Spo(r)t Fixing!

All of you (I mean the three people who ACTUALLY read my blog) are aware of the spot fixing scandal in the IPL. A lot has been said in the media, name dropping has become rampant and politicians (yes - politicians!!) have asked for strict punishment..A politician asking for punishment against crime is like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black!

However, the BCCI has done some thinking and has actually come out with some innovative ideas - like setting up a fact finding committee (for BCCI - that's innovative!). Our intrepid reporter Bhagwaan managed to get a sneak preview of the report after talking to some of the committee members.Here is an excerpt from the conversation.....

Bhagwaan: I heard you have come out with some great ideas on how to cleanse the sport..Can you give our reader some details?

Member: Of course. We did some in depth studies and came out with some definitive steps. The first one which we will implement immediately for all games, domestic or international , TOWELS will be banned on the ground

B: What? How will that help?
M: The towel started it all and hence its important to get to the root of it..If only Sreesanth had not put the towel, all this would not have happened..

B: But then how will players dry the ball when there is dew?
M: We have thought of that too..we will give them paper towels which will be thrown away after wiping the dew. All the towels will be given by BCCI and will have the sponsor's name printed on it.Of course, we will make money out of it!! Mountain Dew has already agreed to sponsor the towels (chuckles to himself at the pun)

B: That is ridiculous but are there any more actions being planned...
M: Of course!! Going forward, bowlers cannot do stretching for more than 2 seconds. We saw that bowlers used to waste time for the bookies to place bets hence we will cut down the time.
B: Wouldn't that increase injuries to the bowlers?
M: That is not OUR problem..we are here to fix the fixing problem - got it? (chuckles again)

B: Anything else?
M: Of course..we also looked at ensuring that our sponsors are protected..going forward, all sponsor ads will have to be shot separately for each player and then joined together..This way, if any player is involved, we just need to cut him out..Look at Kent RO - poor chaps had to drop the ad altogether...Adobe has agreed to sponsor the joining of the pictures..this way we also make money..we will use their photodukan software..
B:Photoshop?
M: Wahi! Wahi!

B: I am scared to ask - but any more actions?
M: To make some money, we decided that bookies will need to accredited to the BCCI going forward..otherwise they cant bet..

B: That sounds impractical!! But was there a reason for it?
M: Of course!! We thought - if you cant beat them, BET them!!! (again chuckles at his humor)

B: Any more?
M: To make it difficult for betting, we will announce the name of the venue at the last minute. Now no one will know in advance and hence no fixing will happen..

B: That is ludicrous...how will the spectators know then?
M(giving a sheepish grin): We will have a separate committee to figure that out...We also have decided to give the  most stringent punishment to the players who indulge in match fixing..
B: That is great!! Take away all the benefit money?
M: No - stronger than that...
B: Will you ban them for life? 
M: No, no!! Stronger..
B: Put them in jail?
M: No Baba!! These are also simple punishments...we will give them worse - they will have to listen to the commentary by Ravi Shastri AND Laxman Sivaramakrishnan at the SAME time...we all know how grating their commentary can be....once they know this, we believe no cricketer will try to fix matches!!

B(now exasperated): Any more?
M: Yes..even after all this, if any player gets arrested by the police, we have banned the use of using politicians names..we understand Sreesanth mentioned the names of two CMs..this will not be allowed...going forward, the player can use only one name...
B: Of?
M:Our BCCI President of course! He is more powerful than any CM..Even CMs resign during a scandal but our President does not - so it is better to use his name....

Now Bhagwaan had reached the end of his tether and asked the question which all of you have in YOUR mind "Will this help in ANY way to resolve the issue?"

At this point, one member kept his hand on his mouth, one closed his eyes as if in meditation and one kept his cell phone to the ear so that he could not listen..and that image of "not seeing,not hearing and not speaking" describes aptly how the BCCI functions...!!!


*This is a work of fiction but then you know sometimes fiction is close to the truth!!!!

(Re)Vision Test

I know it’s been quite sometime since I came here and I apologize. But then your life would have gone on well without having to come to this site anyway Life has been hectic with bill payments, missed deadlines, cutting vegetables, fighting with neighbors and of course the biggest problem of all - sheer laziness. But then all good things come to an end . Today, I realized that all of this can wait and the world spins anyway. So here I am...

