Bhagwaan and the "surprise gift" - Part 2

The story so far...

Bhagwaan has been asked by Bhagyawaan to buy her a "surprise" gift of more than 12 lakhs since Priya has been gifted a diamond necklace by her husband J. He is now travelling to Bangalore to buy it from the same jeweler on MG Road. The problem is that Bhagwaan has no money but does not have the guts to tell his bitter..sorry..better half..Now read on

After a sleepless night on the train, Bhagwaan finally reached Yeshwantpur at about 9 am in the morning. The train was late as usual. The only good thing was the pleasant weather in Bangalore. He caught an auto to go to his friend's house in Sahakaranagar (after the usual haggling & arguments over "50 rupees extra" which he lost). One he reached his friend's house, he had his bath and breakfast. He decided to visit the jewelry shop to see if he can get something for a bargain.

Suddenly, he heard a ring of the temple bell as he was walking outside - it suddenly stuck him. His friend  Ganesha! He had helped out in the past and Bhagwaan had completely forgotten about him. He went inside the temple and prayed to him with the usual terms and conditions (Rs 101/- and coconuts/banana). Feeling a bit more relieved, he walked towards the auto stand to get an auto to go to MG Road.As usual, the auto drivers were sitting around playing cards ignoring the customers. He hesitantly asked them if they could please take him to MG Road. A couple of them were nice enough and said they were going to Yelahanka and could deign to take him there, if he wanted. Finally, one of them took pity on him and said he will take him (wont get passenger from there Saar - hence one and half times of meter Saar!).

He reached MG Road and entered the jewelry shop. A beautiful young lady did a namaskar to him and asked him if he wanted coffee/tea/fruit juice. They promptly took him to the necklace section. The glittering lights and ambiance made the necklaces shine brighter than what they actually were..He liked one and pointed it to the salesman. He was pleasantly surprised to see that the price was very reasonable and he could actually afford it. The pleasure was short lived when the salesman said "That Saar is the making charges which is 10% of the total charges". He realized that he had no hope and Ganesha was his only resort. He quickly slipped away from the shop. As he was going out, there seemed to some sort of commotion near the entrance. He thought there must be some film shooting going on since some actors were dressed like cops. He quickly went back to his friend's house, again paying 1.5 times the meter fare (no passengers getting from that side Saar!).

Bhagwaan took the train back to Hyderabad (with the usual berth exchange with an old man who said he could not climb up to the upper berth). He reached home riding home an auto of a ruffian who seemed to double up as a auto driver.

He reached home prepared for the worst. As he entered the house, he saw Priya and J in the house with Bhagyawaan. What was most unusual was that Priya was crying and J was trying to console her and Priya was actually blasting off J. He was dumbfounded to see the scene. Slowly, he understood what had transpired. Apparently, the necklace gifted by J which was shining brightly at the beginning was slowly losing its color and now looked more like silver in color. The necklace was fake! 

Bhagyawaan asked him "Did you buy my necklace? I hope you did not because I understand the shop was selling fake jewellery and was raided by the police yesterday"

Bhagwaan (quickly recovering): "Oh yes. The minute I saw the necklace, I realized it was a fake. Only a trained eye can easily make out the difference and only fools will make a mistake" (giving a meaningful glance to J).

Bhagyawaan was so thrilled by his intellect and let me just close the curtains on the scenes afterwards since some kids occasionally come to my blog!

The next day, Bhagwaan woke up feeling relaxed and stress free after quite a few days. He glanced at the news paper and here is what he saw

He had a second look - Ganesh Gowda, Vignesh! Then it stuck him - his prayers to Ganesha had been answered! He thanked Ganesha again for pulling him out of a major crisis again. Of course, he will ensure that the agreed terms and conditions will be met.

He went back to his emails to check if that widow had transferred her husband's fortune to him but alas....!!

