10. Sitting between two fat men on a economy class ticket - worse when both have their hands on the arm rest
9. Watching my favorite - VVS Laxman trying to play 20-20 cricket - in which case the S stands for Stupid not Special
8. Spending one hour to find the exact color/shade of the dress you like and find that they dont have it in your size
7. The driver behind you blows the horn and expects that a big traffic jam gets cleared in a jiffy like magic because HE honked. Eeeesh!
6. The guy behind you who honks exactly 0.017 seconds after the light turns green and acts as if you are slow
5. The person in front of you in the supermarket who has either the biggest set of items/credit cards which dont work/items that dont scan/a new clerk at the checkout
4. A boss who comes early when you are late and comes late when you are early
3. Those damn car drivers who dont stop to allow a pedestrian to cross the road even when you show the hand
2. Those damn pedestrians who think they can cross the road just because they show the hand
and the number 1 thing I dislike is closer to home...
1. A wife who seems to know exactly when I am lying!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Top 10 ways of recognizing a Delhiite
10. You claim you never use words like Pepsi-Vepsi or Coke-Shoke, you say that only the stupid-vupid people use it.
9. You have seen at least 6 people pinched in a DTC bus, 3 people who have actually done it - of course, YOU have never ever done it! Seriously :-)
8. You can name drop effortlessly - "mera Poofa ka bhai ke beta ka sagaa mausa ja chachera bhai minster hai". Most of us don't know who a poofa is or chachera means.
7. You know that Delhi is much better than Mumbai in terms of branding - have they ever heard of a Mumbai Public School but Delhi Public School is all over the world!
6. Anyone south of the Vindhyas is a Madrasi.
5. You know when the rick guy asks you "Left ya Right", the correct answer is actually straight.
4. You call all strange men as "Bhaiyya" as a defence mechanism - although it doesn't actually work!
3. You love food - Mumbai might have vada pav, Kolkatta might have kaathi rolls but real food is in Delhi.
2. You know it is better to have 5 nice designer dresses than 10 cheap ones - that's for the rest of the world.
and the number one way of recognizing a Delhi ite is
1. To survive in Delhi, you take all the relatives on one side and 4 letter words on the other side and you cross multiply!!
9. You have seen at least 6 people pinched in a DTC bus, 3 people who have actually done it - of course, YOU have never ever done it! Seriously :-)
8. You can name drop effortlessly - "mera Poofa ka bhai ke beta ka sagaa mausa ja chachera bhai minster hai". Most of us don't know who a poofa is or chachera means.
7. You know that Delhi is much better than Mumbai in terms of branding - have they ever heard of a Mumbai Public School but Delhi Public School is all over the world!
6. Anyone south of the Vindhyas is a Madrasi.
5. You know when the rick guy asks you "Left ya Right", the correct answer is actually straight.
4. You call all strange men as "Bhaiyya" as a defence mechanism - although it doesn't actually work!
3. You love food - Mumbai might have vada pav, Kolkatta might have kaathi rolls but real food is in Delhi.
2. You know it is better to have 5 nice designer dresses than 10 cheap ones - that's for the rest of the world.
and the number one way of recognizing a Delhi ite is
1. To survive in Delhi, you take all the relatives on one side and 4 letter words on the other side and you cross multiply!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
(Re)Vision Test
I know it’s been quite sometime since I came here and I apologize. But then your life would have gone on well without having to come to this site anyway Life has been hectic with bill payments, missed deadlines, cutting vegetables, fighting with neighbors and of course the biggest problem of all - sheer laziness. But then all good things come to an end . Today, I realized that all of this can wait and the world spins anyway. So here I am...
It has been an interesting week till now - I must say. I realized that I need a vision for the future, work wise I mean. I mean what does 2011, 2012 and 2013 look like for my team? Will we do the same that we did in the past or will we actually make this year that clichéd thing - "game changer year"? I realized I need a vision for the future - something like past tense but future perfect. I did the best thing a man could do (no not get drunk like some of you think is the best way). Nope - not read some management book or even "How to Write Vision Statements for Dummies" in that typical yellow cover book. I just went for a simple eye exam - decided I will take it literally.