It has been an interesting week till now - I must say. I realized that I need a vision for the future, work wise I mean. I mean what does 2011, 2012 and 2013 look like for my team? Will we do the same that we did in the past or will we actually make this year that clichéd thing - "game changer year"? I realized I need a vision for the future - something like past tense but future perfect. I did the best thing a man could do (no not get drunk like some of you think is the best way). Nope - not read some management book or even "How to Write Vision Statements for Dummies" in that typical yellow cover book. I just went for a simple eye exam - decided I will take it literally.

So I and Better Half (BH) went to the nearest Eye Hospital. Interesting place - these eye hospitals. When we went in at an unearthly time of 9 am on Saturday, there was no one there but suddenly, we saw all these people with eyes bandaged and wearing black glasses in a few minutes. I thought I was the youngest one there. One thing stuck me though - why don't they have ATMs in hospitals? With the kind of money they charge, they need ATMs there with no withdrawal limits. Of course, hospitals also have their fair share of politics too. We saw ophthalmologists not seeing "eye to eye" with each other and optometrists making a "spectacle" of themselves. But then I digress..

The optometrist went through her routine and showed some characters on the screen and asked me to read them. I was about to tell her that those were the exact names I call people when I curse them. But then realized, for her, it was just a set of letters. After a lot of removing glasses and changing them and asking was it better or worse now, she proclaimed proudly that my power had actually come down. Talking about lessened vision!! Of course, I must confess ego was boosted given that I was going against typical behavior of power increasing with age. Of course, said ego was deflated in the next second when she said "Saar, at your age, you need to have regular eye tests and meet the doctor". The doctor, a very nice one, also called me Sir which made it worse given that she was middle aged.

So here came back, Mr. Vision, with a bruised ego, lessened power and no idea of how to get a vision. Next time, I will read those management books...

Some rejected IPL venues

Last year, I had written about the impact of IPL on the Prabhus when it was held in South Africa. Now that IPL is back in India (and half way thru here), you might not be aware that Mr.Modi had actaully consulted other countries before settling for India again..Here are a few of them

Zimbabwe

This would be have been a great place to host the IPL and literally taken new frontiers. However got rejected when Modi realized that the franchise fee amount could not be written on a simple cheque given the million percent rate of inflation. Even the Karbon Kamal (catch to you simple non-IPLians) would need two cheques to write in figures.

Afghanistan
So what if there are terrorists there? Cricket is just a game and Mr. Modi would have ensured world peace by playing the IPL there. However, was rejected finally when His Highness realized that he could not have skimpily dressed cheerleaders - after all, what's IPL without cheerleaders?

China

Maybe the best place to take cricket to - you can almost see Mr. Modi salivating by the amount of TV rights for the world's most populous country (for now, until India beats them). However was rejected when the authorities declared that all balls will be 'Made in China' which means they will need to be changed every over. Mr. Modi actually liked that since it meant more TV ads but wiser counsel prevailed.

USA

The final frontier - rejected however since it meant changing a few rules. Given the differences in driving (right hand vs left hand, light switches - up vs down etc), it would have meant pointing a finger down while giving a batsman out and calling the mid wicket as cover and square leg as point. Too confusing for the umpires.

Pakistan

It was a good choice since cricket sells in Pakistan as much as in India. There are of course a minor irritants likes security but then every time has a bench strength. However, was finally rejected when Modi tried to actually find out who the Board of Cricket in Pakistan was..the board had banned the cricketers while the cricketers had banned the Board. Last heard - the coach was trying to find both..

Now YOU know the real story..

Monsoons et al

Everyone seems to be talking about the M word these days - not Money but Monsoons. With the monsoons playing truant, everyone is tense because of the impact. People have till now blamed the top 5 reasons for anything going wrong - global warming, "fatigue" factor, Pakistan, bad karma and the Opposition party. The PMO office is "keeping an eye" on the monsoon apparently. I asked them what does that exactly mean. The answer "We go out of our office, look at the sky, put our hands out and "see" if it rains. If it does, we go and tell the PM. If not,we repeat it the next day". So much for action..

Talking about the PM, I and the Better Half had out 656th fight today. Yeah, I keep counting - like you don't!! You don't? Oh well - we always do. As soon as we get to 999, we reset the count. Makes it easier..One thing about our fights though - I ALWAYS have the last word - its usually "SORRY". That seems to be always close the fight. Although I admit that there are times that the Better Half has the last word too - she says "SORRY that I married you".

