rs 1482.50 and trusts you to figure out how the rest of the bill will be split. A close cousin is the person who rounds off to the lowest hundred rupees. For example, instead of 1482, he will pay only 1400 and expect you to make up the rest.

My advice: Don’t share his food and ask him to sit on a different table. It saves you a lot of headaches and calculations – things best avoided when you have had 4 drinks.

  

9.       The "I am bad at Math" person

Most often this guy also comes disguised as The Scrooge.  Have you ever been in a situation when everyone pays the “share” and yet you realized you have a Rs 2000 deficit that you have to pay from your own pocket? That is because 6 of them conveniently ignored the taxes and tips while calculating.  They are the ones who tell loudly that the service was bad (even if it wasn't) and why they will never come back to that restaurant.

My advice: Carry a calculator with you everywhere.  Do the math and ask everyone to pay accordingly. If it’s a recurring habit, then just join them and have someone else pay the bill.

 10.   The Hogger

So you order these great dishes, right? The waiter comes in to serve and the dish is passed around and when it reaches you, you only see a little bit of gravy and no chicken pieces. Ever happened to you? Then you have a Hogger in your midst. This is the guy who grabs the dish from the waiter, ensures he gets the best chicken pieces and then reluctantly passes it around. If possible, he will keep the dish near him so he can serve himself when needed.

My advice: Tip the waiter IN ADVANCE. This ensures you get the food first. Plan B – sit beside the hogger. If nothing else, you will be in a better position than being the last one in the food chain literally.

 Feel free to add more to characters that YOU have seen in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you....