So I and Better Half (BH) went to the nearest Eye Hospital. Interesting place - these eye hospitals. When we went in at an unearthly time of 9 am on Saturday, there was no one there but suddenly, we saw all these people with eyes bandaged and wearing black glasses in a few minutes. I thought I was the youngest one there. One thing stuck me though - why don't they have ATMs in hospitals? With the kind of money they charge, they need ATMs there with no withdrawal limits. Of course, hospitals also have their fair share of politics too. We saw ophthalmologists not seeing "eye to eye" with each other and optometrists making a "spectacle" of themselves. But then I digress..
The optometrist went through her routine and showed some characters on the screen and asked me to read them. I was about to tell her that those were the exact names I call people when I curse them. But then realized, for her, it was just a set of letters. After a lot of removing glasses and changing them and asking was it better or worse now, she proclaimed proudly that my power had actually come down. Talking about lessened vision!! Of course, I must confess ego was boosted given that I was going against typical behavior of power increasing with age. Of course, said ego was deflated in the next second when she said "Saar, at your age, you need to have regular eye tests and meet the doctor". The doctor, a very nice one, also called me Sir which made it worse given that she was middle aged.
So here came back, Mr. Vision, with a bruised ego, lessened power and no idea of how to get a vision. Next time, I will read those management books...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Bhagwaan's Love Letter (Part 2)
The story so far: Bhagwan, a 5th class student, has an IQ level in 2 digits. In a fit of emotion, he has written a love letter to his English teacher, Mrs Ramani. Mrs. Ramani has complained to the school authorities and a hearing is due with the Prinicipal the next day. Bhagwaan has prayed to both Amitabh Bachhan and Ganesha to help him in the crisis. He has a fitful night and is not able to sleep much..Now read on..
Bhagwan kept mumbling thru the night and could not sleep much at all. He kept having visions of a giant letter which kept swallowing him. In fact, in one dream, he actually saw Amitabh Bachhan standing in front of him, with a slight bow and saying "Ainh. Jiska ka koi nahin hota, uska khuda hai yaaro" (Editor's note: Amitabh actually repeated this in another film a few years later). That's when Bhagwaan decided to switch loyalties to Ganesha.
He woke up the next and walked to school, thinking of possible excuses.
1. I actually did not write the letter - someone copied my handwriting
2. It was supposed to be an April fool joke played in October
3. It was meant for someone else in my class but landed up in Mrs. Ramani's desk
He realized that none of them would work - the last one would actually make it worse given that it was a boy's only school. He trudged his way slowly to the Principal's office. Mr.Chandrahaas and Mrs. Ramani were already there with the Principal Mr.Ganguly. Bhagwaan could almost see Mr.Chandrahaas salivating - however Mrs. Ramani looked a bit worried and anxious.
Mr.Ganguly started off the proceeding and as was his wont without any preamble.
"We have gathered to discuss an accusation that Bhagwaan has sent a love letter to Mrs. Ramani - this is against the school rules. Bhagwaan - what do you have to say for yourself?"
Bhagwaan just kept his head down and thought of excuses but could not think of any - he decided to just pray to Ganesha.
Mr. Ganguly then spoke to Mrs. Ramani "Mrs. Ramani - you mentioned this boy had written you a love letter and in fact wanted to marry you. Do you have proof?"
Mrs. Ramani handed over a slip of letter to the Principal. Mr. Ganguly opened it up and this is what he saw
He was amazed and blurted "But Mrs. Ramani - now where do I see the words love and marry in this letter"
Mrs. Ramani (in an agitated state) said "Sir - it had the words love and marry but it is torn now"
Mr. Ganguly: "But Mrs. Ramani - how did this happen?"
Mrs. Ramani (wringing her hands): "I don't know - I had kept it very carefully in a cupboard but somehow a mouse seems to have come and eaten up the key words"
Mr.Ganguly: "Then there is no proof - we cannot punish the boy"
Mrs. Ramani: "Ask him Sir - its his handwriting. Ask him to deny it!!!!". She was almost shouting now in her agitation.
