Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monsoons et al
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Top 10 reasons why India lost in the T20 World Cup
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I wonder...
...where Harsha Bhogle got that ridiculous hair or hair cut
...why the earth smells so good after the first rains, that you want to eat it
...why women need so many shoes
...how some women never wear the same dress in the entire year
...how a honest politician has become an oxymoron now
...why we (including myself) vote for the same politicians again and again
...why women always get the best mother-in-law
...whether the worst punishment for bigamy is two mothers-in-law
...why men are better chefs than women
...what is the right answer for 'Do I look fat in this dress'?
Too many questions - no real answers!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Pardon - your slip is showing!!!
As the IPL caravan ended and the least expected team won, people can heave a sigh of relief (at least until the next 10 days before the World Cup starts). There were quite a few standout things for me - Gilly and Anil Kumble's captaincy, the way the "old timers" played, the maturity displayed by the younger players and the see-saw battles on the filed. Of course, the cheerleaders helped too in a purely aesthetic sense of course!! As outlined in an earlier post, I find my English vocabulary has been considerably enhanced - DLF means a six while a Citi moment of success can mean just about anything..
But to me, the funniest moments were the abysmal depths to which the quality of commentary have gone down. Except for a Harsha Bhogle possibly , the rest of the commentators looked like a bunch of jokers including the usually suave and insightful Gavaskar (evidence later). I am not sure if it was because the fast paced format of T20 but it was like watching my favorite VVS Laxman try to swat balls in his matches - ugly, lots of efforts but no results. Here are my personal pick of "Dirty Dozen" commentary gems
12, People of India, people of the Rainbow Nation, people of the world, this is the final - Ravi Shastri on May 24, 2009 spelling it out in case you thought this was a warm up match.
11. "It's not going to be easy. Because it's going to be hard." Samir Kochchar shows why he should return back to films but then its not going to easy for him.
10. "The IPL has been extremely well received in the IPL." - Ramiz Raja showing why he is NOT the natural successor to Richie Benaud.
9. "This is in support of children and (long pause) AIDS" - Ravi Shastri pointing that the awareness bands were, in fact, in support of a deadly disease making both Anil Kumble and Gilly very very uneasy.
8."Amit Mishra can spin the ball." - Ramiz Raja makes a shocking revelation. In other news, Shilpa Shetty was still telling Siddarth Trivedi to learn from Amit Mishra on how to spin the ball.
7."This over has been full of action. All this action is sponsored by [pause] our sponsors." - Ramiz Raja discounts the players contributions to the cricketing action. Take a bow - sponsors!
6."Lasith Malinga, Nehru, Abdulla... all with 14." - Robin Jackman keeps the Nehru legacy alive even in the IPL.
5."Two overs remaining. That's 12 balls, folks." - Alistair Campbell just in case you were bad at multiplication or did not know that an over has 6 balls.
4."These are crucial times, the last 10 overs" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan shows how well he has understood this game, after the strategic time out. He might have already told that the first 10 overs were crucial BEFORE the time out.
3."He's got to pick up wickets, he's got to be economical" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan giving Anil Kumble advice , at the beginning of IPL, which the bowler seems to have taken very well.
2. "An Indian would say, 'Usko ullu banaya' He has made him an ullu."- Sunil Gavaskar has made ullu part of the English language as he translated for the non-Hindi audience. Of course, there is a minor fact that some Indians would not know what an "ullu" is anway, especially south of the Vindhyas. People wonder who is the actual "ullu" now!
1. "Sab upar wale ke haath me hai (everything is in God's hand)" Sunil Gavaskar giving us profound wisdom on the fate of teams in the final. Looks like Upar Wala was favouring Gilly on that day or was Sunny referring to Lalit Modi - one never knows!!
So those were MY dozen (or 12 exactly to paraphrase Alistair Campbell) bloomers made on TV. Now I know why they call it the "idiot" box. There were a few more - would be glad to hear from you about your own favorites....Sunday, May 24, 2009
How Bhagwaan got married - Part 2
Bhagwaan has reached a "marriageable" age and hence his relatives are trying to get him married. He meets the office shrew Priyanka at his aunt's house and is horrified to hear from his mother that his marriage with Priyanka is almost "fixed". As usual, Bhagwaan has no unique ideas of his own and leaves it to Ganesha to resolve the crisis...Given the year (1995), terms and conditions are fixed at a reasonable Rs 21/- with Ganesha. Now read on...
The next day Bhagwaan reached the office and got quite a few looks from his colleagues - some were full of pity and some seemed to be laughing at him. He realized that Priyanka must have told the office about the developments. Think of the devil! and there she was..!
Priyanka: Hello Bhagwaan!
Bhagwaan: Ahem!! Er...Hello Hello Hello...
Priyanka: What on earth are you wearing? Blue doesn't suit you at all!
Bhagwaan: What?!!!! Quite a few people have told me that blue suits me very well.
