Some rejected IPL venues

Last year, I had written about the impact of IPL on the Prabhus when it was held in South Africa. Now that IPL is back in India (and half way thru here), you might not be aware that Mr.Modi had actaully consulted other countries before settling for India again..Here are a few of them

Zimbabwe

This would be have been a great place to host the IPL and literally taken new frontiers. However got rejected when Modi realized that the franchise fee amount could not be written on a simple cheque given the million percent rate of inflation. Even the Karbon Kamal (catch to you simple non-IPLians) would need two cheques to write in figures.

Afghanistan
So what if there are terrorists there? Cricket is just a game and Mr. Modi would have ensured world peace by playing the IPL there. However, was rejected finally when His Highness realized that he could not have skimpily dressed cheerleaders - after all, what's IPL without cheerleaders?

China

Maybe the best place to take cricket to - you can almost see Mr. Modi salivating by the amount of TV rights for the world's most populous country (for now, until India beats them). However was rejected when the authorities declared that all balls will be 'Made in China' which means they will need to be changed every over. Mr. Modi actually liked that since it meant more TV ads but wiser counsel prevailed.

USA

The final frontier - rejected however since it meant changing a few rules. Given the differences in driving (right hand vs left hand, light switches - up vs down etc), it would have meant pointing a finger down while giving a batsman out and calling the mid wicket as cover and square leg as point. Too confusing for the umpires.

Pakistan

It was a good choice since cricket sells in Pakistan as much as in India. There are of course a minor irritants likes security but then every time has a bench strength. However, was finally rejected when Modi tried to actually find out who the Board of Cricket in Pakistan was..the board had banned the cricketers while the cricketers had banned the Board. Last heard - the coach was trying to find both..

Now YOU know the real story..

'Holi'day

Hope all of you had a great Holi with a lot of Rang Barse and lots of bhang. I have been told that bhang has different effects on different people. If you are talking to someone, you keep on repeating the lines whilst if you are laughing, you keep on laughing with no apparent reason. Talking of bhang, here is how my conversation with the Better Half went on Holi day

BH: So - the light of my life - did you ever have bhang in your life?

LH (Lesser Half aka Vishnu): Oh yes - marrying you was a bhang by itself!

BH: (with a squeal of delight): Oh!! you mean you were intoxicated by me?

LH: No - I cried then and have not stopped crying till now.

Excuse me while I go back to peeling the potatoes for my dinner. I don't think I will get away easily this time.

Top 10 Bollywood Icons - Part 2

In my earlier post, I had talked about the better half had given me a diktat to write about Bollywood icons and from there germinated the ideas of the Top 10 lesser known Bollywood icons. If you do not remember the 5 written earlier, they were

10. The Doves
9. The Sister
8. The Lamp
7. The Servant
6. The Degree

Now to continue the list

5. The Swoon - this is not when the heroine swoons into the hero's arms. This is actually when the heroine swoons because she is in the "family way" as they delicately put it. The minute we see the swoon, even the kids know that she is expecting a child. Of course, a small voice in the audience pipes up "But Mama, she is not married so how is she having a baby?". There are quite a few titters in the audience and two every embarrassed parents shushing him.

4. The priest - the symbol of lechery. Usually, this is one of most lecherous persons in the film outdoing even the villain. Of course, after having made a pass at the heroine, who naturally turns him down, he then tries to spoil her reputation in the village with that ever famous dialogue "Ye aurat tho kulta hai". Of course, if he is from a minority religion, he is the exact opposite and the one who takes care of the orphan child.

3. The policeman - the epitome of corruptness. He is the reason why most people get scared to even go to the police station. Fat, lewd and obnoxious, he is of course the villain's henchman. Unless of course he is Ifthikar - in which case, he is thin, ramrod and very very honest. Rare in reel and real life.

2. The Locket - the Symbol of Unity which can glue the entire film together. Typically, it is worn by the hero when he is a small kid and is a symbol which his twin brother recognizes only at the very end and then the usual "Bhaiyya!!!" scene erupts. Sometimes it doubles up as a bullet proof vest too by stopping the bullet and save the hero.

and the Number 1 Icon award goes to

1. The Song - the symbol of romance. What is Bollywood without the songs? Of course, the songs proved that Bollywood could sense the mobile telephony wave way before time. How else can two people sing a song in two different cities, hear each other and sing in perfect synchronization!! The song sometimes can take the place of Number 9 - the locket. It can help reunite families together by singing the song in childhood and repeating it at the end.

That ladies and gentlemen are my version of the top 10 Bollywood Icons.
A few notable nominations were - the mom, the evil Bhabhi, the bullets (which hit the villains but never the hero) etc etc.

More nominations are welcome...

Top 10 Bollywood Icons

At the outset. let me confess - this blog spot idea is not my own. It was the Missus's idea so I must give all credit to her. Like I give for everything that goes well in my life - for everything else, there is Me.