Bhagwaan and the "surprise gift" - Part 1

It was a very despondent Bhagwaan standing at the Secunderabad Railway Station waiting for the Garib Rath to take him to Bangalore. For once, I will ensure that I do not start from the middle and have you wonder - who is this Bhagwaan and why is he taking a train? Here is the background

Bhagwaan is  a middle aged (read old)  IT professional trying desperately to keep his sanity with Bhagyawaan (his wife of 18 years) He has two kids - Badu (his son of 14 going on 10) and Choti (his daughter of 9 going on 18).  There – I made a good start…

Yes – I have still not answered the second part of the question. If you are one of the three readers who actually read my blog, you might remember Bhagyawaan’s elder sister – Priya from an earlier story. She is the HR manager of a large organization and always seems to be appraising people. She is the one who makes evil Catbert (from the Dilbert series) look like a saint. Priya had married another HR professional who went by an unusual name of J. J seems to have gone up the corporate escalator and was now the HR Director of a large MNC. Now modesty and J did not go together. He ensured that he let everyone know (especially Bhagwaan) about his wealth and lifestyle. J had recently bought a diamond necklace worth 12 lakhs from a famous jeweler in Bangalore as a surprise gift for his wife. Priya was ecstatic & had spent no time in bragging about it thus ensuring that Bhagyawaan was bitten by the green eyed monster. Bhagyawaan immediately asked Bhagwaan to buy her a more expensive necklace from the same shop in Bangalore in a show of one-upmanship. Hence, Bhagwaan was travelling to Bangalore to do as he was bidden. See – we got that all straightened out, isn’t it?

Now you might still ask – why despondent? There are two reasons – 1) I wanted to show off my knowledge of English by using words that I had never heard before 2) Recently, Bhagwaan had lent some money to a widow (based on an email) whose husband had left a large fortune apparently but she needed some money first to transfer the money to Bhagwaan. Bhagwaan empathized with her situation and had promptly given the money. He had not heard from her from a long time and hence was quite broke. Given that background, he could not even tell the truth to Bhagyawaan.

Good – we got all of that sorted out. Bhagyawaan had come to the station and was giving him precise details on the kind of necklace she wanted to be “gifted”. Bhagwaan was half listening and hence was looking around the bustling Railway Station. Now I am not sure if you have seen the normal scene which you will find in most Indian stations. Let me give you a glimpse of some of typical things you will see...

·   A stray dog was moving around as if he owned the station. He was eyeing a small poodle who had come to the station with her owner. The poodle was also eyeing him surreptitiously – she might be French and pedigreed but a handsome man is a man!

·   A porter was sitting on his haunches, smoking a bidi (ignoring the No Smoking sign) and intermittently scratching his groin

·   A boy of around 20 looking at the reservation charts to see if there was girl of his age in the compartment. His face glowed when it showed that Vanisri F 19 on seat number 62. He was of course disappointed when he saw a lady of 55 on the seat (since Vanisri had already eloped with her boyfriend and hence did not turn up).

·   His friend who was pretending to look at the books of Vivekananda in the book stall but was actually eyeing some sleazy literature and trying to gather up courage to buy it.

·   A big family seeing off a nervous but excited kid who was going to Saudi Arabia for a job. He was wearing a tight suit in the Hyderabad heat and sweating profusely. He was surrounded by a group of crying women who were giving him advice while hugging him.

·   A loudspeaker announcement which came on intermittently to announce the arrival and departure of trains. Unfortunately, none of the announcements helped since the actual platform number could never be deciphered.

·   A leak in the roof led to a dripping of water of unknown sources to form a puddle on the ground

·   A beggar who was sleeping on the floor and woke up whenever he felt he could ask someone for money. Otherwise, he was playing games on his smart phone

·   A family of four where the kids were running around everywhere ignoring the threats and shouts of the parents

·   A newly married couple who were lost in each other and oblivious to the rest of the world

Hopefully, that gave you an idea of what Bhagwaan was seeing while Bhagyawaan kept rattling away. Finally, the green signal was given and Bhagwaan got into the train having promptly forgotten all of Bhagyawaan’s instructions. He sat on his seat and looked around at his co passengers.

Now passengers on Indian trains come in different varieties (for the Top 10 of them read this post). Bhagwaan was happy since he preferred a lower berth and had actually got it. In a few minutes, the newly married couple approached him. The girl with a sweet smile on her face asked “Uncle – can you exchange your berth with us?”  The husband stood in the background realizing that the bride was better at such negotiations. Bhagwaan always had a softer side to him and promptly agreed (although the Uncle piece of it rankled him). He regretted it when he saw it was the middle one of the side berths very near the toilets. Now, every time someone opened the door, the stink of urine would reach his nostrils.

He did not get much sleep that day wondering how he could manage to a buy the necklace when he had no money.

Will Bhagwaan come out of this predicament? Will he take help from his friend Ganesha? Or will it be the end of the Bhagwaan stories? Watch this space for the concluding part….