Priyanka: Your blind friends, I suppose? (and she gave him an arched look) Also, I think you need a hair cut. That hair cut looks so stupid on you - I know someone who can fix it.
Bhagwaan: That is my Tom Cruise hair cut yaar!!(Editor's note: This line was picked up by a Hindi movie about 9 years later. Unfortunately, Bhagwaan did not copyright it at that time)
Priyanka gave him a kids-will-be-kids look and walked off towards the boss’s office. As a parting shot she said "And you should stop drinking - it damages your liver as you well know...”
Bhagwaan could see his life flashing in front of his eyes and also his future one...it did not look very pleasant. He knew that his goose was cooked - Priyanka would do exactly as she said and this was even before marriage. God only knows what she would do after marriage...He inspected his imagination - it boggled!!
It was a very pensive Bhagwaan who stuttered through the next few days. The story around the office was that he was running into walls and jumping from his seat at the slightest tap on the shoulder. But then Ganesha had never failed him...However, he repeated his terms and conditions to Ganesha in case HE had forgotten.
The week passed by slowly. Finally Friday came and for Bhagwaan, it was like a Monday - he was dreading each day now. However, he stood in a queue in front of the STD booth as usual at 10.30 pm (rates were cheaper) to call his mother. Finally, he got his chance after a wait of half an hour
Bhagwaan: Hello Ma. How is life? (and in an undertone to himself "Hopefully its good, mine is messed up anyway")
Ma: I am fine, beta. I went to the Siddhi Vinayaka temple in Marredpally and had a dream as soon as I came out...
Bhagwaan realized his mother could take for an hour about her dreams, convinced that they were real but cost him a lot of money...He had no choice but to listen half heartedly..He did not listen to her and kept grunting in between. Suddenly he perked up...
Ma: ...and so beta, that is why you should not marry Priyanka...
Bhagwaan: What? You are asking me NOT to marry Priyanka. But I thought YOU wanted me to marry her.
Ma: You have not been listening at all to my conversation. You have been like from childhood. I was telling you about the dream I had after visiting the Siddhi Vinayaka temple - you know that Ganesha temple near our house - it is similar to the famous one in Bombay.
Bhagwaan: Yes Yes...go on!!
Ma: I dreamt that after your marriage I would be alone in the house since Priyanka would drive me away from you. You have always been my favourite, even though you were dropped on the floor when you were a child. You know, beta, how I trust my dreams. I know it will be a blow to you but I am sure there are other girls around...
Bhagwaan: Of course, Ma!! Anything for you...It will break my heart but I will use QuickFix...
Ma: So nice, beta. And for that, I will allow you to have that ridiculous hair cut - Tom Drive or something...
Bhagwaan: Tom Cruise Ma!! Thanks! Now let me go home and cry..!!
And that’s exactly what Bhagwaan did - he went home and cried in joy!!! Ganesha has again pulled him out of a tough situation. The next Sunday was a Saturday and lets just say Bhagwaan's purse was lighter by Rs 21/-!
PS: In hindsight, maybe the title of this post should have been "How Bhagwaan got married - ALMOST!!"
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
How Bhagwaan got married - Part 1
The year 1995 - a very significant year because that was the year Windows 95 was released in the market. Knowing very well that Windows would occupy more and more of your disk space, there is announcement of the DVD format to store large amounts of data. The year was even more significant because our dear friend Bhagwaan was put up in the matrimonial market place.
Bhagwaan was not a handsome man (by any stretch of imagination!!) but had a great IQ and an even better sense of humor. He did not exactly set the market place on fire but news of his mellow nature reached quite a few women who had daughters of a marriageable age.
He suddenly found vague relatives come up to him and ask probing questions about his job, his salary, and his "habits" during social functions. Although the women felt that they were subtle ("usko kuch pata hi nahin chala!!"), he could easily see through them.
One day, he was "invited" casually for lunch at his aunt's house. He was quite surprised since he rarely got such invites. But having got bored on his own cooking, he decided to go anyway - Maggi noodles does not give much of nutrition whatever the ads say!! He arrived at about 1 and was surprised to see a strange lady opening the door and even more surprised to see her give a broad smile. She looked vaguely familiar - like someone at the office but she looked too old to be working..
"Arre!! Come in, Bhagwaan! So nice to see you" said the S.L. He walked in and saw his aunt with a few other strangers. Everyone seemed to smiling and nudging each other. That's when he saw HER!! He remembered her very well - for all the wrong reasons! Her name was Priya-something and she used to work in his office. She used to constantly fight with everyone but was reputed to be in the boss's good books primarily because she used to go and tell him all the office gossip. She herself was reputed to be bossy and would crack her whip as required. For people familiar with PG Wodehouse, she started where Florence Craye left off..
