Pardon - your slip is showing!!!

As the IPL caravan ended and the least expected team won, people can heave a sigh of relief (at least until the next 10 days before the World Cup starts). There were quite a few standout things for me - Gilly and Anil Kumble's captaincy, the way the "old timers" played, the maturity displayed by the younger players and the see-saw battles on the filed. Of course, the cheerleaders helped too in a purely aesthetic sense of course!! As outlined in an earlier post, I find my English vocabulary has been considerably enhanced - DLF means a six while a Citi moment of success can mean just about anything..

But to me, the funniest moments were the abysmal depths to which the quality of commentary have gone down. Except for a Harsha Bhogle possibly , the rest of the commentators looked like a bunch of jokers including the usually suave and insightful Gavaskar (evidence later). I am not sure if it was because the fast paced format of T20 but it was like watching my favorite VVS Laxman try to swat balls in his matches - ugly, lots of efforts but no results. Here are my personal pick of "Dirty Dozen" commentary gems

12, People of India, people of the Rainbow Nation, people of the world, this is the final - Ravi Shastri on May 24, 2009 spelling it out in case you thought this was a warm up match.

11. "It's not going to be easy. Because it's going to be hard." Samir Kochchar shows why he should return back to films but then its not going to easy for him.

10. "The IPL has been extremely well received in the IPL." - Ramiz Raja showing why he is NOT the natural successor to Richie Benaud.

9. "This is in support of children and (long pause) AIDS" - Ravi Shastri pointing that the awareness bands were, in fact, in support of a deadly disease making both Anil Kumble and Gilly very very uneasy.

8."Amit Mishra can spin the ball." - Ramiz Raja makes a shocking revelation. In other news, Shilpa Shetty was still telling Siddarth Trivedi to learn from Amit Mishra on how to spin the ball.

7."This over has been full of action. All this action is sponsored by [pause] our sponsors." - Ramiz Raja discounts the players contributions to the cricketing action. Take a bow - sponsors!

6."Lasith Malinga, Nehru, Abdulla... all with 14." - Robin Jackman keeps the Nehru legacy alive even in the IPL.

5."Two overs remaining. That's 12 balls, folks." - Alistair Campbell just in case you were bad at multiplication or did not know that an over has 6 balls.

4."These are crucial times, the last 10 overs" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan shows how well he has understood this game, after the strategic time out. He might have already told that the first 10 overs were crucial BEFORE the time out.

3."He's got to pick up wickets, he's got to be economical" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan giving Anil Kumble advice , at the beginning of IPL, which the bowler seems to have taken very well.

2. "An Indian would say, 'Usko ullu banaya' He has made him an ullu."- Sunil Gavaskar has made ullu part of the English language as he translated for the non-Hindi audience. Of course, there is a minor fact that some Indians would not know what an "ullu" is anway, especially south of the Vindhyas. People wonder who is the actual "ullu" now!

1. "Sab upar wale ke haath me hai (everything is in God's hand)" Sunil Gavaskar giving us profound wisdom on the fate of teams in the final. Looks like Upar Wala was favouring Gilly on that day or was Sunny referring to Lalit Modi - one never knows!!

So those were MY dozen (or 12 exactly to paraphrase Alistair Campbell) bloomers made on TV. Now I know why they call it the "idiot" box. There were a few more - would be glad to hear from you about your own favorites....

How Bhagwaan got married - Part 2

The story so far...


Bhagwaan has reached a "marriageable" age and hence his relatives are trying to get him married. He meets the office shrew Priyanka at his aunt's house and is horrified to hear from his mother that his marriage with Priyanka is almost "fixed". As usual, Bhagwaan has no unique ideas of his own and leaves it to Ganesha to resolve the crisis...Given the year (1995), terms and conditions are fixed at a reasonable Rs 21/- with Ganesha. Now read on...


The next day Bhagwaan reached the office and got quite a few looks from his colleagues - some were full of pity and some seemed to be laughing at him. He realized that Priyanka must have told the office about the developments. Think of the devil! and there she was..!


Priyanka: Hello Bhagwaan!


Bhagwaan: Ahem!! Er...Hello Hello Hello...