Top 10 people I have on my FB list

I have been a fan of FB for quite some time and over a period of time, I have made many friends thanks to it. Most of them are people I know in person and a few I have met virtually. Although FB allows you to categorize your friends into family etc, I have my own 10 ways of categorizing the friends on FB..Here goes...

1.   The Farmville Fanatic:

You know this guy well, don’t you? I can see your head nodding as you read it. Either you ARE one or you know one! He is the one who asks you find his lost cow. In real life, this guy has never seen a farm in real life.

2.   The Tagger Teaser :

 Easy to recognize – he tags you everywhere even in pictures where you are not even present. Sometimes it’s not even a pic but some wishy-washy philosophy

3.   The Mystery Man:

This guy loves to tantalize you by his status. For example, his status can just say “Feeling low” without explaining why. Of course, this will get your attention immediately. But this is where I find that FB is very sexist. If a girl posts the above message, she will immediately get 105 likes and messages like “Awww…”, “So bad..feel for you”, “I am there for you.” Etc etc. If a guy does that, he will be glad if he gets 2 likes (one from himself) and one message saying “Grow up, dude!”

4.  The Living the Vida Loca:

This is the person who is most envied and is the cause of most emotional strife in your life. He is the guy who has updated his check in in fancy hotels all over the world except his home country. He never seems to be at work. Even if he is at work, he is in Hawaii or Caracas not Ahmedabad or Bhubaneswar.

5.  The Linker:

This guy never posts anything original – he only posts links to some random sites with messages like “Check this out…” Best ignored since the sites are usually dubious.

6.   The Prolific Photographer :

Closely related to the Living La Vida Loca guy – this guy posts pictures of exotic places with tag lines like “Loved the bungee jump from Victoria Falls #feelingontop”. However, this group consists of people who post pictures of everything - their cousin’s birthday, their dog’s birthday, his nephew’s first day in school or sometimes 9 pictures of his wife with almost the same expression on her face.  Most status messages say “XXXX has uploaded 102 pictures of his vacation in Venezuela”

            7. The Philosophical Plato:

Closely related to the Linker, this guy seems to be in depression all his life. Hence, the quotes from random philosophers which are about kindness etc. However, this guy never shows any kindness of his own – just the quotes.

            8. The Happy Birthday Logger:

Only found online on his birthday and then disappears from FB for the rest of the year. You realize he just wants to feel happy on his birthday and be proud that 100+ people wished him Happy Birthday with almost the same message.

            9. The Phantom Chatter

The one who says Hi and then total silence even after you respond. You, of course, say Hi to him/her immediately especially if he/she is of the opposite gender. You notice he has read your message after a few weeks and then disappears again to resurface with another Hi in a few months. 

          10. The Stalker Sam:

You know him! The guy who says Hi AS SOON AS you log in. This guy can be a problem especially if a spouse happens to be standing right behind you when you log in.

If you have come to this blog thru my FB link, do let me know if YOU fall into any of the above categories or any other set of people you have noticed in your FB list...

Top 10 characters you meet in restaurants

For some reason, I have this bad habit of observing people especially in public places - be it a train station, an airport or a restaurant. Since I had already written about the people on trains, flights, I focused my attention on my favorite topic - food.So here are my Top 10 people you meet in a restaurant normally and my two cents advice on how to handle them...

1.       The Show Off

This one you would definitely know.  You name any dish and he will compare it to something he had in a different city or country for that matter. For example, you like the tandoori chicken and comment on it and he will immediately say “Oh this is nothing. Back home in Dilli, you get the most amazing chicken in Def Col”. He won’t stop there and rave about every food joint in Delhi that he likes and describe each occasion for you. God forbid if you order continental food. He will then talk about who how good the Fusilli sicilliana was in Italy with the Fusilli was tossed with fresh tomato, garlic, fried eggplants, capers, chilli flakes, olive oil, basil, caramelised onions, pecorino and parmesan (oh yeah! HE remembers!!),

My advice: Just pick up pointers from him and use it with other obnoxious friends to show off a bit yourself. You know the old adage – if you can’t beat them, join them!

 2.       The Closed Mind Colleague

This guy is one of the most difficult people to go out for lunch. He is the one who is so set in his ways and food preferences that you can never experiment with food. He knows the entire menu in his preferred restaurant but won’t try anything else anywhere. Try any other cuisine – a different part of the country, different country etc. etc. and he will nix it.