Bhagwaan was wondering how she was here - maybe she knew one of his cousins. Suddenly his aunt came up and said “Bhagwaan - do you know Priyanka? She is my cousin Renuka's daughter?” and pointed to the S.L. Then it dawned on him - now he knew why the S.L. looked familiar.
His aunt kept going on "You know Priyanka is such a nice girl - she also works in IT in SEEPZ. I am told her boss likes her a lot as well as all her office people because she has such a sweet nature". He glared at Priyanka but was surprised to see a strange look on her face. A look which said "Is this person worth it? Can I mould this person?". He quickly gobbled his lunch and went home.
Later in the evening, he called up home as spoke to his mother. He had to stand in a long line in front of the STD booth to get a chance to call his mother (yeah - the days when there were no mobiles!!!).
His mother said "So how was lunch today? Did you meet Priyanka? How did you like her?"
Bhagwaan spluttered "Priyanka? How do you know her? Why will I like her at all?"
His mother replied "Because we are planning to get you married to her. You have such a dreamy nature and she would take you in hand. You need someone strong in your life and I think she will fit in well. "
Bhagwaan was flabbergasted "What? I do want to marry but I can’t marry Priyanka. She will make my life hell. She is a bossy person and you know very well that I don't like bossy women".
His mother replied "Bhagwaan - don't be a pest. I have heard about Priyanka and I think both of you will make a good couple. No arguments - I have already decided. So there!!!" and she banged the phone down.
Bhagwaan knew his mom well - once she had decided, she would stick to her decision. His father was a mild mannered man and hence did not really oppose her. How will he get out of this mess?
That is when he thought of Ganesha and decided to enlist his help...hopefully he would get out of this mess. Will Ganesha help or will Bhagwaan now become Mr. Priyanka?
To be continued
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Impact of IPL on the Prabhus
10. My son knows more about cities in South Africa now than India.
9. When asked the capital of India, my son said it was Delhi Daredevils.
8.My wife insists that only four members of my side of the family can come to family functions as per rules.
7. We rave, shout and use superlatives like "Super" and "Awesome" about a small home baked birthday cake which is only half a kg with only four people around.
6.Someone at home is leaking out family secrets in a blog called fakeprabhu.blogspot.com.
5.We have named all our dishes with the prefix of the sponsors like DLF Daal , Vodafone Vadas & Cisco Chappathis.
4. My wife serves Biryani in the morning and cereals for lunch, insisting its similar to the strategy of Yusuf Pathan opening the bowling.
3. We have decided to appoint Lalit Modi to head our donation committee for Ganesh Chaturthi this year - we are open if the celebrations are held in a different country.
2. When I come back home on Friday still holding a job, I call it as the "Citi Moment of success".
and the biggest impact has been (drum roll, please)
1. Whenever I and my wife have a fight, we have a 7 1/2 minute "strategic timeout" and I always say "Sorry" in the first minute after it.
Well..I am really happy it comes only once in a year (unless His Highness Modi decrees otherwise) but then who knows...?!!!!
Monday, April 20, 2009
COMA
Don't be misled by the title of this post - no, I am not in a Coma although some people think so after seeing me these days (said people include my boss, my wife and the three stray dogs who bark near my window at night). Nor is this a review of the Robin Cook novel. COMA actually stands for Committee but here I go again - getting ahead of myself. I can never tell a story straight. Deep breath now...ok...here goes...
Not many people are aware that the government in all its wisdom decided to have a group of people from various departments sit once in a month to coordinate their activities. Of course, this decision came after appointing ANOTHER group of people to decide. This group took about 2 years and 7 sub committees to simply state that there needs a monthly meeting between the various state departments of Electricity, Water, Roads & Buildings (R&B) etc. You might think this was a no-brainer - you are right!! Even I knew that and I AM a no-brainer!
Anyway, this committee was called as COMA (Committee for Organizing and Monitoring Actions). As I said, they meet monthly to figure out how they should coordinate all their activities to minimize disruption in our lives. An intrepid insider gave us a verbatim account of how these meetings go..
R&B: Friends, this is to announce that we plan to relay the
Water: That's great - we will dig it up in the second week of May then..
Electricity: That's so unfair - the last time, they re-laid the SP road, you dug it up. You did not even give us a chance.
Water: That's not true. Plus we ensure that we dig up the drains too - that way, there is more impact because of the smell.
R&B: Children, Children! Don’t fight. Don’t worry, Electricity - we have been sanctioned 10 crores to relay the road opposite the school. You can dig that in August - when the rains start...
Electricity: 10 crores for that small road? You don’t need 10 crores for such a small road!!
R&B: Who said all 10 crores will go towards the road?
Now a new voice piped up - an unusual Man with a Conscience (MaCo) had recently joined the group
MaCo: Since Water is digging up
More laughter now - everyone was highly amused by this suggestion.
R&B: If we do that, half of our projects will stop and WE will make half the money. Moving on..any more updates?