Priyanka: What on earth are you wearing? Blue doesn't suit you at all!


Bhagwaan: What?!!!! Quite a few people have told me that blue suits me very well.


Priyanka: Your blind friends, I suppose? (and she gave him an arched look) Also, I think you need a hair cut. That hair cut looks so stupid on you - I know someone who can fix it.


Bhagwaan: That is my Tom Cruise hair cut yaar!!(Editor's note: This line was picked up by a Hindi movie about 9 years later. Unfortunately, Bhagwaan did not copyright it at that time)


Priyanka gave him a kids-will-be-kids look and walked off towards the boss’s office. As a parting shot she said "And you should stop drinking - it damages your liver as you well know...”

Bhagwaan could see his life flashing in front of his eyes and also his future one...it did not look very pleasant. He knew that his goose was cooked - Priyanka would do exactly as she said and this was even before marriage. God only knows what she would do after marriage...He inspected his imagination - it boggled!!


It was a very pensive Bhagwaan who stuttered through the next few days. The story around the office was that he was running into walls and jumping from his seat at the slightest tap on the shoulder. But then Ganesha had never failed him...However, he repeated his terms and conditions to Ganesha in case HE had forgotten.

The week passed by slowly. Finally Friday came and for Bhagwaan, it was like a Monday - he was dreading each day now. However, he stood in a queue in front of the STD booth as usual at 10.30 pm (rates were cheaper) to call his mother. Finally, he got his chance after a wait of half an hour

Bhagwaan: Hello Ma. How is life? (and in an undertone to himself "Hopefully its good, mine is messed up anyway")

Ma: I am fine, beta. I went to the Siddhi Vinayaka temple in Marredpally and had a dream as soon as I came out...

Bhagwaan realized his mother could take for an hour about her dreams, convinced that they were real but cost him a lot of money...He had no choice but to listen half heartedly..He did not listen to her and kept grunting in between. Suddenly he perked up...

Ma: ...and so beta, that is why you should not marry Priyanka...


Bhagwaan: What? You are asking me NOT to marry Priyanka. But I thought YOU wanted me to marry her.


Ma: You have not been listening at all to my conversation. You have been like from childhood. I was telling you about the dream I had after visiting the Siddhi Vinayaka temple - you know that Ganesha temple near our house - it is similar to the famous one in Bombay.


Bhagwaan: Yes Yes...go on!!


Ma: I dreamt that after your marriage I would be alone in the house since Priyanka would drive me away from you. You have always been my favourite, even though you were dropped on the floor when you were a child. You know, beta, how I trust my dreams. I know it will be a blow to you but I am sure there are other girls around...


Bhagwaan: Of course, Ma!! Anything for you...It will break my heart but I will use QuickFix...


Ma: So nice, beta. And for that, I will allow you to have that ridiculous hair cut - Tom Drive or something...


Bhagwaan: Tom Cruise Ma!! Thanks! Now let me go home and cry..!!


And that’s exactly what Bhagwaan did - he went home and cried in joy!!! Ganesha has again pulled him out of a tough situation. The next Sunday was a Saturday and lets just say Bhagwaan's purse was lighter by Rs 21/-!

PS: In hindsight, maybe the title of this post should have been "How Bhagwaan got married - ALMOST!!"

Concluded

How Bhagwaan got married - Part 1

The year 1995 - a very significant year because that was the year Windows 95 was released in the market. Knowing very well that Windows would occupy more and more of your disk space, there is announcement of the DVD format to store large amounts of data. The year was even more significant because our dear friend Bhagwaan was put up in the matrimonial market place.

Bhagwaan was not a handsome man (by any stretch of imagination!!) but had a great IQ and an even better sense of humor. He did not exactly set the market place on fire but news of his mellow nature reached quite a few women who had daughters of a marriageable age.
He suddenly found vague relatives come up to him and ask probing questions about his job, his salary, and his "habits" during social functions. Although the women felt that they were subtle ("usko kuch pata hi nahin chala!!"), he could easily see through them.