So much for marriage..talking of marriage, remember that old adage that marriage is like going to a restaurant, ordering what you want and then wish you had order what the OTHER person had ordered. You agree? I thought so!! There is newer twist to it - marriage is like a cell phone - every 6 months there is newer and better model out there!!

Going back to more nicer things, there was a news article about how urine can be used to create fuel. Chemist found an electrolytic approach to produce hydrogen from urine - the most abundant waste on Earth - at a fraction of the cost of producing hydrogen from water. Now you have the option of doing two things at the petrol bunk - empty one tank and fill up another. However, I still wonder how they will gather the fuel - do we all stand in line somewhere? I can see the cabinet divided - a certain minister will insist that it should be located in W Bengal while someone else will say that no outsiders will be allowed to use their state's fuel. Imagine a signboard saying "Please piss here - the country needs gas". I can imagine the bumper stickers now "Don't mess with me - I am really PISSED off".

Coffee drinkers also have yet another reason to relish their favourite drink - it can protect against Alzheimer's disease, say researchers. I would have drunk more coffee but I seem to keep forgetting!!

On that note - ta ta and see you in the next post!!

Pardon - your slip is showing!!!

As the IPL caravan ended and the least expected team won, people can heave a sigh of relief (at least until the next 10 days before the World Cup starts). There were quite a few standout things for me - Gilly and Anil Kumble's captaincy, the way the "old timers" played, the maturity displayed by the younger players and the see-saw battles on the filed. Of course, the cheerleaders helped too in a purely aesthetic sense of course!! As outlined in an earlier post, I find my English vocabulary has been considerably enhanced - DLF means a six while a Citi moment of success can mean just about anything..

But to me, the funniest moments were the abysmal depths to which the quality of commentary have gone down. Except for a Harsha Bhogle possibly , the rest of the commentators looked like a bunch of jokers including the usually suave and insightful Gavaskar (evidence later). I am not sure if it was because the fast paced format of T20 but it was like watching my favorite VVS Laxman try to swat balls in his matches - ugly, lots of efforts but no results. Here are my personal pick of "Dirty Dozen" commentary gems

12, People of India, people of the Rainbow Nation, people of the world, this is the final - Ravi Shastri on May 24, 2009 spelling it out in case you thought this was a warm up match.

11. "It's not going to be easy. Because it's going to be hard." Samir Kochchar shows why he should return back to films but then its not going to easy for him.

10. "The IPL has been extremely well received in the IPL." - Ramiz Raja showing why he is NOT the natural successor to Richie Benaud.

9. "This is in support of children and (long pause) AIDS" - Ravi Shastri pointing that the awareness bands were, in fact, in support of a deadly disease making both Anil Kumble and Gilly very very uneasy.

8."Amit Mishra can spin the ball." - Ramiz Raja makes a shocking revelation. In other news, Shilpa Shetty was still telling Siddarth Trivedi to learn from Amit Mishra on how to spin the ball.

7."This over has been full of action. All this action is sponsored by [pause] our sponsors." - Ramiz Raja discounts the players contributions to the cricketing action. Take a bow - sponsors!

6."Lasith Malinga, Nehru, Abdulla... all with 14." - Robin Jackman keeps the Nehru legacy alive even in the IPL.

5."Two overs remaining. That's 12 balls, folks." - Alistair Campbell just in case you were bad at multiplication or did not know that an over has 6 balls.

4."These are crucial times, the last 10 overs" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan shows how well he has understood this game, after the strategic time out. He might have already told that the first 10 overs were crucial BEFORE the time out.

3."He's got to pick up wickets, he's got to be economical" - Laxman Sivaramakrishnan giving Anil Kumble advice , at the beginning of IPL, which the bowler seems to have taken very well.

2. "An Indian would say, 'Usko ullu banaya' He has made him an ullu."- Sunil Gavaskar has made ullu part of the English language as he translated for the non-Hindi audience. Of course, there is a minor fact that some Indians would not know what an "ullu" is anway, especially south of the Vindhyas. People wonder who is the actual "ullu" now!

1. "Sab upar wale ke haath me hai (everything is in God's hand)" Sunil Gavaskar giving us profound wisdom on the fate of teams in the final. Looks like Upar Wala was favouring Gilly on that day or was Sunny referring to Lalit Modi - one never knows!!

So those were MY dozen (or 12 exactly to paraphrase Alistair Campbell) bloomers made on TV. Now I know why they call it the "idiot" box. There were a few more - would be glad to hear from you about your own favorites....