Electricity: To cut down on electricity costs, streetlights will be switched off between 11 am and 1 pm going forward.
MaCo: But we don’t NEED lights at that time...why are we even switching lights at that time? Is that why I see lights in broad daylight but they are never switched on at night when I actually need them?!!!
R&B: Now that we had our share of laughter, any more business?
Water: We pump water from 6 am to 8 am every day - we need a power cut from 7 am to 8 am so we can cut down our supplies to consumer.
Electricity: That’s a great idea - this way you will cut down your power bills as well as your water needs. We can blame each other so the public never knows the actual truth..
Water: Agreed - great idea!! This COMA thing actually works...
MaCo: But what about the people? They have been promised 2 hours of water!!
Everyone: Who invited this guy? If we went by what people wanted, then we won’t have much of a job and COMA will lead to Death!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Top 10 ways of recognizing an Indian politician
10. He wears a trade mark khadi dress almost all the time - although he has forgotten the reasons for it.
9. He usually launches a tirade against his political opponents but we all know they are actually good friends in real life
8. He does not have a lot of money (if you read his affidavit while filing his papers). Sometimes, he does not even have a Nano (poor guy!). However, he usually travels with a entourage of Toyota Qualis cars - Tata Sumos are so passe, please!
7. He knows people (or has been) in at least 2 jails.
6. He works only about 80 days in a year - the rest of the days, he takes a well deserved break.
5. He is usually late for all public functions - blame it on the Toyota cars - they are SO slow.
4. He seems to be often misquoted by the press - all CDs of his speeches are "tampered".
3. He raves and rants against different sections of country, based on caste, religion, money, region, language etc. In fact, he professes to love the country while he seems to hate 99% of the people, living in it, based on the above criteria.
2. According to the Guruji theory, the number of voters in his constituency is exactly equal to the amount of dollars he has stashed away in Switzerland.
And the NUMBER 1 way of recognizing him (bang the drums, please)
1. He meets his voters once in 5 years. Meet him this year if you are lucky.
If you know of other ways, please do let me know!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
10 Commandments on being a Dad
In days of yore, a typical father would have packed off his wife to her native village for the delivery. A few months later, he would have got a telegram saying 'Son born mother healthy'. If he was lucky, he would have gone in about 2 weeks to see the child but otherwise would have seen his offspring in about 3 months to get his wife back!! How different is the world today.....
I remember when my first son was born - we were in the US at that time and I was part of the birthing process and expected to do a lot of stuff. When I had my first look at that wrinkled face, my first thought was "Oh my god - he looks so UGLY! Can I return him back?". Unfortunately kids don't come with a warranty so you CANNOT return them. They also do not come with a user manual (I searched!) so you are basically on your own.
In the absence of a user manual, we did the next best thing - searched in Google. No luck - we got this bunch of weird instructions that we could not follow - we were on our own.
When we had the next child (now in India), I was again part of the birthing process and had the same feeling - deja vu I think the French call it. But this time, we did not need or search for a user manual - we basically decided to repeat our earlier mistakes. Based on these two experiences , I think I am qualified to write down my 10 Commandments on being a Dad. Here goes...
1. Thou shalt not offer to change diapers - they SMELL!
2. Thou shalt not be surprised to see various colors of the rainbow on diapers - stool comes in different colors at that age!
3. Thou shalt not covet sleep at nights - if the baby wakes, YOU wake up
4. Thou shalt not ask advice from grandmothers, aunts, mothers or anyone for that matter. They confuse the hell out of you. YOU made the baby, YOU face the music
5. Thou shalt not return a baby because it was ugly when it was born. They do become human like later.
6. Thou shalt not believe when people say that your new born baby is beautiful - they LIE!
7. Thou shalt not believe your mother-in-law when she says that the baby looks exactly like you. SHE lies! Its called politics.
8. Thou shalt not interfere when siblings fight, unless really required. They usually tend to patch up things among themselves without adult interference.
9. Thou shalt sterilize baby bottles, nipples etc in the first month in hot water, keep it under running water the next month and just wipe it on your ars* the third month because its too much to keep sterilizing. For the the second baby, just jump to phase 3.
and the last one
10. Thou shalt take your baby out often (without its mother) to supermarkets, malls etc. Babies are the best chick magnets on earth!
I can see some Dads already nodding (been-there-done-that) and for the rest of you, believe me, that's how it ACTUALLY happens!
Here is hoping this has been helpful. Comments welcome...(use link below)
Being in PC's shoes?
In this frame taken from television, Home Minister P Chidambaram gestures as a shoe thrown by a journalist passes by during a press conference in New Delhi on April 7, 2009. Which begs the question - if a politician does not do well, shouldn't he actually get the boot?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Bosses are a pain in a particular part of the anatomy - Part 2
Dakkan, who is my nomination for the "Worst Boss" award, has just cancelled my vacation so he could go to Singapore for a conference. This has really made Bhagyawaan angry. I have, as usual, left it to Ganesha to handle the situation. Now read on....