One day, he was "invited" casually for lunch at his aunt's house. He was quite surprised since he rarely got such invites. But having got bored on his own cooking, he decided to go anyway - Maggi noodles does not give much of nutrition whatever the ads say!! He arrived at about 1 and was surprised to see a strange lady opening the door and even more surprised to see her give a broad smile. She looked vaguely familiar - like someone at the office but she looked too old to be working..

"Arre!! Come in, Bhagwaan! So nice to see you" said the S.L. He walked in and saw his aunt with a few other strangers. Everyone seemed to smiling and nudging each other. That's when he saw HER!! He remembered her very well - for all the wrong reasons! Her name was Priya-something and she used to work in his office. She used to constantly fight with everyone but was reputed to be in the boss's good books primarily because she used to go and tell him all the office gossip. She herself was reputed to be bossy and would crack her whip as required. For people familiar with PG Wodehouse, she started where Florence Craye left off..

Bhagwaan was wondering how she was here - maybe she knew one of his cousins. Suddenly his aunt came up and said “Bhagwaan - do you know Priyanka? She is my cousin Renuka's daughter?” and pointed to the S.L. Then it dawned on him - now he knew why the S.L. looked familiar.

His aunt kept going on "You know Priyanka is such a nice girl - she also works in IT in SEEPZ. I am told her boss likes her a lot as well as all her office people because she has such a sweet nature". He glared at Priyanka but was surprised to see a strange look on her face. A look which said "Is this person worth it? Can I mould this person?". He quickly gobbled his lunch and went home.

Later in the evening, he called up home as spoke to his mother. He had to stand in a long line in front of the STD booth to get a chance to call his mother (yeah - the days when there were no mobiles!!!).

His mother said "So how was lunch today? Did you meet Priyanka? How did you like her?"

Bhagwaan spluttered "Priyanka? How do you know her? Why will I like her at all?"

His mother replied "Because we are planning to get you married to her. You have such a dreamy nature and she would take you in hand. You need someone strong in your life and I think she will fit in well. "

Bhagwaan was flabbergasted "What? I do want to marry but I can’t marry Priyanka. She will make my life hell. She is a bossy person and you know very well that I don't like bossy women".

His mother replied "Bhagwaan - don't be a pest. I have heard about Priyanka and I think both of you will make a good couple. No arguments - I have already decided. So there!!!" and she banged the phone down.

Bhagwaan knew his mom well - once she had decided, she would stick to her decision. His father was a mild mannered man and hence did not really oppose her. How will he get out of this mess?

That is when he thought of Ganesha and decided to enlist his help...hopefully he would get out of this mess. Will Ganesha help or will Bhagwaan now become Mr. Priyanka?

To be continued

Impact of IPL on the Prabhus

The Better Half recently asked me why I had not written about the most important event in India. When I said that I had already commented about the Indian elections, she gave me one of those did-i-make-a-mistake-marrying-this-guy looks and said "No, you twerp!! I was talking about the IPL". She was absolutely right - I had not written although it had a great impact on us. So here goes...the top 10 ways that IPL had impacted our day to day life.

10. My son knows more about cities in South Africa now than India.

9. When asked the capital of India, my son said it was Delhi Daredevils.

8.My wife insists that only four members of my side of the family can come to family functions as per rules.

7. We rave, shout and use superlatives like "Super" and "Awesome" about a small home baked birthday cake which is only half a kg with only four people around.

6.Someone at home is leaking out family secrets in a blog called fakeprabhu.blogspot.com.

5.We have named all our dishes with the prefix of the sponsors like DLF Daal , Vodafone Vadas & Cisco Chappathis.

4. My wife serves Biryani in the morning and cereals for lunch, insisting its similar to the strategy of Yusuf Pathan opening the bowling.

3. We have decided to appoint Lalit Modi to head our donation committee for Ganesh Chaturthi this year - we are open if the celebrations are held in a different country.

2. When I come back home on Friday still holding a job, I call it as the "Citi Moment of success".

and the biggest impact has been (drum roll, please)

1. Whenever I and my wife have a fight, we have a 7 1/2 minute "strategic timeout" and I always say "Sorry" in the first minute after it.

Well..I am really happy it comes only once in a year (unless His Highness Modi decrees otherwise) but then who knows...?!!!!