Top 10 people I have on my FB list

I have been a fan of FB for quite some time and over a period of time, I have made many friends thanks to it. Most of them are people I know in person and a few I have met virtually. Although FB allows you to categorize your friends into family etc, I have my own 10 ways of categorizing the friends on FB..Here goes...

1.   The Farmville Fanatic:

You know this guy well, don’t you? I can see your head nodding as you read it. Either you ARE one or you know one! He is the one who asks you find his lost cow. In real life, this guy has never seen a farm in real life.

2.   The Tagger Teaser :

 Easy to recognize – he tags you everywhere even in pictures where you are not even present. Sometimes it’s not even a pic but some wishy-washy philosophy

3.   The Mystery Man:

This guy loves to tantalize you by his status. For example, his status can just say “Feeling low” without explaining why. Of course, this will get your attention immediately. But this is where I find that FB is very sexist. If a girl posts the above message, she will immediately get 105 likes and messages like “Awww…”, “So bad..feel for you”, “I am there for you.” Etc etc. If a guy does that, he will be glad if he gets 2 likes (one from himself) and one message saying “Grow up, dude!”

4.  The Living the Vida Loca:

This is the person who is most envied and is the cause of most emotional strife in your life. He is the guy who has updated his check in in fancy hotels all over the world except his home country. He never seems to be at work. Even if he is at work, he is in Hawaii or Caracas not Ahmedabad or Bhubaneswar.

5.  The Linker:

This guy never posts anything original – he only posts links to some random sites with messages like “Check this out…” Best ignored since the sites are usually dubious.

6.   The Prolific Photographer :

Closely related to the Living La Vida Loca guy – this guy posts pictures of exotic places with tag lines like “Loved the bungee jump from Victoria Falls #feelingontop”. However, this group consists of people who post pictures of everything - their cousin’s birthday, their dog’s birthday, his nephew’s first day in school or sometimes 9 pictures of his wife with almost the same expression on her face.  Most status messages say “XXXX has uploaded 102 pictures of his vacation in Venezuela”

            7. The Philosophical Plato:

Closely related to the Linker, this guy seems to be in depression all his life. Hence, the quotes from random philosophers which are about kindness etc. However, this guy never shows any kindness of his own – just the quotes.

            8. The Happy Birthday Logger:

Only found online on his birthday and then disappears from FB for the rest of the year. You realize he just wants to feel happy on his birthday and be proud that 100+ people wished him Happy Birthday with almost the same message.

            9. The Phantom Chatter

The one who says Hi and then total silence even after you respond. You, of course, say Hi to him/her immediately especially if he/she is of the opposite gender. You notice he has read your message after a few weeks and then disappears again to resurface with another Hi in a few months. 

          10. The Stalker Sam:

You know him! The guy who says Hi AS SOON AS you log in. This guy can be a problem especially if a spouse happens to be standing right behind you when you log in.

If you have come to this blog thru my FB link, do let me know if YOU fall into any of the above categories or any other set of people you have noticed in your FB list...

Top 10 characters you meet in restaurants

For some reason, I have this bad habit of observing people especially in public places - be it a train station, an airport or a restaurant. Since I had already written about the people on trains, flights, I focused my attention on my favorite topic - food.So here are my Top 10 people you meet in a restaurant normally and my two cents advice on how to handle them...

1.       The Show Off

This one you would definitely know.  You name any dish and he will compare it to something he had in a different city or country for that matter. For example, you like the tandoori chicken and comment on it and he will immediately say “Oh this is nothing. Back home in Dilli, you get the most amazing chicken in Def Col”. He won’t stop there and rave about every food joint in Delhi that he likes and describe each occasion for you. God forbid if you order continental food. He will then talk about who how good the Fusilli sicilliana was in Italy with the Fusilli was tossed with fresh tomato, garlic, fried eggplants, capers, chilli flakes, olive oil, basil, caramelised onions, pecorino and parmesan (oh yeah! HE remembers!!),

My advice: Just pick up pointers from him and use it with other obnoxious friends to show off a bit yourself. You know the old adage – if you can’t beat them, join them!

 2.       The Closed Mind Colleague

This guy is one of the most difficult people to go out for lunch. He is the one who is so set in his ways and food preferences that you can never experiment with food. He knows the entire menu in his preferred restaurant but won’t try anything else anywhere. Try any other cuisine – a different part of the country, different country etc. etc. and he will nix it.