Monday morning was gloomy to say the least - I had 4 days left to cancel my tickets but had immense faith in Ganesha since He had never let me down till now but it was not a very happy Bhagwaan who woke up on that dull morning. I had to take an early morning flight to Bangalore on official work - this was when Bangalore and Hyderabad did not have the new spanking airports so when I came out Bangalore airport, it felt that I had gone thru a long train journey in a General Compartment. Dakkan had called in earlier to say that he was not feeling well and hence would not be in for the next few days! He actual words were "sick as a dog". Yeah! Right! I forgot to remind him about my Bangalore trip then said - what the hell!
Anyway, I reached Bangalore, did some hard work to earn my daily bread and went back to the hotel at around 10 pm in the night. I realized that I had to buy something for Baddu and was at a loss for options. It was pretty late in the night so I had no interest to go out and search.
Suddenly, I was watching cartoons and realized that there was shop in the hotel itself selling some stuffed toys. I went down to see if it was still open. Luckily, they were open although Walt Disney would have probably disowned the Mickey Mouse look alike that they were selling. I need a cup of coffee and stepped into the restaurant when I got the surprise and shock of my life!! I saw Dakkan with peering deeply into the eyes of a young lady who was definitely NOT his wife!! For a moment, I thought I had a seen a ghost but realized that it was not a dream. I guess I must have yelped because both suddenly both of them looked were startled and turned towards me. You should have seen the look on Dakkan's face - it was the first time that I saw a look of acute embarrassment and guilt on it. This is how the rest of the conversation went
DAKKAN: Oh Bhagwaan - I did not know you were in Bangalore
I : Ah
DAKKAN: I was just trying to remove this fly from this lady's eye
I: Ah
DAKKAN: It was troubling her - she is just a good friend of mine
I: Ah
DAKKAN: There is nothing going on between us...
ME: Ah!
You must have my notice my wide range of vocabulary in this conversation - pretty nifty, eh? It really made him nervous indeed. Sick as a dog - my left foot!! Now I was really fuming at his lies. This was when he made his last bloomer
DAKKAN: She is like my sister...
This was when the lady in question shot up - she gave him a dirty look that must have frozen him and walked out in a huff. I guess he must have suffered enough and walked out with dignity.
I took the early morning flight on Tuesday and reached office in the afternoon. I went into Dakkan's office - he was on the phone with his wife telling her that he was "stuck" in Bangalore because of some "urgent critical business issues". I could hear a lot of squawking on the phone so I guess it was not a happy party on the other end. I could see Dakkan sweating now and believe me - it was a happy sight!.
After maybe 5 minutes, he hung up and looked at me sheepishly - he had guilt written all over him. He gulped and said
"Ah Bhagwaan - I must congratulate you. You seem to have done a good job on the project - have been hearing a lot of praise from quite a few people".
I gave him my patented "I-know-BS-when-I-hear-it" look.
He tried again "I believe I owe you an explanation. Let me just say that what you saw yesterday will not be repeated again - I hope you wont talk about it to anyone. I have learnt my lesson"
I was about to retort when I realized that for the first time, I saw a semblance of truth in his statement. I guess he had REALLY learnt his lesson well. It was time to be a bigger man - I decided to let it go and was about to walk out...As I was near the door, he spoke again
"Bhagwaan - remember that vacation that you had asked for - well you can take it. I also plan to spend time with family but will be in town so you can take the time off".
I was pleasantly surprised to see his reaction and I could only mutter a thanks. I immediately went to call Bhagyawaan and give her the news. As expected, she was more than happy and said
"Remember that Mickey Mouse that you got for Baddu - he likes it so much. He has actually taken and kept it in the puja room just beside the Ganesha idol".
Then it stuck me about the connection- Mickey Mouse ->mouse->rat->Ganesha..Guess He did hear me - If I had not gone to get that Mickey Mouse, I would not have got my vacation. I need to settle the dues with Him today.
Concluded
Monday, March 30, 2009
Bosses are a pain in a particular part of the anatomy - Part 1
Now where was I? Ah yes - talking about my boss a few years back. This is when I was much younger with just one kid (Badu) and Bhagyawaan. Those were the days when I and Bhagyawaan used to have real conversations like - The movie was really good or Lets make pizzas at home today or Lets not wake up till 11 am.
Nowadays of course, our conversations go like this - Badu has lost his books in school or the tap is leaking or the bank called - they have increased their EMI. In summary, boring and full of ennui. But again, I digress. I must get out of this bad habit..
Coming back to his boss - we used to call him Dakkan. Dakkan was one of the guys who thought that the world revolved around him so most of the conversation had his personal pronoun "I". The side effect of thinking that the w. revolved around h. was that he felt he was the center of it.
