Top 10 people I have on my FB list

I have been a fan of FB for quite some time and over a period of time, I have made many friends thanks to it. Most of them are people I know in person and a few I have met virtually. Although FB allows you to categorize your friends into family etc, I have my own 10 ways of categorizing the friends on FB..Here goes...

1.   The Farmville Fanatic:

You know this guy well, don’t you? I can see your head nodding as you read it. Either you ARE one or you know one! He is the one who asks you find his lost cow. In real life, this guy has never seen a farm in real life.

2.   The Tagger Teaser :

 Easy to recognize – he tags you everywhere even in pictures where you are not even present. Sometimes it’s not even a pic but some wishy-washy philosophy

3.   The Mystery Man:

This guy loves to tantalize you by his status. For example, his status can just say “Feeling low” without explaining why. Of course, this will get your attention immediately. But this is where I find that FB is very sexist. If a girl posts the above message, she will immediately get 105 likes and messages like “Awww…”, “So bad..feel for you”, “I am there for you.” Etc etc. If a guy does that, he will be glad if he gets 2 likes (one from himself) and one message saying “Grow up, dude!”

4.  The Living the Vida Loca:

This is the person who is most envied and is the cause of most emotional strife in your life. He is the guy who has updated his check in in fancy hotels all over the world except his home country. He never seems to be at work. Even if he is at work, he is in Hawaii or Caracas not Ahmedabad or Bhubaneswar.

5.  The Linker:

This guy never posts anything original – he only posts links to some random sites with messages like “Check this out…” Best ignored since the sites are usually dubious.

6.   The Prolific Photographer :

Closely related to the Living La Vida Loca guy – this guy posts pictures of exotic places with tag lines like “Loved the bungee jump from Victoria Falls #feelingontop”. However, this group consists of people who post pictures of everything - their cousin’s birthday, their dog’s birthday, his nephew’s first day in school or sometimes 9 pictures of his wife with almost the same expression on her face.  Most status messages say “XXXX has uploaded 102 pictures of his vacation in Venezuela”

            7. The Philosophical Plato:

Closely related to the Linker, this guy seems to be in depression all his life. Hence, the quotes from random philosophers which are about kindness etc. However, this guy never shows any kindness of his own – just the quotes.

            8. The Happy Birthday Logger:

Only found online on his birthday and then disappears from FB for the rest of the year. You realize he just wants to feel happy on his birthday and be proud that 100+ people wished him Happy Birthday with almost the same message.

            9. The Phantom Chatter

The one who says Hi and then total silence even after you respond. You, of course, say Hi to him/her immediately especially if he/she is of the opposite gender. You notice he has read your message after a few weeks and then disappears again to resurface with another Hi in a few months. 

          10. The Stalker Sam:

You know him! The guy who says Hi AS SOON AS you log in. This guy can be a problem especially if a spouse happens to be standing right behind you when you log in.

If you have come to this blog thru my FB link, do let me know if YOU fall into any of the above categories or any other set of people you have noticed in your FB list...

Top 10 characters you meet in restaurants

For some reason, I have this bad habit of observing people especially in public places - be it a train station, an airport or a restaurant. Since I had already written about the people on trains, flights, I focused my attention on my favorite topic - food.So here are my Top 10 people you meet in a restaurant normally and my two cents advice on how to handle them...

1.       The Show Off

This one you would definitely know.  You name any dish and he will compare it to something he had in a different city or country for that matter. For example, you like the tandoori chicken and comment on it and he will immediately say “Oh this is nothing. Back home in Dilli, you get the most amazing chicken in Def Col”. He won’t stop there and rave about every food joint in Delhi that he likes and describe each occasion for you. God forbid if you order continental food. He will then talk about who how good the Fusilli sicilliana was in Italy with the Fusilli was tossed with fresh tomato, garlic, fried eggplants, capers, chilli flakes, olive oil, basil, caramelised onions, pecorino and parmesan (oh yeah! HE remembers!!),

My advice: Just pick up pointers from him and use it with other obnoxious friends to show off a bit yourself. You know the old adage – if you can’t beat them, join them!