Mr. Ganguly: "Bhagwaan - tell the truth. Is that your handwriting?"
Bhagwaan (in a burst of inspiration): "Yes Sir - its mine but I actually had written 'Mrs. Ramani I admire you very much and I want to tell you'".
Mrs. Ramani snorted while Mr.Chandarahaas had a look of a boy who had his chocolate taken away from him.
Mr.Ganguly looked at the slip and said "Hmm..the words seem to fit. Mrs. Ramani - I cant punish the boy now - admiration is not a sin".
Mrs. Ramani (spluttering): "But but Sir.."
Mr.Ganguly: "Sorry Mrs. Ramani - you should not have allowed a mouse to eat the letter"
Mrs. Ramani: "I know Sir. I am wondering how a mouse managed to get inside a steel cupboard and tear away only the important words. It looks a divine intervention"
Divine Intervention - That's when it hit Bhagwaan. Of course, Ganesha had come to his rescue and sent his favourite mouse to help him out to eat the letter!!!
They all walked away from the room with different emotions - two disappointed and one very very happy and now a Ganesha fan.
So that's how Bhagwaan was saved and he never wrote a love letter again until he got engaged to Bhagyawaan but he always remained a fan of Ganesha.
Bhagwan kept mumbling thru the night and could not sleep much at all. He kept having visions of a giant letter which kept swallowing him. In fact, in one dream, he actually saw Amitabh Bachhan standing in front of him, with a slight bow and saying "Ainh. Jiska ka koi nahin hota, uska khuda hai yaaro" (Editor's note: Amitabh actually repeated this in another film a few years later). That's when Bhagwaan decided to switch loyalties to Ganesha.
He woke up the next and walked to school, thinking of possible excuses.
1. I actually did not write the letter - someone copied my handwriting
2. It was supposed to be an April fool joke played in October
3. It was meant for someone else in my class but landed up in Mrs. Ramani's desk
He realized that none of them would work - the last one would actually make it worse given that it was a boy's only school. He trudged his way slowly to the Principal's office. Mr.Chandrahaas and Mrs. Ramani were already there with the Principal Mr.Ganguly. Bhagwaan could almost see Mr.Chandrahaas salivating - however Mrs. Ramani looked a bit worried and anxious.
Mr.Ganguly started off the proceeding and as was his wont without any preamble.
"We have gathered to discuss an accusation that Bhagwaan has sent a love letter to Mrs. Ramani - this is against the school rules. Bhagwaan - what do you have to say for yourself?"
Bhagwaan just kept his head down and thought of excuses but could not think of any - he decided to just pray to Ganesha.
Mr. Ganguly then spoke to Mrs. Ramani "Mrs. Ramani - you mentioned this boy had written you a love letter and in fact wanted to marry you. Do you have proof?"
Mrs. Ramani handed over a slip of letter to the Principal. Mr. Ganguly opened it up and this is what he saw
He was amazed and blurted "But Mrs. Ramani - now where do I see the words love and marry in this letter"
Mrs. Ramani (in an agitated state) said "Sir - it had the words love and marry but it is torn now"
Mr. Ganguly: "But Mrs. Ramani - how did this happen?"
Mrs. Ramani (wringing her hands): "I don't know - I had kept it very carefully in a cupboard but somehow a mouse seems to have come and eaten up the key words"
Mr.Ganguly: "Then there is no proof - we cannot punish the boy"
Mrs. Ramani: "Ask him Sir - its his handwriting. Ask him to deny it!!!!". She was almost shouting now in her agitation.
Mr. Ganguly: "Bhagwaan - tell the truth. Is that your handwriting?"
Bhagwaan (in a burst of inspiration): "Yes Sir - its mine but I actually had written 'Mrs. Ramani I admire you very much and I want to tell you'".
Mrs. Ramani snorted while Mr.Chandarahaas had a look of a boy who had his chocolate taken away from him.
Mr.Ganguly looked at the slip and said "Hmm..the words seem to fit. Mrs. Ramani - I cant punish the boy now - admiration is not a sin".
