Top 10 tips for parents

10. Have a computer/internet connection/printer with at least two spare cartridges at home - kids will tell you at 10 pm in the night about a critical school project
9. Dont try to clean up the house - its useless
8. If relatives tell you how beautiful your child looks, dont believe them. They are usually ugly.
7. When the child is smaller, make sure you sterlize the bottles etc in hot water. After a few days, run it under water..after a few more days, just wipe it on your behind. Germs are anyway good for them!
6. They always love other mom's cooking - accept it.
5. Learn the fine art of dividing stuff into two exactly especially cakes etc. This is needed to keep the peace at home
4. Get a room which is sound proof so you can scream when needed. Its important for your own sanity
3. Allow the kids to settle a quarrel among themselves - they will do much better than you
2. When you have one child, you are a parent. When you have two, you are a referee

and the number one tip for parents is

1. The government is right - having two of them is enough! "Bacche do hi acche!"

Top 10 commandments for a successful marriage

10. Thou shalt not notice the zits on the face however ugly they look
9. Thou shalt understand that "having a headache" does not necessarily mean taking out painkillers
8. Thou shalt never praise your wife's friends however good they look and you want to hit on them
7. Thou shall always fall the old adage of "Silence is Golden " as much as possible
6. Thou shalt understand if your kid comes first in class, then it comes from HER side of the family
5. Thou shalt also understand that if your kid gets a complaint from school, it comes from YOUR side of the family
4. Thou shalt understand the statement "My feet are paining" means "I am overworked, you louse and I need a massage so better get that started"
3. Thou shalt know that a "No" can mean Yes, No or Maybe
2. Thou shall always answer the questions "Am I fat? Have I gained weight?" with a emphatic "No!!!!" however untrue it is

and the number 1 commandment

1. Thou shalt know that you should always have the last word in a fight and that is "Sorry"

Happy marriage!

Top 10 things I dislike

10. Sitting between two fat men on a economy class ticket - worse when both have their hands on the arm rest
9. Watching my favorite - VVS Laxman trying to play 20-20 cricket - in which case the S stands for Stupid not Special
8. Spending one hour to find the exact color/shade of the dress you like and find that they dont have it in your size
7. The driver behind you blows the horn and expects that a big traffic jam gets cleared in a jiffy like magic because HE honked. Eeeesh!
6. The guy behind you who honks exactly 0.017 seconds after the light turns green and acts as if you are slow
5. The person in front of you in the supermarket who has either the biggest set of items/credit cards which dont work/items that dont scan/a new clerk at the checkout
4. A boss who comes early when you are late and comes late when you are early
3. Those damn car drivers who dont stop to allow a pedestrian to cross the road even when you show the hand
2. Those damn pedestrians who think they can cross the road just because they show the hand

and the number 1 thing I dislike is closer to home...

1. A wife who seems to know exactly when I am lying!

Top 10 ways of recognizing a Delhiite

10. You claim you never use words like Pepsi-Vepsi or Coke-Shoke, you say that only the stupid-vupid people use it.

9. You have seen at least 6 people pinched in a DTC bus, 3 people who have actually done it - of course, YOU have never ever done it! Seriously :-)

8. You can name drop effortlessly - "mera Poofa ka bhai ke beta ka sagaa mausa ja chachera bhai minster hai". Most of us don't know who a poofa is or chachera means.

7. You know that Delhi is much better than Mumbai in terms of branding - have they ever heard of a Mumbai Public School but Delhi Public School is all over the world!

6. Anyone south of the Vindhyas is a Madrasi.

5. You know when the rick guy asks you "Left ya Right", the correct answer is actually straight.

4. You call all strange men as "Bhaiyya" as a defence mechanism - although it doesn't actually work!

3. You love food - Mumbai might have vada pav, Kolkatta might have kaathi rolls but real food is in Delhi.

2. You know it is better to have 5 nice designer dresses than 10 cheap ones - that's for the rest of the world.

and the number one way of recognizing a Delhi ite is

1. To survive in Delhi, you take all the relatives on one side and 4 letter words on the other side and you cross multiply!!

(Re)Vision Test

I know it’s been quite sometime since I came here and I apologize. But then your life would have gone on well without having to come to this site anyway Life has been hectic with bill payments, missed deadlines, cutting vegetables, fighting with neighbors and of course the biggest problem of all - sheer laziness. But then all good things come to an end . Today, I realized that all of this can wait and the world spins anyway. So here I am...

It has been an interesting week till now - I must say. I realized that I need a vision for the future, work wise I mean. I mean what does 2011, 2012 and 2013 look like for my team? Will we do the same that we did in the past or will we actually make this year that clichéd thing - "game changer year"? I realized I need a vision for the future - something like past tense but future perfect. I did the best thing a man could do (no not get drunk like some of you think is the best way). Nope - not read some management book or even "How to Write Vision Statements for Dummies" in that typical yellow cover book. I just went for a simple eye exam - decided I will take it literally.

So I and Better Half (BH) went to the nearest Eye Hospital. Interesting place - these eye hospitals. When we went in at an unearthly time of 9 am on Saturday, there was no one there but suddenly, we saw all these people with eyes bandaged and wearing black glasses in a few minutes. I thought I was the youngest one there. One thing stuck me though - why don't they have ATMs in hospitals? With the kind of money they charge, they need ATMs there with no withdrawal limits. Of course, hospitals also have their fair share of politics too. We saw ophthalmologists not seeing "eye to eye" with each other and optometrists making a "spectacle" of themselves. But then I digress..

The optometrist went through her routine and showed some characters on the screen and asked me to read them. I was about to tell her that those were the exact names I call people when I curse them. But then realized, for her, it was just a set of letters. After a lot of removing glasses and changing them and asking was it better or worse now, she proclaimed proudly that my power had actually come down. Talking about lessened vision!! Of course, I must confess ego was boosted given that I was going against typical behavior of power increasing with age. Of course, said ego was deflated in the next second when she said "Saar, at your age, you need to have regular eye tests and meet the doctor". The doctor, a very nice one, also called me Sir which made it worse given that she was middle aged.

So here came back, Mr. Vision, with a bruised ego, lessened power and no idea of how to get a vision. Next time, I will read those management books...