 2.       The Closed Mind Colleague

This guy is one of the most difficult people to go out for lunch. He is the one who is so set in his ways and food preferences that you can never experiment with food. He knows the entire menu in his preferred restaurant but won’t try anything else anywhere. Try any other cuisine – a different part of the country, different country etc. etc. and he will nix it.

My advice: Best avoided unless you feel like having his preferred type of food on a particular day or he is the last person on earth (whichever comes first)

3.       The Technology Narcissist

This is the easiest person to recognize in the restaurant. This is the guy who comes in with all of you and as soon as he sits down, his cell phone comes out and is put on the table. He will keep checking his phone every few seconds and half listen to your conversation. If someone calls him, he will talk loudly (the restaurant has to hear, isn’t it?) and say "What am I doing now? Nothing important at all”.

My advice:

IF you are a klutz (or even if you are not), feel free to drop some hot coffee on his pants!

4.       The Bindaas Parents

Your worst nightmare!   Don’t take me wrong – I like kids especially babies with cute smiles. But when I see parents who allow their toddlers to run amok, I really get pissed. I know you love your kids and might be amused by their obnoxious behavior but we are NOT! Leave them at home or train them to be better behaved. I would not like my romantic dinner interrupted by infantile shrieking nor get their bodies getting entangled in my legs when I get a hot dish from the buffet.

My advice: Leave immediately if you see such a crowd. You can always order in from the local Chinese restaurant and eat in peace at home.

  

5.       The Wiki’pain’dia

This guy knows everything about anything on the menu. He will tell you exactly what boeuf bourguignon means, the Zomato rating of the restaurant and the wine which can go with each dish. He can also reel of names of all the cheeses found in France.  Although he can be useful sometimes but he never knows when to stop.

My advice: Take him along especially if it’s a new cuisine that you are experimenting but pair him with the Show Off. Between them, they can bore each other for a long time.

6.       The Late Comers

Here is the situation - you find this great happening place in town. You have heard so much about the food and the Page 3 crowd there. You finally get a reservation and reach on time. And THEN, the rest of the party strolls in cheerfully half an hour later, without an apology. By which time, your table has been given away to someone else and you need to wait for another day.

  

My advice: Give the time at least 1 hour before the actual time. As a Plan B, take two inflatable dummies and put them on the chairs just to book the table. People might not even notice!!

7.       The Obnoxious Jerk

 You must have met this one: He will ask for changes in every dish that he orders. “Can you put margarine instead of butter? Can it be done with white sauce instead of red?” This is the kind of guy who will even ask for changes in the McDonald’s menu. God forbid – if the dish is a little bit cold or hot, he will send it back. He will complain loudly that the plates are not clean; the forks are dirty etc. etc. You will squirm in your seat and start to look everywhere hoping that people don’t know you came in together.  

My advice: See if the waiter can give you a different table. If he cannot, better avoid that restaurant from now on – the glares you get while going out would have given you the hint.

8.       The Scrooge

This is guy who is the penny pincher in the group. He is the one who insists that he will pay only for the food HE ATE and not divide equally. “Well – I did not eat non veg plus I had only two drinks and hence I will pay only for that”. He quickly calculates that his share comes to Rs 1482.50 and trusts you to figure out how the rest of the bill will be split. A close cousin is the person who rounds off to the lowest hundred rupees. For example, instead of 1482, he will pay only 1400 and expect you to make up the rest.

My advice: Don’t share his food and ask him to sit on a different table. It saves you a lot of headaches and calculations – things best avoided when you have had 4 drinks.

  

9.       The "I am bad at Math" person

Most often this guy also comes disguised as The Scrooge.  Have you ever been in a situation when everyone pays the “share” and yet you realized you have a Rs 2000 deficit that you have to pay from your own pocket? That is because 6 of them conveniently ignored the taxes and tips while calculating.  They are the ones who tell loudly that the service was bad (even if it wasn't) and why they will never come back to that restaurant.