Mrs. Ramani (spluttering): "But but Sir.."
Mr.Ganguly: "Sorry Mrs. Ramani - you should not have allowed a mouse to eat the letter"
Mrs. Ramani: "I know Sir. I am wondering how a mouse managed to get inside a steel cupboard and tear away only the important words. It looks a divine intervention"
Divine Intervention - That's when it hit Bhagwaan. Of course, Ganesha had come to his rescue and sent his favourite mouse to help him out to eat the letter!!!
They all walked away from the room with different emotions - two disappointed and one very very happy and now a Ganesha fan.
So that's how Bhagwaan was saved and he never wrote a love letter again until he got engaged to Bhagyawaan but he always remained a fan of Ganesha.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Bhagwaan's love letter (Part 1)
"This is a sacrilege!! Why did you do this shameful act?." thundered the voice above Bhagwaan's head.
Bhagwaan did not know what to say - he did not know why he did the "shameful act" and moreover did not understand sacrilege meant. I mean who understands such big words when you are in the 5th class. And on top of that, the question was being asked by Chandrahaas Sir - his PT teacher - a big strong man whom all the boys feared for his cane and the thwacking all of them got from it. Except of course, the 10th class students who used to give him cigarettes - to Chandrahaas Sir not to Bhagwaan in case you misunderstood.
Ooops!! As usual, I jumped to the middle of the story without giving you the correct introduction. so let me get that fixed first. Bhagwaan as you all know was one of the dreamy people with a fair IQ but always lived in his own world thus making everyone think he was a nincompoop. So much so that his brother (who had just started reading PG Wodehouse) used to call him as Bertie Wooster (after that famous Wodehousian character). To be fair, Bhagwaan was a bit of dreamer as I mentioned so maybe the comparison was apt. Now in class 5th, he had a love-hate relationship with his school. He hated the school and loved it when it was closed.
However, the past few weeks, there was a transformation - he had a new found resolve to come to school everyday. The reason was very very simple - Ramani Madam. Ramani Madam was the new English teacher - one of those teachers of the new era who felt that children should be encouraged to speak. She was like an oasis in a desert - and Bhagwaan immediately developed a crush on her. Now Ramani Madam was no beauty - her salt and pepper hair had more salt than pepper. However as the old saying goes, at age 10, even a she donkey looks beautiful especially since Ramani madam had such a sweet disposition.
Bhagwaan, in a fit of insanity, had written a love letter to her expressing his admiration. Having recently read Perry Mason and so felt he knew more about the law, he wiped his finger prints from the paper and did not sign it. He thought he was clever and no one would know the deception but totally forgot that it was in his own hand writing and who knows your handwriting better than your teacher. Maybe his brother was right - he was Bertie Wooster! Ramani Madam immediately told her colleagues (although later she told a couple of them that she was also flattered!).
Whew!! Now you know the background - the shameful act was the "writing of the love letter".
Bhagwaan looked at the floor without daring to look at Chandrahaas sir. Which is why he did not see the cane swish and hit him on the butt! Thwack!! That really hurt - now it would be difficult to sit on the bench.
"You dirty boy!! How dare you write such letters to a teacher?" said Chandrahaas Sir - his voice resembled a Bull - in fact the kids nickname for him was Bull's Posterior (I disagree - I have seen more beautiful bull's posteriors)
Bhagwaan (to himself) "and what about your affair with Sharma teacher? Don't think we don't know about that!!"
Chandrahaas Sir "What boy? What did you say?"
Bhagwaan (quivering) "Nothing Sir!! Sorry Sir!!"
Chandrahaas Sir "Lets see tomorrow, son. When we go in front of the Principal - you will not only meet my cane more but also get expelled"
Bhagwaan walked out the room - he did not know whom to tell. Then he suddenly remembered - his grandmother had told him a few days back (during Ganesh Chauthi) that Ganesha was the one who removed obstacles. Bhagwaan had of course scoffed at the idea - everyone knew that it was Amitabh Bachhan who removed obstacles. He had just seen Amar Akbar Anthony and how Amitabh had defeated that big body builder. He first prayed to Amitabh and then as an after thought to Ganesha - there was no harm..