His idea of fun was to work late in the night and then come back early in the morning - not him - it was you. He would play golf on a Sunday. What did you say? You are not THAT bad? I knew it.
Well, this happened on a Friday evening - I was just about to go home when Dakkan called me in to his office. I gave him a glare which had no effect. It was like throwing water on a buffalo, come to think of it, he looked like one but again I digress.
"Bhagwaan - remember that vacation of yours? Well, its cancelled. You would need to be here since I am going to a conference in Singapore around the same time. One of us needs to be in office to take charge, if required" - he said these words without a by-your-leave.
I spluttered in rage "What? I had planned it quite some time back - it will be too late to cancel now".
He said "I am sorry" (although he did not look like he was sorry at all, in fact I think I saw a smirk on his face. "This conference invite came up suddenly and of course, someone who could represent the company had to go..."
I guess I had no choice and give the bad news to Bhagyawaan although I shuddered to think of the consequences. Bhagyawaan was looking forward to it from a long time and I knew I would be the target. I WAS the target - she gave me a glare and some choice words which I cannot repeat on this blog. Also, a few kitchen utensils were thrown around - some of them colliding with me.
1 week to go - how was I get out of this mess? If you know me well by now, you would have guessed that I would turn to one person who always helped me - Ganesha. You are right, that's what I did...we discussed our usual terms and conditions and I gave HIM 7 days to get me out of this mess...
To be continued
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
FAQs on Indian Elections
Being a person with infinite wisdom, most people flock to me and ask questions on this Great Indian Tamasha aka General Election. Given that the questions keep repeating, I thought it would be pertinent to reach out to a broader audience. Here are some frequently asked questions with my answers.
Q. What are Indian elections?
A. A decision-making process by which a population chooses the worst individuals to hold formal office so that their life becomes worse and the politician’s life better.
Q. Is there a better definition?
A. Elections are the reverse of insurance – in insurance; we spread the losses of the unfortunate few among the fortunate many. In elections, we spread the GAIN of unfortunate many among the fortunate few.
Q. How many parties contest the election?
A. Depends on how much YOU can count up to but simplistically, it’s a Congress, BJP and CP multiplied by the 26 letters of the English alphabet.
Q. How does one become a candidate? Is there a qualifying exam?
A. Allow us first to laugh. No – there is no formal qualification except that you should have certain surnames (last names) which make you eligible. Names will be provided on request if you file an application in quadruplicate attested by a gazetted officer and a bank challan of Rs 252.75 (don’t ask how we came to this odd figure – we just took it out of a hat)
Q. What if I don’t have the surname in the list?
A. Marry someone who already has that surname.
Q. What if I can’t marry someone with that surname?
A. Vote - don’t stand for election.
Q. I don’t belong to any specific party – can I still stand for elections?
A. Yes – you can stand as an Independent. However, the election deposit you lose (which is a certainty) will not be eligible for tax deduction.
Q. How much can I spend on an election? Is there a limit?
A. How many zeroes can you count? Just keep a 9 at the beginning – that is YOUR limit.
Q. I see large crowds for ALL political rallies - does that mean that every politician is popular?
A. That is a very common misconception - most people in rallies come for the free rice and liquor supplied. This has nothing to do with votes.Sometimes, they don't even understand the language spoken by the politician.
Q. Wouldn't that make it expensive?
A. Read the previous question on expenses.
Q. I heard
A. Because the middle class don’t vote.
Q. Can I ask permission from the office to vote on Election Day?
A. We give a holiday so you don’t have to ask permission. However, you can go see a movie if you feel that is more important.
Q. I belong to a political party - I have promised a lot of things to the electorate. What do I do with the manifesto after the elections?
A. You have two options - you can sell it off as waste or recycle them for the next elections.
Q. What happens if I cannot vote on that day?
A. Don’t worry, someone else would have done it for you already. We don’t waste such votes.
Do let me know if you have additional questions and I will be glad to answer them.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Final Part)!!
5 days to go and no end in sight. The last time I felt like this was when I got married - apparently history repeats itself every 12 years. I then had a brain wave. Yeah yeah - I can see those winks now from all of you reading this blog and know me well - Bhagwaan and a brain wave - ha ha!! - sounds like an oxymoron almost like being happily married. Anyway - I did have one not a tsunami kind of wave but like the a tepid one like the tea I get when Bhagyawaan is angry.
And that's when SHE walked in - Bhagyawaan I mean. Think of the dev.. oops..forget what I was about to say. My brain wave was simple - subtly ask Bhagyawaan what SHE wants. Simple and cunning, eh? So here is how the conversation went
ME: Heh Heh Bhagyawaan - wazzup?
SHE: You are watching too many American movies - what is this "whats up" stuff?
ME: Would you like to go out today?
SHE (with one eyebrow raised): What? Are you OK? Have a fever? You never ask if we can go out..