Anyway, after visiting my last two posts, the Better Half gave me a piece of her mind (incidentally she has so much of it to give these days as compared to the earlier days of marriage but will reserve it for a different post). Here is how the talk went

BH: "Vishnu - what is all this about Bengalureans and Hyderabadis? Who cares about how to recognize them? First of all, no one visits your blog and to top it all, you talk of two cities about whom your visitors might not even care"

Me: "But I do have 3 visitors from Hyderabad as I clearly mentioned in the last post!!"

BH: "Shut up. One of them is you, one of them is me and the third is your son whom you force to go to your blog to increase your hits. You can easily make out because no one leaves comments and the ones who do, are usually anonymous. I think this time, you should talk about something which is more universal and appeals to all Indians"

ME: "You mean Katrina Kaif?" (my liking for a certain Ms. Kaif is well known and forms a certain amusement for the family especially the kids. Ms Kaif of course does not know about it)

BH: "No, you twerp. Other than you and that guy who takes his shirt off, no one cares for her and I am sure she does not even know you exist. But you do bring a good point. You should talk about Bollywood - its more universal and might actually get you some more visitors"

Once the BH gives her diktat, you sort of follow it, like the lamb who followed Mary. Unless you want to go on a involuntary diet.

Which is why this post is about Bollywood icons. No - not the Bachhans, Khans etc but symbols of Bollywood that you will all recognize from movies you have seen in the past. In fact, not just Bollywood, it encompasses Tollywood, Mollywood and Sandalwood (my current location). These are the unsung heroes who actually deserve the awards but no one seems to do it. So here is my tribute to the top 10 Bollywood icons

10. The Doves - the most symbolic icon of a movie to reflect love. You see two of them nudging each other to give you an idea of what the hero and heroine MUST be doing. A close cousin is the bush and the flowers. You always see them coming together and the rest is left to imagination. In fact, for a long time, I always believed that's what the birds and bees do - shake a few bushes here and there and voila!

9. The Sister - the symbol of nauseating sweetness. The hero's sister is always cute, plump and has pigtails. You never see her in a glamorous role although she manages to fall in love with the hero's best friend. She is the one who welcomes the heroine and calls her Bhabhi the first time she meets her. She lends her sari to the Bhabhi and somehow it fits even though they have different shapes. Of course, she is a bit stupid also because she manages to fall into the villain's hands with her mother, hanging above the "Liquid Oxygen" in the final few scenes.

8. The Lamp - the symbol of death. The hero might die a few thousand miles away but the lamp always flickers off at the same moment in synchronization. Has been to known to increase greatly the level of superstition in most homes in India.

7. The Servant - popularly known as Ramu Kaka - the symbol of honest, integrity and always looking old. He is the one who runs away with the child to save him from the evil uncle, brings him up on his own and tells the hero on the deathbed about his past. In fact, in real life, the Ramu Kakas actually steal the child and demand ransom.

6. The Degree - the symbol of Power. Kick starts when the hero says "Ma - mai BA pass ho gaya hoon". In the next scene, he is a manager of a big firm and a big house with a winding staircase. He now wears a black suit and of course woos the owner's daughter. He also has now his own car. In reality, a BA degree holder might actually be driving the car.

The last 5 will be shown in the next post....Keep visiting..

Top 10 ways of recognizing a Hyderabadi

Now that I have written the Top 10 ways of recognizing a Bengalurean, there has been a clamour from 75% of my readers (in simple terms 3 of the 4) about how I have forgotten about Hyderabad. There were some hisses and choice words at me for having forgotten about my city - "Kya mian? Kaiku bhool gaye hum logon ko. Paagalan dikhre tumare ko?". So I had to do justice to the city of the Nawabs and come out with a Top 10 of recognizing a Hyderabadi - before I pen it down, let me make a disclaimer that some of them might have done the rounds before so please forgive me.

10. Your house address could be a complicated string of numbers and characters 1like -1-265/2/C but actually you could be living right beside the Charminar

9. "Kal Parson"can mean any time in the past or future. Like for example "Hum logan kal parson World Cup jite the" or "Kal thak ho jayega"

8. Even if you are Telugu, you speak in Hindi with friends. Even if you do speak Telugu, you mix it with Hindi words like "Nenu aayanu ku Samjha inchina"

7. You cross a one way street looking at both sides and your heart in the mouth.

6. You have at least 1 relative living in the US and 1 on the way

5. A red light at a traffic signal is a just a mere suggestion not a rule.

4. "Idhar hi hai ghar - seedha jao " can actually mean 4 kms and involve at least 3 turns

3. You believe that Hyderabad is the IT Capital even if it is behind Bengaluru in terms of software revenue.

2. You start late for any appointment and then drive like crazy to try to reach on time

1. "Traffic Rules" are an oxymoron!!

And of course, if you are smiling as you read this, you are a true Hyderabadi!

So until the next post - I will enjoy my Irani chai, bun maska and Osmania biscuits. Or maybe that delicious biryani in Paradise.