My advice: Carry a calculator with you everywhere.  Do the math and ask everyone to pay accordingly. If it’s a recurring habit, then just join them and have someone else pay the bill.

 10.   The Hogger

So you order these great dishes, right? The waiter comes in to serve and the dish is passed around and when it reaches you, you only see a little bit of gravy and no chicken pieces. Ever happened to you? Then you have a Hogger in your midst. This is the guy who grabs the dish from the waiter, ensures he gets the best chicken pieces and then reluctantly passes it around. If possible, he will keep the dish near him so he can serve himself when needed.

My advice: Tip the waiter IN ADVANCE. This ensures you get the food first. Plan B – sit beside the hogger. If nothing else, you will be in a better position than being the last one in the food chain literally.

 Feel free to add more to characters that YOU have seen in the comments box below. I would love to hear from you....

Top 10 Characters you meet on flights

Sometime back, I was in God's Own Country - Kerala for an off site strategy session and had the pleasure of staying in two different resorts. What struck me was the recurring theme in both resorts. While I had gone there thinking of sampling the local cuisine - appams etc. but actually found that the menu offered Paneer Butter Masala and Bhindi Do Pyaaza! Why will a place with such great cuisine make it so banal!! But then I digress - this blog was not about cuisine but something which happened at the airport.

Trivandrum airport (at least the domestic one) reminded me of the old Hyderabad and Bangalore ones - the ones with the yellow board and black letters. The smoking room (as I understand) had space for 3 people only and they were blowing at each other's faces. The kind of airport they used to show in old movies - the hero coming down from the plane wearing a shiny black suit and dark glasses (since he was "phoren returned"). The heroine standing 10 feet away from him waving out - also wearing dark glasses with her hair in a buff at the top - bouffant I think they call it.

 As I looked around, I saw people in suits and nice Kanjeevaram sarees and realized that’s how people normally dressed when they flew in a plane maybe 10 years back. In an earlier article, I had written about typical characters you meet on trains. (The post incidentally was appreciated by all my 7 readers – 4 of whom I had to bribe). I realized that air travel has also changed now - we see a few such "characters". Here are my Top 10 that I that have observed

1.  The "Been There So Many Times" Traveller

This is the person who gives everyone a supercilious look while he gets into the aircraft. You can recognize him by his first act - he presses the button to call the attendant as soon as he sits down and asks for water. The harried girl is trying to get the rest of the passengers to sit down and promises to be get it in a few minutes. She does manage it with a smile. Immediately he asks for a newspaper. She digs out "The Hindu" to be promptly asked for "The Economic Times". In short, this guy is the pain in a part of the anatomy that I can’t mention... Best answer to him is the air hostess from Air India.That Aunty won’t even give him the time of the day! He is also the first one to switch on his mobile as soon as the plane lands!

2.  The First Timer

This one is easily recognized - he is the one who desperately tries to look suave but actually appears gauche...He keenly observes the previous type of traveller to pick up some ideas. A close cousin is the one who calls on his cell phone to relatives talking about his flight even as we are on the runaway.

3.  The Family of Four

This is the family to watch out for - the dad who has been on it before and shows off to his wife and kids. The wife - all decked up - and trying to shush the kids all the time. The kids wearing bright clothes and basically have a great time. They can easily be recognized by the kids who keep pulling the air hostess's dress asking for chips and sandwiches from "Aunty".

4.  The Space Squatter

This is person who is keen on introducing his elbows to your ribs. He sits comfortably in his chair making sure that he gets full value for his seat irrespective of who sits beside him. Both his arms will be on the handles so basically you need to keep one of your hands hanging in the air.God forbid if you are a woman who is squashed in between two of this species!!