ME: I'm fine - thought we can drive around Necklace Road today (for the uninitiated Necklace Road is a favourite hangout in Hyderabad for people and mosquitoes with the latter usually winning)
SHE (eyes all lit up): Absolutely!! I would like to go to Necklace (significant pause) Road (in a sotto voce).
ME:
My goose was cooked!! She was expecting it...Ganesha Ganesha - where art thou?!!!!
Suddenly, this mouse brushed my leg and ran away.I was so startled that I almost and upset all the things on my table including a desktop calendar. As I was keeping the stuff back, my eyes fell on the calendar - there were two circles - one for Feb 14th and the other one for Feb 12th.
I knew the one for 14th (my anniversary) but what was 12th? Then it hit me - it was SaasuMa's birthday!! How could I have been such a big fool!! That is when I had my second wave - I ordered a big cake and flowers to be delivered to her on her birthday. I also shopped for a shawl which I knew SaasuMa always wanted. You should have seen the look on her face when she got those gifts - she was in heaven!! More importantly, Bhagyawaan was ecstatic - she could not hide her glee!!
That's when I took a big risk and casually told her "You know what - I know you wanted that necklace but I don't think I can afford it right now".
She replied "You big oaf!! Do you think I wanted a necklace? Is that why you were going around like a hunted rat(sic!) all these days? I would rather see my mother happy than have a necklace. I was actually worried that you would forget Ma's birthday like last year!!".
I felt like what Edison must have felt when his bulb actually burned!! I was so relieved - I took her in my arms and agreed with what the guru says "The best way to a woman's heart is thru her mother". Amen to that!!
And Bhagwaan lived for another day!!
Concluded
PS: I did give Ganesha His Rs 201/- . I mean a deal is a deal and I am sure he sent that mouse to my house...
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 2)!!
SaasuMa has reminded me not-so-subtly about the necklace which Bhagyawaan would "prefer" for our wedding anniversary. With the proverbial wolf around the corner, I have no recourse but to depend on my friend Ganesha and hope He helps me out..now read on..
I woke up the next day feeling feverish after a bad dream. 6 days to go and I had no plans to get out of the situation. It was a complex case for my feeble intellect and no signs of any help from Ganesha till now.....
I decided that I should ask for advice from another self-proclaimed authority on marriage - my old school chum Jai aka BBC aka British Broadcasting Corporation. I don't remember why he was called BBC from school. BBC has been married for 13 years now (one year more than me) and hence an authority. Anyway, I met him and posed the question to him
"Hey BBC - tell me something. If a woman "likes" a thing, does it mean she wants it"?
BBC, the goof that he is, immediately misunderstood "He He!! So who is this new woman in your life and what does she "like"? Does Bhagyawaan know?"
I retorted "No No - its about Bhagyawaan - she "likes" a necklace. Does it mean that I should buy it for her? You know how much she frowns on unnecessary expenses and doesn't really care about material things"
BBC said "Of course, you don't have to buy it for her. Bhagyawaan is not like other women - she understands that you cannot afford it".
I was ecstatic - looks like my problem was solved. A person who was married for 13 long years had stamped his authority!
"You have taken a load of my mind - I was really worried especially with SaasuMa's jibes".
I heard a sudden explosion almost as if a cylinder had exploded and saw BBC on the floor laughing - I heard of ROTFL in chat language but this was the first time, I actually saw it.
BBC said "My dear child - I was being sarcastic. Of course, you have buy it for her. I remember making this mistake a few years back under the same illusion and believe me, the war that went .on made an India-Pak war feel like a small spat. I have never made that same mistake again. Just imagine...".
I took his advice. I inspected my imagination. It boggled! I was back to square one now.
I sent another message to Ganesha - at slightly higher stakes - Rs 201/-. I mean inflation affects everyone, although the news papers predict deflation in India.
I went back home with heavy heart. As I was strolling aimlessly, I met another school mate - a confirmed bachelor and an avowed Socialist. He had this big smile on his face and was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He put a hand on my shoulder and said "Comrade! I feel your pain. I understand you don't have the money to buy a necklace for your wife. This is why I don't like capitalism - if we had followed the Socialism theory, we would have fought to get the wife rice not necklaces".
I was stupefied - how did the news get around so quickly? Was it SaasuMa who had told the world? No, it could not be - she did not know any of my friends. Then I realized that BBC must have spread the news - now I remember why we used to call him BBC. Damn!! His only job was to spread bad news around....
Women - what a sex! As the guru said, "Women - you cant live without them, you cant kill them".
Was this the end for Bhagwaan?
To be continued....
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Marriage anniversary or Just Damn It (Part 1)!!
"Decided what? what-what-what" I stuttered - she always has this effect on me.
"Decided on what to buy for Bhagyawaan" she said.
I was really flummoxed now. "Why should I buy something" I said.
She gritted her teeth - believe me it sounded like that concrete mixer that they use when they construct buildings.
