Being a person with infinite wisdom, most people flock to me and ask questions on this Great Indian Tamasha aka General Election. Given that the questions keep repeating, I thought it would be pertinent to reach out to a broader audience. Here are some frequently asked questions with my answers.
Q. What are Indian elections?
A. A decision-making process by which a population chooses the worst individuals to hold formal office so that their life becomes worse and the politician’s life better.
Q. Is there a better definition?
A. Elections are the reverse of insurance – in insurance; we spread the losses of the unfortunate few among the fortunate many. In elections, we spread the GAIN of unfortunate many among the fortunate few.
Q. How many parties contest the election?
A. Depends on how much YOU can count up to but simplistically, it’s a Congress, BJP and CP multiplied by the 26 letters of the English alphabet.
Q. How does one become a candidate? Is there a qualifying exam?
A. Allow us first to laugh. No – there is no formal qualification except that you should have certain surnames (last names) which make you eligible. Names will be provided on request if you file an application in quadruplicate attested by a gazetted officer and a bank challan of Rs 252.75 (don’t ask how we came to this odd figure – we just took it out of a hat)
Q. What if I don’t have the surname in the list?
A. Marry someone who already has that surname.
Q. What if I can’t marry someone with that surname?
A. Vote - don’t stand for election.
Q. I don’t belong to any specific party – can I still stand for elections?
A. Yes – you can stand as an Independent. However, the election deposit you lose (which is a certainty) will not be eligible for tax deduction.
Q. How much can I spend on an election? Is there a limit?
A. How many zeroes can you count? Just keep a 9 at the beginning – that is YOUR limit.
Q. I see large crowds for ALL political rallies - does that mean that every politician is popular?
A. That is a very common misconception - most people in rallies come for the free rice and liquor supplied. This has nothing to do with votes.Sometimes, they don't even understand the language spoken by the politician.
Q. Wouldn't that make it expensive?
A. Read the previous question on expenses.
Q. I heard
A. Because the middle class don’t vote.
Q. Can I ask permission from the office to vote on Election Day?
A. We give a holiday so you don’t have to ask permission. However, you can go see a movie if you feel that is more important.
Q. I belong to a political party - I have promised a lot of things to the electorate. What do I do with the manifesto after the elections?
A. You have two options - you can sell it off as waste or recycle them for the next elections.
Q. What happens if I cannot vote on that day?
A. Don’t worry, someone else would have done it for you already. We don’t waste such votes.
Do let me know if you have additional questions and I will be glad to answer them.
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