My advice: Best avoided unless you feel like having his preferred type of food on a particular day or he is the last person on earth (whichever comes first)

3.       The Technology Narcissist

This is the easiest person to recognize in the restaurant. This is the guy who comes in with all of you and as soon as he sits down, his cell phone comes out and is put on the table. He will keep checking his phone every few seconds and half listen to your conversation. If someone calls him, he will talk loudly (the restaurant has to hear, isn’t it?) and say "What am I doing now? Nothing important at all”.

My advice:

IF you are a klutz (or even if you are not), feel free to drop some hot coffee on his pants!

4.       The Bindaas Parents

Your worst nightmare!   Don’t take me wrong – I like kids especially babies with cute smiles. But when I see parents who allow their toddlers to run amok, I really get pissed. I know you love your kids and might be amused by their obnoxious behavior but we are NOT! Leave them at home or train them to be better behaved. I would not like my romantic dinner interrupted by infantile shrieking nor get their bodies getting entangled in my legs when I get a hot dish from the buffet.

My advice: Leave immediately if you see such a crowd. You can always order in from the local Chinese restaurant and eat in peace at home.

  

5.       The Wiki’pain’dia

This guy knows everything about anything on the menu. He will tell you exactly what boeuf bourguignon means, the Zomato rating of the restaurant and the wine which can go with each dish. He can also reel of names of all the cheeses found in France.  Although he can be useful sometimes but he never knows when to stop.

My advice: Take him along especially if it’s a new cuisine that you are experimenting but pair him with the Show Off. Between them, they can bore each other for a long time.

6.       The Late Comers

Here is the situation - you find this great happening place in town. You have heard so much about the food and the Page 3 crowd there. You finally get a reservation and reach on time. And THEN, the rest of the party strolls in cheerfully half an hour later, without an apology. By which time, your table has been given away to someone else and you need to wait for another day.

  

My advice: Give the time at least 1 hour before the actual time. As a Plan B, take two inflatable dummies and put them on the chairs just to book the table. People might not even notice!!

7.       The Obnoxious Jerk

 You must have met this one: He will ask for changes in every dish that he orders. “Can you put margarine instead of butter? Can it be done with white sauce instead of red?” This is the kind of guy who will even ask for changes in the McDonald’s menu. God forbid – if the dish is a little bit cold or hot, he will send it back. He will complain loudly that the plates are not clean; the forks are dirty etc. etc. You will squirm in your seat and start to look everywhere hoping that people don’t know you came in together.  

My advice: See if the waiter can give you a different table. If he cannot, better avoid that restaurant from now on – the glares you get while going out would have given you the hint.

8.       The Scrooge

This is guy who is the penny pincher in the group. He is the one who insists that he will pay only for the food HE ATE and not divide equally. “Well – I did not eat non veg plus I had only two drinks and hence I will pay only for that”. He quickly calculates that his share comes to Rs 1482.50 and trusts you to figure out how the rest of the bill will be split. A close cousin is the person who rounds off to the lowest hundred rupees. For example, instead of 1482, he will pay only 1400 and expect you to make up the rest.

My advice: Don’t share his food and ask him to sit on a different table. It saves you a lot of headaches and calculations – things best avoided when you have had 4 drinks.

  

9.       The "I am bad at Math" person

Most often this guy also comes disguised as The Scrooge.  Have you ever been in a situation when everyone pays the “share” and yet you realized you have a Rs 2000 deficit that you have to pay from your own pocket? That is because 6 of them conveniently ignored the taxes and tips while calculating.  They are the ones who tell loudly that the service was bad (even if it wasn't) and why they will never come back to that restaurant.

My advice: Carry a calculator with you everywhere.  Do the math and ask everyone to pay accordingly. If it’s a recurring habit, then just join them and have someone else pay the bill.

 10.   The Hogger

So you order these great dishes, right? The waiter comes in to serve and the dish is passed around and when it reaches you, you only see a little bit of gravy and no chicken pieces. Ever happened to you? Then you have a Hogger in your midst. This is the guy who grabs the dish from the waiter, ensures he gets the best chicken pieces and then reluctantly passes it around. If possible, he will keep the dish near him so he can serve himself when needed.

My advice: Tip the waiter IN ADVANCE. This ensures you get the food first. Plan B – sit beside the hogger. If nothing else, you will be in a better position than being the last one in the food chain literally.

 Feel free to add more to characters that YOU have seen in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you....

