Bhagwaan and his SIL(ly) episode -Part 1

It was a typical day at the cafeteria. Everyone was watching IPL although they knew it was getting so boring that even a DLF Maximum (a six for those uninitiated) was treated with a yawn.

Single Idli-Single Vada ( one of the popular patrons): What is with Bhagwaan da? He has such a big grin plastered on his face that you can even put Samir Kochar inside it. Maccha - something is going on...

Paneer-Butter-Masala: "Oye yaar- he  must have got an increment. I don't know how he manages it. Bugger is damn lucky"

Ms. Fresh Carrot Juice (pouting): He is not lucky at all, you know..he is just intelligent. He looks so handsome na with those brown eyes and those curls. Cho Chweet he is!!!!!! Muah!!!!

Paneer-Butter-Masala:"Oye Kudi. I know you like him but don't make such a fuss yaar"

Nimbu Pani Soda: PBM Paaji - you must forgive Bhagwaan. He has been through a harrowing experience but had finally managed to come out. I will tell you the story....

Paneer-Butter-Masala: (suddenly realizing the danger) I need to go. I have to create some new bugs in the code so that the testing team has some work.

Nimbu Pani Soda (holding Paneer-Butter-Masala by the shirt): I can see how interested you are in the story. So let me start from the beginning....

Paneer-Butter-Masala(with a resigned sigh): Okay. I have no choice I guess. Anyway the testing team has enough bugs to check from my last code release...

Nimbu Pani Soda: So this is how it went...
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SIL did not like it him at all..There I go again..start a story somewhere in middle. Now you will wonder who or what is SIL and why does SIL not like? This is my habit..Let me start from the beginning. Stop me if you know this already. Bhagwaan is  a middle aged IT professional trying desperately to keep his sanity with both Bhagyawaan (his wife of 15 years) He has two kids - Badu (his son of 12 going on 10) and Chotti (his daughter of 7 going on 17).  There - we got all of that straightened out.

It all started when Bhagwaan's sister-in-law came to town. She is the HR manager of a large organization and always seems to be appraising people. Guess its a force of habit. One of the things about HR people is that people never seem to know what they actually do but are usually disliked. One never knows why - some of the best people are in HR but then that's not their fault..But here again I digress...So this sister-in-law (aka SIL) was in town and Bhagwaan was on tenterhooks...SIL always felt that her  younger sister (Bhagyawaan in case you were sleeping) married beneath her. She makes this feeling very obvious also. You know about evil Catbert (from the Dilbert series)? You do?!! Good - then SIL made Catbert look like a saint...

It was 13th of the month (Friday actually) which should have given Bhagwaan an idea. He came back home and saw SIL on the sofa. I don't know if I have told you but this SIL is on the plump side (well fat actually but then one has to be politically correct). The arm rests of the sofa looked like her extensions - in fact she fitted into so snugly it looked as if the sofa was built around her...In fact, Bhagwaan had seen a pic of her once and it read "Left to Right - SIL"

SIL : So you have come....!!!
Bhagwaan: (nervously) Yes
SIL: Hmmmm..how come you so are late?
Bhagwaan: Errrr...Office work - year end appraisals..lots of work..
SIL: Hmmmm..!
Bhagwaan quickly slipped off and went to his room

The next day, being a Saturday, he woke up late and was walking into the living room where SIL was sitting and working..
Bhagwaan: Good morning!! (one has to be civil after all)
SIL: Maybe for you but not for this guy whom I am putting together a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP)..guy cannot come out of it!! Hahaha!

SIL walked away to another room to complete her job....

That's when IT happened! The maid servant walked in to sweep the room..now the modern servant is different from the broom sweeping Gangu Tai type (or Kanta Behn if you prefer)..she has her schedule outline in Excel, has the latest IPhone and doesn't work unless you have a LED TV and a washing machine at home..Given that background, she only uses the vacuum cleaner to clean perfunctorily..She was cleaning the room when the inevitable happened - she got a electric shock...Bhagwaan noticed it and quickly jumped to her rescue (i mean who wouldn't!!!) and realized it was a big mistake..he was apparently a good conductor himself....he also got the shock and fell into the maid servant's arms..