5.  The "Everything tastes well in the air" newbie

This is someone we all recognize - since we were one at some point of time. This is the person who basically takes away the things kept in front of him - water bottles, sugar, sauce and even salt and pepper. In fact, one of the more radical ones in this clan is the person who basically wraps up the entire food in the cloth napkin provided and stuffs into his bag.

6.  The "Conference Caucus"

This is the group of office executives who are travelling together for a conference. Easily recognized - they keep moving up and down the aisle, talking loudly about their latest "wins" and how they fooled their customers. This is the group which will soon start playing "Antakshari" on the plane.

7. The "Hindustan Leaver"

Our very own NRI. He is the one who is coming back after a few years and has this fake accent and a very righteous attitude to corruption. Still believes prices were as low as when he left. Usually, ends all sentences with “you know” (To be fair, I was in this category some time back).

  

8. The "Harried Housewife"

Mostly found on international flights, this is the hassled lady with two rambunctious and noisy kids who keep running here and there...She is the one who mostly probably is the one who needs a doctor on board. Her husband is smart enough to have decided to travel later - alone!

9. The "Flight Flirter"

This person is the one who thinks everything is included in his ticket including the air hostess. Usually found preferring the aisle seat and slouching towards the aisle (for obvious reasons)

10. The "Lost in their World" latecomers

This group is the most universally disliked set of people. They are the ones who ignore repeated calls to board the flight and hence delay everyone. They are even more disliked when they have the window seat and hence everyone in the row has to come out so that they can get in…

I am sure there are other types of people whom you have noticed...Do add more as you have seen on your travails.. I mean travels!! 

10 Commandments to be followed on Indian highways

People who have experienced driving on an Indian highway have numerous stories to tell about their harrowing experience. While it has its own charm of roadside dhabas and scenic beauty yet the entire journey is usually fraught with danger. I recall a few of my American friends who were sworn atheists suddenly turning religious during these trips.

I remember a few months back when I travelled to Chennai from Bangalore. Our driver had decided to demonstrate why he was the next Schumacher (or for the younger generation -the next Vettel) by driving at a very high speed. We almost hit a truck and if luck was not on our side that way, this blog would have stopped a few months back. 

At that exact moment, I had thought to myself - there should be a simple set of rules for driving on Indian highways. So here are my 10 Commandments for driving on Indian Highways (albeit a bit delayed)

10. Thou shall use your horn indiscriminately – that is why they are provided. However, horns need to be blasted based on intention. Short horns indicate that you want the person to move (please note: this doesn’t apply to cows). Long Blasts indicate that you are desperate and know one of you will die today. Also, this shall not apply to speed breakers. For some reason, speed breakers are immune to the horn although some people still give it a try.

9. Thou shall not brake – never ever. Braking is treated as a sign of weakness. When in doubt, look at rule on usage of horns

8. Thou shall take evasive actions only at the last minute. For example, if there is a vehicle coming right in front of you, you shall overtake a vehicle and THEN swerve when the incoming vehicle is just about to hit you.  This way, the passengers get a heart attack and still die (thus achieving your purpose) but they can’t blame YOU.

7. Thou shall not use seat belts especially the driver. They serve no purpose. The only belt that is important is the one for your pants so that they don’t fall down.

6. Thou shall not give way to ANYONE unless that vehicle is bigger than your vehicle. This includes anyone especially pedestrians. 

5. Thou shall not follow the lane system. The lane system is purely for cosmetic purposes like the red signal in Hyderabad – meant only as a suggestion.

4. Thou shall forget that there are indicators in your vehicle. Even if you do remember, ensure you turn the left indicator before you make a right turn. If you don’t, there are chances of confusing the driver behind you and causing a major accident

3. Thou shall overtake always – this is compulsory. This is especially required if another vehicle has overtaken you in which case, it is important for you have to have some pride and overtake THAT bugger. Of course, this can involve risks (as in incoming traffic but then what is the use of the horn?) (See rule on horns)

2. Thou shall always keep to the centre of the road – irrespective of the time, speed, size of vehicle and direction of travel. If needed, you can go to the right side of the road (we must follow the Americans) but NEVER move to the left. That is blasphemy and is condemned

1. In case of an accident, the bigger vehicle is ALWAYS to blame irrespective of whose fault it is…When you have an accident (and you are still alive), look at the other vehicle. If it’s bigger than yours, hold the other driver down until a crowd comes and bashes him up. If your vehicle is bigger, then RUN.