Top 10 Characters you meet on flights

Sometime back, I was in God's Own Country - Kerala for an off site strategy session and had the pleasure of staying in two different resorts. What struck me was the recurring theme in both resorts. While I had gone there thinking of sampling the local cuisine - appams etc. but actually found that the menu offered Paneer Butter Masala and Bhindi Do Pyaaza! Why will a place with such great cuisine make it so banal!! But then I digress - this blog was not about cuisine but something which happened at the airport.

Trivandrum airport (at least the domestic one) reminded me of the old Hyderabad and Bangalore ones - the ones with the yellow board and black letters. The smoking room (as I understand) had space for 3 people only and they were blowing at each other's faces. The kind of airport they used to show in old movies - the hero coming down from the plane wearing a shiny black suit and dark glasses (since he was "phoren returned"). The heroine standing 10 feet away from him waving out - also wearing dark glasses with her hair in a buff at the top - bouffant I think they call it.

 As I looked around, I saw people in suits and nice Kanjeevaram sarees and realized that’s how people normally dressed when they flew in a plane maybe 10 years back. In an earlier article, I had written about typical characters you meet on trains. (The post incidentally was appreciated by all my 7 readers – 4 of whom I had to bribe). I realized that air travel has also changed now - we see a few such "characters". Here are my Top 10 that I that have observed

1.  The "Been There So Many Times" Traveller

This is the person who gives everyone a supercilious look while he gets into the aircraft. You can recognize him by his first act - he presses the button to call the attendant as soon as he sits down and asks for water. The harried girl is trying to get the rest of the passengers to sit down and promises to be get it in a few minutes. She does manage it with a smile. Immediately he asks for a newspaper. She digs out "The Hindu" to be promptly asked for "The Economic Times". In short, this guy is the pain in a part of the anatomy that I can’t mention... Best answer to him is the air hostess from Air India.That Aunty won’t even give him the time of the day! He is also the first one to switch on his mobile as soon as the plane lands!

2.  The First Timer

This one is easily recognized - he is the one who desperately tries to look suave but actually appears gauche...He keenly observes the previous type of traveller to pick up some ideas. A close cousin is the one who calls on his cell phone to relatives talking about his flight even as we are on the runaway.

3.  The Family of Four

This is the family to watch out for - the dad who has been on it before and shows off to his wife and kids. The wife - all decked up - and trying to shush the kids all the time. The kids wearing bright clothes and basically have a great time. They can easily be recognized by the kids who keep pulling the air hostess's dress asking for chips and sandwiches from "Aunty".

4.  The Space Squatter

This is person who is keen on introducing his elbows to your ribs. He sits comfortably in his chair making sure that he gets full value for his seat irrespective of who sits beside him. Both his arms will be on the handles so basically you need to keep one of your hands hanging in the air.God forbid if you are a woman who is squashed in between two of this species!!

5.  The "Everything tastes well in the air" newbie

This is someone we all recognize - since we were one at some point of time. This is the person who basically takes away the things kept in front of him - water bottles, sugar, sauce and even salt and pepper. In fact, one of the more radical ones in this clan is the person who basically wraps up the entire food in the cloth napkin provided and stuffs into his bag.

6.  The "Conference Caucus"

This is the group of office executives who are travelling together for a conference. Easily recognized - they keep moving up and down the aisle, talking loudly about their latest "wins" and how they fooled their customers. This is the group which will soon start playing "Antakshari" on the plane.

7. The "Hindustan Leaver"

Our very own NRI. He is the one who is coming back after a few years and has this fake accent and a very righteous attitude to corruption. Still believes prices were as low as when he left. Usually, ends all sentences with “you know” (To be fair, I was in this category some time back).

  

8. The "Harried Housewife"

Mostly found on international flights, this is the hassled lady with two rambunctious and noisy kids who keep running here and there...She is the one who mostly probably is the one who needs a doctor on board. Her husband is smart enough to have decided to travel later - alone!

9. The "Flight Flirter"

This person is the one who thinks everything is included in his ticket including the air hostess. Usually found preferring the aisle seat and slouching towards the aisle (for obvious reasons)

10. The "Lost in their World" latecomers

This group is the most universally disliked set of people. They are the ones who ignore repeated calls to board the flight and hence delay everyone. They are even more disliked when they have the window seat and hence everyone in the row has to come out so that they can get in…

I am sure there are other types of people whom you have noticed...Do add more as you have seen on your travails.. I mean travels!!