This went off for some time until Badu walked in, analyzed it well, took a stick, removed the offending wire with a stick and coolly walked away. Bhagwaan was still in maid servant's arms and did not move..Some uncharitable people might say that was deliberate but who knows...That's when SIL walked back in and saw THE scene (Keen ad watchers might recall that this scene was copied in a ad later with the tag line "Shock laga")

SIL: Haha!! When my sister is away , you fall into the maid servant's arms! Let her hear about it
Bhagwaan: It was an accident, she got a shock and me too..luckily Badu helped us out by plugging out the wire with a stick...
SIL: Come on! You are telling me that a 12 year old had the sense of mind but not you..likely story!! I always knew you were a player - now I know you have fallen down so low..

Now SIL was towering over Bhagwaan and THAT'S when Bhagyawaan walked in....

Will Bhagwaan be able to save himself? More in the next post...watch this space!

Top 10 signs you have become old

10. The doctors you know never did any tests, gave your colored concotions,they came home and actually cured you!

9. Your knowledge of Hindu Mythology comes from Amar Chitra Katha comics

8. You think Yahoo was the first word of a famous Shammi Kapoor song

7. Your entire knowledge of Western music was Boney M, Abba, Bee Gees and Micheal Jackson!

6. You see ads in paper for consumer goods and realize the discount amount offered was the ACTUAL price at one point of time

5. Your remember the logo of Doordarshan and hum the opening tune since that was the only one you saw and heard every evening

4. You have actually seen AND used a 25 paise coin

3. You have a good knowledge of pig farming and usage of Malathion and Urea having watched Krishi Darshan on Doordarshan

2. What you thought were new songs now come on the radio as "Bhoole Bisre Geet"


and the number one way of making out you have become old is

1. You read the previous 9 reasons and nod at most of them!

Top 10 ways of recognizing you are in management...

10. You start to use words like "paradigm shift", "moving up the value chain"
9. You come on time to the office only when the boss is in town
8. You learn how to use animation in Powerpoint and pivot tables in Excel
7. You start playing golf but still hit it like a cricket bat - old habits die hard
6. You start giving "gyaan" to others on how you handled things
5. You keep a suitcase full of clothes for sudden "offsite brainstorming" sessions
4. You learn how to make everything into a 2x2 or 3x3 matrix
3. You read boring books so you can quote them and make others feel uneducated.
2. You work on weekends because you spent the entire week in meetings doing no work


and the number one you can recognize you are in management is

1. No one wants to sit with you for lunch!!

Top 10 tips for parents

10. Have a computer/internet connection/printer with at least two spare cartridges at home - kids will tell you at 10 pm in the night about a critical school project
9. Dont try to clean up the house - its useless
8. If relatives tell you how beautiful your child looks, dont believe them. They are usually ugly.
7. When the child is smaller, make sure you sterlize the bottles etc in hot water. After a few days, run it under water..after a few more days, just wipe it on your behind. Germs are anyway good for them!
6. They always love other mom's cooking - accept it.
5. Learn the fine art of dividing stuff into two exactly especially cakes etc. This is needed to keep the peace at home
4. Get a room which is sound proof so you can scream when needed. Its important for your own sanity
3. Allow the kids to settle a quarrel among themselves - they will do much better than you
2. When you have one child, you are a parent. When you have two, you are a referee

and the number one tip for parents is

1. The government is right - having two of them is enough! "Bacche do hi acche!"

Top 10 commandments for a successful marriage

10. Thou shalt not notice the zits on the face however ugly they look
9. Thou shalt understand that "having a headache" does not necessarily mean taking out painkillers
8. Thou shalt never praise your wife's friends however good they look and you want to hit on them
7. Thou shall always fall the old adage of "Silence is Golden " as much as possible
6. Thou shalt understand if your kid comes first in class, then it comes from HER side of the family
5. Thou shalt also understand that if your kid gets a complaint from school, it comes from YOUR side of the family
4. Thou shalt understand the statement "My feet are paining" means "I am overworked, you louse and I need a massage so better get that started"
3. Thou shalt know that a "No" can mean Yes, No or Maybe
2. Thou shall always answer the questions "Am I fat? Have I gained weight?" with a emphatic "No!!!!" however untrue it is

and the number 1 commandment

1. Thou shalt know that you should always have the last word in a fight and that is "Sorry"

Happy marriage!