Needless to say - he had a sleepless night...somewhere a song was playing "Karvate Badalte Rahen, saari raat hum....' a very apt song..
Will Bhagwaan survive the ordeal? Will he meet Chandrahaas Sir's cane again? Will Amitabh help? Will Ganesha help? All questions answered in the next post..
Bhagwaan did not know what to say - he did not know why he did the "shameful act" and moreover did not understand sacrilege meant. I mean who understands such big words when you are in the 5th class. And on top of that, the question was being asked by Chandrahaas Sir - his PT teacher - a big strong man whom all the boys feared for his cane and the thwacking all of them got from it. Except of course, the 10th class students who used to give him cigarettes - to Chandrahaas Sir not to Bhagwaan in case you misunderstood.
Ooops!! As usual, I jumped to the middle of the story without giving you the correct introduction. so let me get that fixed first. Bhagwaan as you all know was one of the dreamy people with a fair IQ but always lived in his own world thus making everyone think he was a nincompoop. So much so that his brother (who had just started reading PG Wodehouse) used to call him as Bertie Wooster (after that famous Wodehousian character). To be fair, Bhagwaan was a bit of dreamer as I mentioned so maybe the comparison was apt. Now in class 5th, he had a love-hate relationship with his school. He hated the school and loved it when it was closed.
However, the past few weeks, there was a transformation - he had a new found resolve to come to school everyday. The reason was very very simple - Ramani Madam. Ramani Madam was the new English teacher - one of those teachers of the new era who felt that children should be encouraged to speak. She was like an oasis in a desert - and Bhagwaan immediately developed a crush on her. Now Ramani Madam was no beauty - her salt and pepper hair had more salt than pepper. However as the old saying goes, at age 10, even a she donkey looks beautiful especially since Ramani madam had such a sweet disposition.
Bhagwaan, in a fit of insanity, had written a love letter to her expressing his admiration. Having recently read Perry Mason and so felt he knew more about the law, he wiped his finger prints from the paper and did not sign it. He thought he was clever and no one would know the deception but totally forgot that it was in his own hand writing and who knows your handwriting better than your teacher. Maybe his brother was right - he was Bertie Wooster! Ramani Madam immediately told her colleagues (although later she told a couple of them that she was also flattered!).
Whew!! Now you know the background - the shameful act was the "writing of the love letter".
Bhagwaan looked at the floor without daring to look at Chandrahaas sir. Which is why he did not see the cane swish and hit him on the butt! Thwack!! That really hurt - now it would be difficult to sit on the bench.
"You dirty boy!! How dare you write such letters to a teacher?" said Chandrahaas Sir - his voice resembled a Bull - in fact the kids nickname for him was Bull's Posterior (I disagree - I have seen more beautiful bull's posteriors)
Bhagwaan (to himself) "and what about your affair with Sharma teacher? Don't think we don't know about that!!"
Chandrahaas Sir "What boy? What did you say?"
Bhagwaan (quivering) "Nothing Sir!! Sorry Sir!!"
Chandrahaas Sir "Lets see tomorrow, son. When we go in front of the Principal - you will not only meet my cane more but also get expelled"
Bhagwaan walked out the room - he did not know whom to tell. Then he suddenly remembered - his grandmother had told him a few days back (during Ganesh Chauthi) that Ganesha was the one who removed obstacles. Bhagwaan had of course scoffed at the idea - everyone knew that it was Amitabh Bachhan who removed obstacles. He had just seen Amar Akbar Anthony and how Amitabh had defeated that big body builder. He first prayed to Amitabh and then as an after thought to Ganesha - there was no harm..
Needless to say - he had a sleepless night...somewhere a song was playing "Karvate Badalte Rahen, saari raat hum....' a very apt song..
Will Bhagwaan survive the ordeal? Will he meet Chandrahaas Sir's cane again? Will Amitabh help? Will Ganesha help? All questions answered in the next post..
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