I am sure there are few more out there but I had space for only 10 before the interest of my very few readers ran out….

Top 10 characters you meet on trains

Summer usually makes me nostalgic of times when we actually HAD a summer vacation. It usually meant going to our parent's village and have a much laid back lifestyle at least for a few weeks. One of the best things of the vacation was the actual journey itself - courtesy the Indian Railways second class compartment. To me, this is the best way to know the real India. Here are some familiar characters during the journey

1. The Roving Romeo

This person is typically in the 19 - 25 age range. His first job before boarding the train is to look at the reservation chart and see if he can spot any 'F 19' person on the passenger list. You should see his joy when he sees quite a few girls in the range 19 to 25. You should also see his disappointment when he sees an old woman because Indian Railways decided to change the seats at the last minute. However, he is not defeated. He will twist and turn and try to eye women at least 20 feet away. Even if that does not work, he will saunter into the next three coaches and come back with news to his friends about exact locations.

2. The Inquisitive Indian

Probably the most common of personalities, he is the one who will start a conversation with his neighbour with the ice breaker question 'Aap Mumbai jaa rahen hai?' (Are you going to Mumbai?). This is at the beginning of the journey and by the end of it, knows everything about you and your family, including the name of your dog.

3. The 'My Train - My home' Traveller

This person is the one who has travelled the same route hundreds of times and is comfortable that the train is actually the extension of his home. You can recognize him by the "lungi" he wears as soon as gets on the train. He is also the person who can tell you that the train is late by 2 hours and depress you even more. A close friend of this character is the 'Let’s play Cards' Comrades - usually recognized by playing cards all through the night and loudly analysing each game.

4. The 'Can you exchange seats' Comrade

This is the person who usually tries his charm at exchanging seats with you because you are travelling alone and he has friends in your compartment. His seat would be usually 72 which is near the toilet which we know usually stinks. If you resist, he will mutter some obscenities under his breath about unhelpful passengers.

5. The 'We like Good Food' Family

This is the family which seems to have enormous amounts of food while you are eating the mess that Indian Railways calls as meals. Puris, Aloo Subzi, Achhar, fruits etc. In olden days, you hoped that they would offer it to you but these days, you are scared because they might add drugs to make you sleep. They eat all the time and scatter all the food on the floor. They are also the ones who occupy most of the space for storing the luggage.

6. The Happy Honeymooners:
These are the couples typically found travelling to tourist spots and are lost in their own world. Typically, you recognize them by the fact that they are completely lost in themselves and oblivious to the world. The guy has this confident look and the girl always giggles for any reason. You can hear giggles even after asinine statements like 'This train is a vestibule'.

7. The Lower Berther:

This is the annoying guy who has the lower berth while you have the middle one. He takes his own sweet time to finish his food while you wait for lifting the middle berth. He ends up waking late making you sit like a hunch back in the morning.

Conversely, when you have the lower berth, he always seems to sleep early and wake up late!!

8. The Crude Artist:

This guy is usually an artist lost to the world - he draws his "masterpieces" in the toilet with crude lines and even more cruder drawings - usually ends up teaching people about the "birds and the bees".

9. The Off Key Singer:

This person is not really a passenger but one of those people who carry an old harmonium and sing a song very very off-key - the song could be years old but still the singer persists - 'Didi tera devar deewanaaaaaaaa'. Disliked universally because they ask for money.

10. The Dirty Floor Sweeper:
Again not a passenger but promptly comes early in the morning cleaning your compartment with a grubby cloth and keeps touching you. You just pay him money so he can move on..


I am sure there are more that you have seen so do feel free to add characters you have seen….