My advice: Best avoided unless you feel like having his preferred type of food on a particular day or he is the last person on earth (whichever comes first)

3.       The Technology Narcissist

This is the easiest person to recognize in the restaurant. This is the guy who comes in with all of you and as soon as he sits down, his cell phone comes out and is put on the table. He will keep checking his phone every few seconds and half listen to your conversation. If someone calls him, he will talk loudly (the restaurant has to hear, isn’t it?) and say "What am I doing now? Nothing important at all”.

My advice:

IF you are a klutz (or even if you are not), feel free to drop some hot coffee on his pants!

4.       The Bindaas Parents

Your worst nightmare!   Don’t take me wrong – I like kids especially babies with cute smiles. But when I see parents who allow their toddlers to run amok, I really get pissed. I know you love your kids and might be amused by their obnoxious behavior but we are NOT! Leave them at home or train them to be better behaved. I would not like my romantic dinner interrupted by infantile shrieking nor get their bodies getting entangled in my legs when I get a hot dish from the buffet.

My advice: Leave immediately if you see such a crowd. You can always order in from the local Chinese restaurant and eat in peace at home.

  

5.       The Wiki’pain’dia

This guy knows everything about anything on the menu. He will tell you exactly what boeuf bourguignon means, the Zomato rating of the restaurant and the wine which can go with each dish. He can also reel of names of all the cheeses found in France.  Although he can be useful sometimes but he never knows when to stop.

My advice: Take him along especially if it’s a new cuisine that you are experimenting but pair him with the Show Off. Between them, they can bore each other for a long time.

6.       The Late Comers

Here is the situation - you find this great happening place in town. You have heard so much about the food and the Page 3 crowd there. You finally get a reservation and reach on time. And THEN, the rest of the party strolls in cheerfully half an hour later, without an apology. By which time, your table has been given away to someone else and you need to wait for another day.

  

My advice: Give the time at least 1 hour before the actual time. As a Plan B, take two inflatable dummies and put them on the chairs just to book the table. People might not even notice!!

7.       The Obnoxious Jerk

 You must have met this one: He will ask for changes in every dish that he orders. “Can you put margarine instead of butter? Can it be done with white sauce instead of red?” This is the kind of guy who will even ask for changes in the McDonald’s menu. God forbid – if the dish is a little bit cold or hot, he will send it back. He will complain loudly that the plates are not clean; the forks are dirty etc. etc. You will squirm in your seat and start to look everywhere hoping that people don’t know you came in together.  

My advice: See if the waiter can give you a different table. If he cannot, better avoid that restaurant from now on – the glares you get while going out would have given you the hint.

8.       The Scrooge

This is guy who is the penny pincher in the group. He is the one who insists that he will pay only for the food HE ATE and not divide equally. “Well – I did not eat non veg plus I had only two drinks and hence I will pay only for that”. He quickly calculates that his share comes to Rs 1482.50 and trusts you to figure out how the rest of the bill will be split. A close cousin is the person who rounds off to the lowest hundred rupees. For example, instead of 1482, he will pay only 1400 and expect you to make up the rest.

My advice: Don’t share his food and ask him to sit on a different table. It saves you a lot of headaches and calculations – things best avoided when you have had 4 drinks.

  

9.       The "I am bad at Math" person

Most often this guy also comes disguised as The Scrooge.  Have you ever been in a situation when everyone pays the “share” and yet you realized you have a Rs 2000 deficit that you have to pay from your own pocket? That is because 6 of them conveniently ignored the taxes and tips while calculating.  They are the ones who tell loudly that the service was bad (even if it wasn't) and why they will never come back to that restaurant.

My advice: Carry a calculator with you everywhere.  Do the math and ask everyone to pay accordingly. If it’s a recurring habit, then just join them and have someone else pay the bill.

 10.   The Hogger

So you order these great dishes, right? The waiter comes in to serve and the dish is passed around and when it reaches you, you only see a little bit of gravy and no chicken pieces. Ever happened to you? Then you have a Hogger in your midst. This is the guy who grabs the dish from the waiter, ensures he gets the best chicken pieces and then reluctantly passes it around. If possible, he will keep the dish near him so he can serve himself when needed.

My advice: Tip the waiter IN ADVANCE. This ensures you get the food first. Plan B – sit beside the hogger. If nothing else, you will be in a better position than being the last one in the food chain literally.

 Feel free to add more to characters that YOU have seen in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you....