But then I am getting ahead of myself - I keep forgetting you don’t know all these characters. Bhagwaan is my name - a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep my sanity with both Bhagyawaan (my wife of 12 years) and SaasuMa (my mother in law) at home. I also have two kids - Badu (my son) and Chotti (my daughter).
Now that you know all the characters, lets get on with the conversation..
“Because its your wedding anniversary next week. I did not expect you to forget your own wedding anniversary” said SaasuMa, giving her “I know that you are an imbecile” look.
I had actually forgotten - what with the slump in the industry and the subsequent “keep my job” syndrome in the office, I had completely missed it but of course, I could not admit it to her.
“Of course, I remember that Feb 14th is our anniversary. I have already told the florist to send 12 roses” said yours truly.
She sniffed and then snorted - the only woman who could do together in 5 seconds. I should talk to these Limca Records fellows about it but then I digress..
“Have a cold?”
“No..I was thinking about my mistake 12 years back when I married my daughter to you and not Sonu”
“Who is Sonu” I said and then I recalled that SaasuMa was a big fan of the singer Sonu Nigam - apparently she wanted her daughter to marry someone “just like Sonu Nigam”. She kept calling him “Oh so chweet”. I was obviously not up to the mark - although I believe I looked better than Sonu Nigam NOW.
“Anyways!” she replied. “Roses are just symbolic but I know Bhagyawaan has her mind set on that necklace that she saw the other day we went shopping”.
“What necklace?”
“The one with those green and red stones”.
“Oh! THAT one but I am sure she did not want to BUY it. She realized how expensive it was - about 60 grams or so, wasn’t it?”
“60!! More like 88 grams”
Other than giving her a look of “oh death - where is thy sting”, I could not say anything and silently walked out.
Now I was..whats the word I was looking for..starts with a con..contracted? No. consulted..No No…condoled?… confounded!! that’s the word..how was I going to buy a necklace of 88 grams when I was not sure how I could pay the EMI on the house loan I had taken plus my credit card bills. With the current rates of 1500 for a gram, I was looking at a damage of about 132000/-, definitely a big dent on my already precarious finances. My bank manager was already avoiding me when I visited the bank.
Then I remembered - this was when I should call Ganesha - my friend, philosopher and guide. Now Ganesha was not someone all people could see but then every time I called Him, he helped me out. I silently sent out a prayer to him - get me out of this mess on our usual terms and conditions - Rs 101/- in the Hundi box.
(To be continued...)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
A tribute
My dad (or Anna as I call him) was someone who was a good example of the classical "rags to riches" stories or at least "rags to middle class". Born in a small village in Karnataka, he moved to the bad big world of Mumbai (then Bombay) at the age of 14. This was just before Partition and India was in a turbulent state. He was the eldest in the family of 5. My grandfather had a small hotel but there was not much of business and there were always hungry mouths at home.
Anna studied at the local school but did not have the requisite 3 annas - the fees for 3rd standard. Since he was a good student, the school waived his fees. His maternal uncle in Mumbai took him in and encouraged him to continue his studies. This is what amazes me also - the uncle had two kids of his own but still took his nephew and took care of him (that can be another post!) My dad still talks about how difficult it was for a 8th class pass in Kannada medium to write the 10th class exams in English but he had the will and passed the exam.
This was the time he was living in a chawl in Matunga and living conditions were tough which probably helped him. My aunt still says "Your dad was had a lot of guts and actually hit someone who misbehaved with me in a movie theater. We always felt protected". We look at my dad and wonder & smile secretly - finding it hard to believe.
After a long struggle in Mumbai, he got a job in a private bank in Hyderabad, moved here and lived ever since. The bank was nationalized (thanks to one Mrs. Indira Gandhi) but my dad worked long hours as if it was still a private bank. He ended up heading their Vigilance Unit for the state, a honest man in the right role. His knowledge of banking laws was vast and I remember the bank staff coming to our house to study for the officers exam and poor mom had to keep making endless cups of tea for all of them! He never sucked up which probably hampered his career but he remained true to his beliefs.
As the media goes into a frenzy about "Slumdog Millionaire", to me my dad is a prime example of it - someone who moved from a village to the chawls and then to his own house, of which he is very very proud.
To the rest of the world, "Prabhu Saab" (as most people call him) is someone they still remember fondly. To me, Anna remains someone I will ALWAYS be proud of - I see some oh his attributes in me and I hope I continue to do it...
Monday, January 19, 2009
Puns et al - 1
An office colleague was telling me how he chose his wife - he wanted someone who was exactly opposite to him in nature and how he found his ideal mate. He said "My wife complements me a lot". I immediately said "Yeah - my wife also compliments me a lot". (PS: I don't think he got it but then that's a different story).
The better half was once talking about how men rarely compliment each other (as opposed to women who do it but then we know it probably false!!). She said "I have found it rare between two men". I retorted "True - its always rear between two men".