Top 10 Characters you meet on flights

Sometime back, I was in God's Own Country - Kerala for an off site strategy session and had the pleasure of staying in two different resorts. What struck me was the recurring theme in both resorts. While I had gone there thinking of sampling the local cuisine - appams etc. but actually found that the menu offered Paneer Butter Masala and Bhindi Do Pyaaza! Why will a place with such great cuisine make it so banal!! But then I digress - this blog was not about cuisine but something which happened at the airport.

Trivandrum airport (at least the domestic one) reminded me of the old Hyderabad and Bangalore ones - the ones with the yellow board and black letters. The smoking room (as I understand) had space for 3 people only and they were blowing at each other's faces. The kind of airport they used to show in old movies - the hero coming down from the plane wearing a shiny black suit and dark glasses (since he was "phoren returned"). The heroine standing 10 feet away from him waving out - also wearing dark glasses with her hair in a buff at the top - bouffant I think they call it.

 As I looked around, I saw people in suits and nice Kanjeevaram sarees and realized that’s how people normally dressed when they flew in a plane maybe 10 years back. In an earlier article, I had written about typical characters you meet on trains. (The post incidentally was appreciated by all my 7 readers – 4 of whom I had to bribe). I realized that air travel has also changed now - we see a few such "characters". Here are my Top 10 that I that have observed

1.  The "Been There So Many Times" Traveller

This is the person who gives everyone a supercilious look while he gets into the aircraft. You can recognize him by his first act - he presses the button to call the attendant as soon as he sits down and asks for water. The harried girl is trying to get the rest of the passengers to sit down and promises to be get it in a few minutes. She does manage it with a smile. Immediately he asks for a newspaper. She digs out "The Hindu" to be promptly asked for "The Economic Times". In short, this guy is the pain in a part of the anatomy that I can’t mention... Best answer to him is the air hostess from Air India.That Aunty won’t even give him the time of the day! He is also the first one to switch on his mobile as soon as the plane lands!

2.  The First Timer

This one is easily recognized - he is the one who desperately tries to look suave but actually appears gauche...He keenly observes the previous type of traveller to pick up some ideas. A close cousin is the one who calls on his cell phone to relatives talking about his flight even as we are on the runaway.

3.  The Family of Four

This is the family to watch out for - the dad who has been on it before and shows off to his wife and kids. The wife - all decked up - and trying to shush the kids all the time. The kids wearing bright clothes and basically have a great time. They can easily be recognized by the kids who keep pulling the air hostess's dress asking for chips and sandwiches from "Aunty".

4.  The Space Squatter

This is person who is keen on introducing his elbows to your ribs. He sits comfortably in his chair making sure that he gets full value for his seat irrespective of who sits beside him. Both his arms will be on the handles so basically you need to keep one of your hands hanging in the air.God forbid if you are a woman who is squashed in between two of this species!!

5.  The "Everything tastes well in the air" newbie

This is someone we all recognize - since we were one at some point of time. This is the person who basically takes away the things kept in front of him - water bottles, sugar, sauce and even salt and pepper. In fact, one of the more radical ones in this clan is the person who basically wraps up the entire food in the cloth napkin provided and stuffs into his bag.

6.  The "Conference Caucus"

This is the group of office executives who are travelling together for a conference. Easily recognized - they keep moving up and down the aisle, talking loudly about their latest "wins" and how they fooled their customers. This is the group which will soon start playing "Antakshari" on the plane.

7. The "Hindustan Leaver"

Our very own NRI. He is the one who is coming back after a few years and has this fake accent and a very righteous attitude to corruption. Still believes prices were as low as when he left. Usually, ends all sentences with “you know” (To be fair, I was in this category some time back).

  

8. The "Harried Housewife"

Mostly found on international flights, this is the hassled lady with two rambunctious and noisy kids who keep running here and there...She is the one who mostly probably is the one who needs a doctor on board. Her husband is smart enough to have decided to travel later - alone!

9. The "Flight Flirter"

This person is the one who thinks everything is included in his ticket including the air hostess. Usually found preferring the aisle seat and slouching towards the aisle (for obvious reasons)

10. The "Lost in their World" latecomers

This group is the most universally disliked set of people. They are the ones who ignore repeated calls to board the flight and hence delay everyone. They are even more disliked when they have the window seat and hence everyone in the row has to come out so that they can get in…

I am sure there are other types of people whom you have noticed...Do add more as you have seen on your travails.. I mean travels!!